Thursday, December 30, 2010

Went to Carrabbas with the boy yesterday.  1 martini, 1 beer, 1/2 plate of manicotti, 2 small fried risotto ball thingys.  Of course Carrabba's doesn't post their nutrition information... but I looked on some health websites for how much my meal might be.  I think the drinks are 300, maybe 400? Manicotti is different on different websites, but the highest I've seen for Carrabba's is 640 for 2 rolls, and I had 1.  So lets say 300.  I'm just babbling and I need to stop.  Here is the tattoo.  Is this picture too small for you to see?  Here is a link for a bigger version.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Doctor said nothing is wrong with me.  A pH imbalance.  Just taking meds for 3 days and I'll be fine.  The tattoo looks lovely, and I'll post pictures ASAP.
Today was the first time I've been able to change my weight loss side bar since re-starting my blog.  I've weighed in at 144.x for the last 2 mornings... so I think it is safe to say that I am down a few pounds.
Christmas for me wasn't that great.  My boy got me some "thoughtful" but "useless" gifts... and was not exactly gracious when I have him his gift.  I exchanged one of his gifts at best buy and put some money and the store credit towards a new heart rate monitor.  I got a Polar F7, and I've taken it out and set it, but I haven't used it yet because my tattoo is right where the chest strap hits, and I'm not willing to mess it up.  Did go to the gym Sunday and Monday (yoga and weight class), but have been generally inactive.  Need to pick that up, but stress at work is just killing me.
Have put myself back on my old antidepressants for a while to see if I can pick up my mood during busy season at work.  Don't want to start throwing up like before and ruin my teeth.

I don't have any plans for new years... hmmm I want to go to New Years Day spin class... so hopefully I don't do anything crazy.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

nothing new to report.  i don't feel well.  there is something wrong with me.  i have a doctor's appointment this morning, and hopefully he can tell me what's up.  but i haven't wanted to blog because literally nothing has been happening.  working a lot.... exercising a little... trying to keep a deficit.  Yesterday was a big fat fail, but oh well.  I decided not to even record it because it would just depress me to find out how bad it was.  maybe i'm feeling ill because of the shit i ate yesterday... or maybe because i'm afraid of what the doctor will tell me.  all in all, my other days have been pretty good though.  as i wind down 2010, i'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out.

i'll be getting my tattoo on sunday-- one year from the date of the incident, one year from the date i decided i could do it on my own.  it is very fitting.  i'll definitely upload a picture for y'all.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

i want to update.. but i have nothing to say.  The last two days I have had net calories... same in as burned.  No good.  Out to dinner both nights.  I want to fast today but I have a feeling I'll be taken to lunch because I have an out of town visitor at work...  Maybe I can fast dinner to dinner tonight through tomorrow.  Although I'm finding that fasting isn't causing weight loss... I lose a lot the next day, but probably mostly water weight, even though I'm drinking a lot.  Then the next day I gain it all back.  My goal is to lose a pound by new years.  More would be good... but I'm going to keep track of total calories burned/eaten and hopefully will net a -3500! 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

i'm depressed.. ugh i don't know what's wrong with me.  isn't life supposed to be fun?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

weighed last night and was 147.4... so obviously the 144 was just a trick.  i don't understand why... i know I didn't eat the day before, but I drank plenty of liquids so I shouldn't have been dehydrated at all.

just now, in the AM, I was 146.  In the right direction I suppose.... looking forward to spin class on saturday morning. Seems like that's the only time I can really get one in these days.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

even though i ate some dinner the night before, i still decided to liquid fast all of yesterday.  I'm happy to say I completed 24 hours food free.... except for the 3 hershey's kisses I accidently ate.  You ever just put something in your mouth without thinking about it.  UGH.. I'm an idiot.  I also went to the gym to get all the way to 24 hours... and burned maybe 300 calories in 45 minutes.  When I got home I ate hummus and a pepper, a few pita chips, a glass of wine, and a quarter of an avocado.  Adding everything together from dinner the night before, I came out with a 800 cal deficit... not too bad.  Could have been higher if I didn't have the wine... oh well.
Today is a normal eating day.  Just had Kashi cereal with milk, and I heated up a veggie chik'n patty for lunch.  The boy-friend wasn't able to come yesterday and so he's coming tonight, although today I don't feel as pretty or as well put together.... ahhh oh well. 
The scale rewarded me with 144.4  Haven't seen 144 in a LONG time.  Wondering why I was 147 yesterday.... maybe I didn't drink enough water yesterday and I'm a bit dehydrated.  I never trust a lower number.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i'm lacking will power.  i had planned to do another fast.  starting with dinner last night, and going to dinner today.  I entered all my calories in up to when i left work, and that was going to be it.  when I got home i dont know... i just, didn't stop eating.  I had pita and hummus, then went to my friend's house for a tv show and had a bit of lasagna, and some M&Ms.  Thankfully I passed on the wine!  So... I put the food in today's count (like.. 600 calories or something insane).. and I plan on liquid fasting til dinner (tea and coffee and powerade), but my boy-friend is coming over for dinner so I definitely have to eat.

well, one step at a time.  haven't had a chance to exercise, so I need to take this seriously.  just get through today, then we can think about tomorrow!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

I read in Women's Health that an average woman needs about 420 minutes of moderate exercise every week to maintain her weight without changing her diet.  That is 60 minutes of exercise every day.  And I guess that means if you aren't exercising on one day, you need to be cutting calories big time that day.

Last night I went to a Hanukkah party... it was super fun but they had lots of delicious food which I participated in eating.

Today I am having a tall glass of milk for breakfast, a lean cuisine for lunch, an apple and a pear.  Not sure about dinner.  Have a happy hour at 6:30 planned for my volunteer organization but there is no way I can go if work is crazy, and if I want to exercise, and if I want to NOT stuff my face.  Sucks to skip events in the name of health.. but, sometimes you have to do it!

On another note-- rant:  I am white.  The guy I am dating is black.  None of my friends seem to care.  My parents don't care.  I'm pretty sure his parents don't care (although I wouldn't really know as we are JUST dating...)  Apparently friends he's known his whole life have been calling him up  to bitch about face book pictures of him and me.  They aren't even romantic pictures.. we're literally just sitting next to each other.  Some of his black friends have said to him something along the lines of "I can't believe you would date someone below your standards" and "why would you date her when you can date a black woman."  I realize that this is not a personal attack, it is based on my skin color and not my soul.. but it still hurts my feelings.  It's like reverse racism!  Oh well.. I think he's handling it well... telling these individuals that he has no plans to associate with them any longer because they are obviously not the type of friends he wants in his life.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

i was at 1300 calories after dinner.  SO good.  I was so balanced, and healthy!!!  then i ate pringles... half a tin.  I should never have bought them.  They weren't even that good.  I purged.  UGH.  I promised to never do it again... I SUCK.  Seriously... I PROMISED.  I feel so bad about myself right now, because I can't even keep a promise to myself.

I want to just throw the rest away... can I waste $$ like that?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

13 hours down-- and I'm about to take a shower and go to bed.  Did buy some "binge" food at the grocery store (nuts, bugels), but then I put them in individual serving baggies.  I also bought pringles.  THAT was a bad idea.  I'm planning to bring them to functions when I need to not come empty handed.
At the end of hour 6 of my fast.  Ha.  I don't feel like giving up yet... but I'm going to a spin class in 2 hours, and then grocery shopping.  Hopefully I can keep a handle on putting things in the cart "just because"

Monday, November 29, 2010

So, I keep track of calories (I'm sure all of you do).
In the 4 weeks of November, I had a calorie deficit of 4,600 calories.  REALLY?!? 28 days in 4 weeks, so that's a defict of about 165 calories A DAY.  How pathetic am I!?  Like, super pathetic if you ask me.

I think this settles that I am going to try intermittent fasting. Harlow suggested fasting an entire day--- but Harlow, if you stop eating before bed on Monday, don't eat all day Tuesday, then start eating Wednesday morning, that's at least 30 hours of fasting.  I think I read that you don't hit starvation mode until 46 hours or maybe 76 hours??  Well either way-- I will be doing a 24 hours fast on Tuesday.  Not sure about the specifics, but I'm doing it!

Friday, November 26, 2010

i feel like i did decent yesterday.  i didn't take a walk, but i helped do some light cleaning for about an hour.  i had a little stuffing, and a little turkey at dinner, but mostly i ate too many potatoes.  BOO on me.  I ended up with a deficit if you don't count the 3 pieces of chocolate i ate before bed.  I think I should count that in today's total, don't you?  God can you believe each lindor truffle has 80 calories!?  God if I had known that, I might not have eaten any!!  So... today (11am) 455 calories.... about 250 from yesterday that I'm rolling over... GAHHHH.

I am considering participating in Eat Stop Eat.  This is a program created by Brad Pilon, who is a nutritionist and researcher.  Now, I haven't bought the e-book, but from the reviews I have read, it seems like the point of the program is to engage in "Intermittent Fasting" one to two days per week.  The other days, you can eat like you want.  Obviously the lower calorie/healthier food you eat, the better results you see.  But it sounds like the science is that 24 hours of fasting won't ruin your metabolism...  Any type of intermittent fasting can work this way-- I remember trying Fast 5 for a while in college-- you eat 5 hours out of each day, don't eat the remaining 19.  I found this way too difficult.  I couldn't eat breakfast or lunch all day, every day.. and then I basically stuffed my face from 5-10pm every day. 
Here is an article about intermittent fasting in general... what are your thoughts?  In the Eat Stop Eat program, your 24 hour fast starts at dinner time and ends at dinner time, so you are still technically eating every day.  What do you think about the possibility of stuffing your face when you finally are allowed to eat?  Would that be an issue?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

being at my parent's house sucks.  there is food everywhere.  seriously... bagels, muffins, ice cream, chips, biscuits.  where is the fruit and vegetables?  I've been taking walks (4miles), but it is no match for my intake of bad food.  i will not weigh myself here for fear of a heart attack.  today is thanksgiving (happy thanksgiving-- i am thankful for my faithful readers!), so of course we will have a lot of food... maybe i can avoid most of it.  the only thing I REALLY want is stuffing anyway.  And you know, I had stuffing last week... a lot of it.  And it's called stuffing for a reason-- because it stuffs you and makes you fat.  So... since I had it last week, I know what it tastes like, I can remember exactly.... I don't think it's wise to have any today.  Maybe a bite to placate my father.  We'll see.

Monday, November 22, 2010

887 calories so far... all sugar/carbs.... great.
it looks wet outside, but i am going to brave the cold and take a walk.  looked for my exercise videos, wonder what i did with them.
i am feeling insanely large today.  i am in NY with my parents.  my plan was to not eat much at all here... save money, get skinny, be happy.  there are a lot of foods my family eats that I'm not interested in touching, but they also have food for snacking on that I have a hard time passing up.
also, the family gym membership was canceled... so i can't go to the gym.  there is a bowflex downstairs... I just have to figure out how to dust it off and make it work, if i want to use it.  I used to work out at home when i was in high school-- i did videos and stuff in my room.  i was so good.  i also didn't eat... like ever.  i always have this idea that when i come home i will fall back into the same pattern... but i guess i have really changed.  everything changes huh? i guess i just need to do it.  i need to try.  i can take a walk, i can use an exercise video.  i can find things to do other than eat.  i need some motivation!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

my male friend came over for dinner last night and I made one of those wanchai ferry dishes... have you ever seen them in the frozen section?  "Chinese at Home"
They are delicious... I substituted brown rice for the white rice (mostly because I don't have a microwave), and I gave him more than half, so I'm thinking my portion was a little less than 500 cals.  Then I made those sugar cookies that have festive shapes on them (turkeys this time), and I had 2 (120 cals), and a Becks. 

So my total calories yesterday were about 1500- which is not bad really, seeing as how I did go spinning... and I ended up with a 530 calorie deficit yesterday.

I have two small rants- if you don't want me to ruin your day you can stop reading here:
1) has anyone noticed the influx of bloggers who claim to be eating disordered, but are really just teenagers who are struggling with self identity and trying to control something in their crazy world?  I'm not going to name names, but just give this small piece of advice:
I starved myself for most of highschool, and the first half of college.  I had to have 8 of my teeth replaced from purging after college was over.  I was thin, and beautiful, and happy, but I am paying for the consequences now.  I go through phases of not caring what I eat, to counting each tiny calorie (like right now), and obsessively exercising.  Be happy that you have a teenage body- they are the best.  And don't try the fad diets, they don't work. 
2) yesterday i had sex with my male friend 2 times, and he was extremely selfish both times... the first time i mean, it was better than the second, but he put me on top and that was it... seriously, don't initiate sex if it's not going to be good.

Ok, that's it.  I am going to have a good day!  I have to go out to lunch for a coworker's birthday, but I'll eat yummy yummy salad or soup.

Monday, November 15, 2010

i have been deathly afraid to weigh in for the past week.. but I did it today and was 145.2... is that good?  Idk, I guess it's a step in the right direction.  God.. what I would give to be under 140.  BUT, only 5.2 pounds to do it.  That's a month of eating healthy and exercising.  Really the problem isn't eating healthy, it's eating too much. 

Breakfast and Lunch for today:

Kashi Cereal with nonfat milk
Baby Carrots
Chicken Slices on Sandwich Thin

That comes out to 800 calories.  That leaves 400 calories for dinner. And if I make it to work soon, then I can expect to make it to spin class at 5:30.  Probably should go get ready instead of dilly-dallying (lol)

Have a good day everyone :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

i am so pissed.
on a business trip.  bringing ALL this healthy food.  nuts, fruit, rice cakes, etc.  Swearing to only eat salads at lunch.
counted my calories yesterday--- 90 over!  WTF!!!!!  I feel like This can't be happening!  I'm trying SO hard here, making GREAT choices.  and this is what I get?!  How am I eating too much!?

Here is what I had:
b.  banana and fiber one bar
s.  almonds
l.  southwestern chicken salad with no dressing and no tortilla chips, roll
s. 1 fun size twix
d. mozzarella caprese salad, 4 jumbo shrimp, bread
s. pistachios

if I had cut out the bread at both of these places, I would have been maybe 300 under.  maybe I can try to exercise these next few days.  Monday and Tuesday I've had other work to do that kept me in my hotel room.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

i feel bloated.  this week i'm getting my period.. so i guess that is to be expected.  i also feel like i need to be cleaned out... fruits and veggies today i guess?
i feel sore all over too... just sort of tight muscles i cant do much about.  i should take the time to stretch.. who really has time these days? at the gym i do a battery of cardio equipment occasionally followed by weights, and i am running out the door to get back and shower and go to work.  Impressed with myself that I've gone to the gym twice in the morning this week.. without a trainer!  I am definitely not doing as well on the exercise front without her... but it is also a matter of being busy at work, and not getting to those cardio classes I love.  Tonight I am going to a concert-- has anyone heard of Anberlin?  I feel like I am possibly the only one on the face of the earth!!

I plan to just have beer or something at the concert tonight for dinner.  Maybe rice and fruit today for breakfast and lunch?  Maybe oatmeal and fruit?  Damn, I need to go grocery shopping!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

gotta take a recruit out for dinner tonight.. here is the question-- do i starve myself all day so I can eat something decent, or do I go to this fancy restaurant, and order....salad.
OR... do I starve myself AND eat salad.

My thinking is...
breakfast: brown rice (left overs)
lunch: subway-- maybe in a salad instead of in bread? but probably not
dinner: appetizer and side salad

I'm not sure if this is at all a good idea.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

good things:  I have had NO halloween candy.
bad things: after the party last night, my bff's boyfriend made us go to a diner-- I ate grilled cheese and hashbrowns
I weighed in this morning but hopefully it was water weight that i gained.  ugh.  who knows.  I'm gonna give myself the benefit of the doubt...

Friday, October 29, 2010

sadly, my friend who met me at the gym convinced me that we NEEDED sushi.  At least I got my saki!  I estimated a little high, but said my calories were around 1500 for the day.  I don't think I had THAT much sushi and wine... but who knows?

Today is one of those tough weekend days where you don't know what will happen after work.  I know I have plans to go to my new guy's house... hopefully that isn't until later, and I can have already eaten.

Breakfast: Oatmeal Coffee (190)
Snack: Yogurt (100)
Lunch: Soup (300)
Snack: Fruit (150)
Dinner: ????  Hopefully something I make myself!

Have personal training here in a few minutes.  Hate that I need to tell my trainer I cannot afford her ridiculous plan.  "no contracts" so you pay like... all this money up front, and have sessions just built up.  Sounds like a contract to me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

So far (it's 6:30pm) I've had 940 calories. 
Breakfast: Oatmeal/Yogurt/Coffee
Lunch: Sandwich/Salad
Snacks: 3 mini twix

I am about to go to the gym.. I'd like to stay under 1,000 calories today, but I REALLY REALLY want some liquor.  I seriously would drink liquor for dinner and not eat anything.  BUT  who knows... I don't have any liquor... I have beer and wine. 

I'll have my soup and fruit that I didn't eat tomorrow for lunch

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

breakfast: coffee and oatmeal (190)
snack: yogurt (90)
lunch: salad and soup (300) (to be safe)
snack: fruit (150) (to be safe)
dinner: turkey sandwich (250)

total: 981 

i can do this.  GUM and TEA when I'm feeling like eating!

Monday, October 25, 2010

i dont know why i haven't written.  I've been counting my calories like a mad woman.  I guess the fact that I haven't seen real progress is just frustrating.  I know that I have a deficit every week, but the deficit is never as big as I want it to be.  I am losing like.. a pound a month?  Definitely better than gaining a pound a month, but I wouldn't say its good.  I think that we have stopped eating out ALL the time now.  I went to the grocery store yesterday and stocked up on healthy fruits, those sandwich thin things, stuff for soup, carrots... stuff like that.
I LOVE the slow cooker.  I put all the ingredients into the slow cooker last night for the soup and it cooked while I slept.  Now I have a filling lunch!!!  And I'm gonna try to get to the gym tonight.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

im just having one of those days when nothing would be better than laying here in bed the entire day.  I have way too much to do today.. I am tired and I feel gross from all the food I have been forcing down.  So many recruiting dinners and lunches for the college kids we want to hire.  I have been trying to eat healthy.. salads with no dressing etc.. but then we have situations where its a fixed menu and there is nothing i can do but eat.  Luckily I have been wise enough the past few days to come home and exercise some of the calories off.  If I wasn't going to the gym I would be gaining weight for sure.  I need to eat more like 1,000 calories.. not 1,900!!! I've been keeping track of my deficit.. its just not ENOUGH.  Even if I were to exercise like crazy, I'd probably eat like crazy too.  UGH.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

as an accountant... i like to do calculations.

In the month of October, I would like to lose 5 lbs

3,500 calories/lb * 5 lbs = 17,500 calorie deficit total.

Deficit October 1- October 9 = 2,389 (avg 265 deficit/day)

17,500-2389 = 15,111 left to deficit October 10- October 31

15,111/21 days = 720 calorie deficit/ day to reach my goal

So... I really need to step it up.
If I don't exercise, I can eat approximately 1,000 calories each day to make this goal.  Basically, that means I need to exercise every day, because I really don't see that happening for me.  I mean, it's definitely possible.. but I really SHOULD be exercising every day anyway.  And work is SUPPOSED to slow down for me now.  We'll see about that.

I'm going to think through how to make this happen.  Any suggestions would be appreciated

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Liquid fasting.. not a success.  :(
BUT I ate only 900 calories yesterday before I called it a night.. that's like, a record for me.
2 cups of coffee (one misto, one regular),  half a turkey sandwich, berries, string cheese, a handful of popcorn and a handful of pirates booty.
THEN.... I chose to get in bed and turn on Bones.. and I HAD to have the macaroni casserole in my fridge.  I'll say 200 ish.  And I'm counting it in todays food.
I havent decided if I'll try to go liquid again.  I find it very difficult, but I know that nothing worth having is easy.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

so... when your boss forces you to go to lunch with her... is it imperative you get the WORST thing on the menu? Yes, apparently for me it is.  Yesterday for lunch I had a huge grilled cheese sandwich with soup and kettle chips.  I ate every single bite.  I felt so guilty about it, I didn't eat either of the healthy snacks I brought to work (Hummus with Carrots and String Cheese).  I will save those for today.  I also didn't eat dinner... Couldn't bring myself to do it.
And when I went to the gym.. I kept counting calories in 100s.  Each 100 calories was another step in the right direction.  I did 30 minutes of Personal Training, a 45 minute Body Works class (weights), and 20 minutes of cardio.  Ended up the day with a 500 calorie deficit.

I've also made it my mission to stop drinking on weekdays.  No one needs that.

Monday, October 4, 2010

i have things to write.. but no time this morning.  must go to personal trainer.
i basically ruined my progress this weekend.  bottle of wine friday... pitcher of beer saturday.
Must make up for it this week.  Can't exercise a lot, because I have crazy work to do.
We'll see.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

today for lunch i forgot they were offering free food... why can't i pass that up!?
I caved and I had some barbeque chicken (no skin), only about half a breast, and i had a third cup of mac and cheese, plain salad, and a miniature biscuit.  also i ate the graham cracker crust off of a pie.  Everything else was as planned... but I didn't eat my rice/veg for lunch.
SO.. I am punishing myself for dinner.  NO chicken... just green beans and edamame.
Will be at a 1,000 deficit if I don't screw this up!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

i have vowed to myself never to throw up again.. and I am sticking to that promise... but unfortunately, i ate 420 calories MORE than I burned today.  BUMMER.  If I want to stick to my goal, I need to have a deficit of 995 calories tomorrow-- that way I will have had a total deficit of 7,000 in the 2nd half of September (2 lb loss).
If I burn about 1700 cals a day, I can go to the gym to a spin class and burn about 400 (probably more.. but I need to be conservative), and then I would need to eat 595 calories less than 1700... 1100.
Eats: 1100 calories
Burn 2100 calories ---> total deficit, 1000

Doable?  MUST DO!
So tomorrow I will eat: 
Breakfast: 1/2 cup egg white and 2 slices of turkey bacon (175)
Snack: String Cheese (80)
Lunch: Valley Fresh Steamers Vegetables and Rice (270)
Snack: Carrots with 2 tbsp Hummus (230)
Dinner: Chicken Breast  and Green Beans (240)
TOTAL: 995

Yay for a plan!

Monday, September 27, 2010

i ate 1620 cals today.  my trainer had me buy healthy food--- chicken for dinner, egg whites and turkey bacon for breakfast.. and she wants me to do salad for lunch but i can't.  I said, I can do lean cuisines or lean pockets... and she basically yelled at me about sodium!  I said.. oh well.. I'm doing my best... one step at a time right?  I meant to eat a lean cuisine today but we had a "lunch and learn"... sandwiches and gross cookies.  I ate a sandwich but really I just ate the meat.. and like, possibly a slice of bread.  She told me that I should be having sandwiches with a tiny bit of bread or wrap... so I thought this was a perfect option.  They also had baked lays, and cookies... UGH.  But you know, I had a net -500 calories today (at least)... I went spinning and I had my PT.  I wonder how many calories I burn in 30 minutes of training.  We're constantly moving.. but I say its probably only 100/session.  Any ideas?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

my deficit plan is working well.  I need to up the exercise for sure... this week I've been bad.  But I have a little spreadsheet that shows my BMR+ calories burned through exercise, then I subtract out what I ate, and thats my deficit for the day.

I also like the website  They have A LOT of resources, including a "Challenge" where you post your deficit and compete with other people, or against yourself.   I started the challenge on the 15th at 149 lbs, and as of today I am at 147.  I want to lose weight faster, and I talked to my trainer about that.  She said that in order to lose weight faster I really need to stop drinking alcohol.  Can you believe it... how is that possible?  She is currently prepping for an interview for a video position, and is trying to get her body in the best shape possible.  She said that she is eating 1,000 calories a day and exercising like a maniac.  She sent me a meal plan:

Breakfast- 2 egg whites,  turkey bacon/turkey sausage
Snack- 60 calorie drink, or a piece of fruit
Lunch- salad with very little dressing and 1/2 serving of yogurt
Dinner- 3 grilled chicken tenderloins with steam broccoli

WOW.  How!?  She also mentioned that for lunch she might have half a wrap stuffed with turkey.
I've been eating subway sandwiches this week at work... no cheese (I don't even notice) and sweet onion dressing gets me to 320 calorie sandwich!  Maybe that should be more like dinner...

This week my goal is to stay under 1200 calories 5/7 days.  It's going to take some work but I know I can do it!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

So, for the past week i have analyzed my food meticulously like Piglet said she does.. I haven't been putting it on here because I've been participating in a "deficit competition" which keeps me pretty accountable.  Sadly.. I have realized that while I do eat healthy food... I eat too much of it.
Yesterday I had:
Zone bar
Hummus and Carrots
Lean Pocket
Rice Snacks
Total Calories: about 1700.  I burn what... about 1600?? and I had a 30 minute training session that burned about 100.  So... after I did my calculation, I had a net deficit of 66 measly calories!
It's no wonder that in a solid week, I have only a deficit of 3,050... not even a pound!

Moral of the story... I might be making healthy choices, but I'm eating too much.  Was at 1400 before I snacked on the rice cakes and had a glass of wine.  I want to aim to have a deficit of at least 500 calories/day.  That means either cutting my food down to 1100 calories or exercising more.  I know today I wont exercise (could have this morning if I had gotten my butt out of bed) because I have a date, so I guess that means low calorie food!
How about I go to subway for lunch.  6" Turkey Bread on Whole Grain with sweet onion sauce and no cheese (320).  Carrots (200).  Watermelon (100). Coffee (80).  Powerade (0). Gum (10).
610 before dinner with my date.  If I stick to 2 glasses of wine (300) and a small something, I'll be okay!

Friday, September 17, 2010

quick update post to scare you all...

i had to have my four back teeth all but removed to get the decay out from my bulimia over the last 6 years.  the four teeth second from the back also have deep cavities, but will not require root canals or extensive restoration.
i did this to myself
there is nothing else I can blame it on.  FOUR TEETH. ALL AT ONCE. COMPLETELY GONE.
Throwing up... in a good month, once, in a bad month, 20 times.... for six years.

Think before you puke, ladies.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Should have stayed away from the cheese after lunch.  Only a few bites, but not worth it. Also with the almonds.  Think my deskmate ate the rest though, luckily for me.  Had planned to work out today but it didn't happen.  Had to stay at work until 8pm and then headed straight over to my friend's.  Ate dinner at her house instead of my planned soup, but I think I still did pretty decently.  Shouldn't have had the glass of wine.  At first I said no, but for some reason I changed my mind.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 9am.  I could possibly go to the gym before then and work out.  Is it worth it?  I'm pretty tired.

Planned Calories: 1140
Actual Calories: 1450


Smoothie 210
Almonds 160
Coffee 150
Cheese 100
Fruit 100
Buffalo Chk'n 360
EggRoll 140
Wine 150

Sunday, September 12, 2010

i put up a week's worth of meals that I plan to follow. I am pretty sure the number I saw on the scale this morning (152lbs) is the most I have ever weighed in my life.  Like.. EVER.  It's sad to think that I am no longer in control, and of something I CAN be in control of.
I think it is SO easy to cheat.  It's so easy to say... yeah, I'll have that cookie, or well, if its free, I guess I'll have an extra slice of pizza.  NOT ACCEPTABLE.  I am not poor, I don't need free food. I am not starving, I don't need to shovel food down in fear that I won't have any in the future.  Why do I act like that? Why can't I train my mind to realize that food is fuel?
I am making a grocery list, then I'll head to the gym and work out for an hour.  I'll go to the grocery store and grab the stuff for the healthy me, and be on my way to success!!!

My Weekly Plan

Monday Sept 13
Breakfast: Coffee with Creamer 80
Smoothie 210
Yogurt 90
Fruit 100
Juice 20
Lunch: Coffee 150
Snack: Fruit 100
Dinner: Soup 400
Croissants 200
Tuesday Sept 14
Breakfast: Oatmeal 100
Coffee with Creamer 80
Snack: Carrots 100
Lunch: Lean Pocket 290
Snack: Yogurt 90
Dinner: Soup 400
Croissants 200
Wednesday Sept 15
Breakfast Smoothie 210
Yogurt 90
Fruit 100
Juice 20
Coffee with Creamer 80
Lunch Sandwich 350
Bread 200
Turkey 50
Cheese 100
Carrots 100
Happy Hour Alcohol- ONE GLASS 200
Dinner Vegetables 300
Thursday Sept 16 OFF OF WORK
Breakfast Coffee with Creamer 80
Croissants 200
Lunch Soup 400
Dinner Out to Eat 800
Friday Sept 17 OFF OF WORK
Breakfast Smoothie 210
Yogurt 90
Fruit 100
Juice 20
Coffee with Creamer 80
Snack Fruit 100
Dinner Out to Eat 800

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Went to spin class this morning to banish some of the bad from yesterday.
I like Piglets daily food goal and how she actually sticks to it... but I'm afraid if I try something like that I will fail.   Senior year of college I marked my food down for a solid 2-3 months before spring break to get down in weight.. it definitely worked! I did measurements and everything... i wish I had that drive now!
What I really want is a diet plan.  Something to stick to.  Something where I can go to the grocery store with a list of things to buy, prepare them, and eat exactly what I had planned to eat the entire week.
Busy season is coming to an end.. I'm taking off the 16th and 17th from work just to relax.  Going to get up a massage, nails done, etc.  My treat for working so hard.  And maybe by the time the stress is gone, I won't feel compelled to shove food in my face?

Friday, September 10, 2010

SUchchhchchchchch a fattasss!!!!!  Seriously.. I ate 2 slices of pizza and some pasta, AND a cookie.  THEN i felt so bad about myself, I literally talked myself into going home and purging.   I LEFT MY JOB TO GO THROW UP.  I mean, I live 5 minutes away from work, but SERIOUSLY?!
Then of course, I ate more pizza, and 3/4 of a cookie.  Then I went for drinks.. 2.5 beers, and some chips.
I feel so disgusting.  I feel like a fat pig.
At least I am super full, and it's 10:30, and I can't do any more damage to myself today!
Yesterday I took a diet pill that I've had for a while.  Not sure if I can credit it to the fact that I had no solids, but maybe.
coffee (70)
coffee (120)
hot chocolate (20)
tea (10)
grapes (200)
sugar snap peas (130)
hummus and pita (200)
chips (300)
wine (300)
jelly beans (100)
waffle (100)
total: 1550

I'm just rounding on the grapes, chips, jelly beans, wine and hummus.  I know that the chips were less than 300 per the package, but I don't want to lie to myself and think I'm doing good when I'm not.
Today the office is ordering Pizza Hut for lunch.  Pizza and Pasta and Salad and Cookies... deadly combination.  I also have happy hour plans with a guy from work... so that will be calories.
I dont know why, but I feel like I just can't pass up free food.  I know I've mentioned this before... but i KNOW what pizza tastes like, I don't NEED it... and yet, I feel like if I only get salad I'll be depriving myself.  Maybe I should bring a tuperware and I can put a pizza in it for tomorrow.  I honestly though.. don't NEED pizza.  I shouldn't have it at all.  I shouldn't have cookies either.  Just the salad.  And my grapes.  And I should take that diet pill before lunch instead of before breakfast.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

it seems like everyone here is MIA...I guess I'm just blogging to myself?
Smoothie King AND Planet Smoothie were closed, so thought I would just not get breakfast.  Luckily, one of the partners brought in bagels, and I had forgotten I had a yogurt in the fridge.  For lunch I had my soup, and I also had a string cheese.
I did make it to spin class and I kicked my ass!  Then I had a date where I got a glass of wine, and NO food.  Pretty sure I didn't eat too much today... no candy, ooh a handful of almonds.

Today I am having 3 mini croissants for breakfast and a small yogurt.  I have no idea how many calories they are... must figure that out.  Then I'm going out for lunch with my girfriend.  Usually at this restaurant I get the grilled cheese but I'm going to aim for something a bit healthier, since I'm doing well with eating and exercising so far this week.  I bought grapes, carrots, and hummus for work snacks, but I'm not sure what I want today.  Grapes I guess.  And for dinner who knows.. everything i have you need to "prepare."  Maybe some morning star burger or chikn?
Today is going to be a good day.  I am going to make sure I do a great job!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Ahhh, 7:30am on Labor Day and I've just finished a tough workout with my trainer.  Need to grab a quick shower and then go off to work!  It feels good that I've already worked out.. like a foot in the right direction.  I'm going to go to smoothie king for breakfast-- I plan on getting a "pineapple pleasure."  It has pineapple, banana, papaya... a lot of carbs, but the good kind!  if smoothie king is not open, I guess I'll go to Planet Smoothie...
Soup for lunch, and hopefully I'll be feeling good enough to go to spin class tonight at 5:30.  I know I just worked out but I'd love to kick-start this week.

Maybe someone could help me with a grocery list?  I don't like beans, I don't eat much meat.. ideas?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

for some reason my weight is increasing.  well, not really SOME reason.  the reason is that I'm not starving myself... I am eating fatty foods and not thinking twice about it.  Just weighed in at 150.4... very disappointed with that.  I remember thinking that 143 was soooo big.  Still do, want to be under 140.  Can't believe I've let myself get this way.  Its 70% food, 30% exercise.  I need to start by what I've been putting in my mouth.  Liquor, Sweets, Carbs.

Yesterday I had:
1 waffle (100 cals)
Caffe Misto (120 cals)
Salad with dressing (400 cals)
Fried Green Tomato (150 cals)
Cupcake (200 cals)
Frappucino (90 cals)
Wanchai Ferry Orange Chicken Skillet Dinner (600 cals)
Wine (300 cals)
1960 Cals Total--- see.... give me a break, of course I'm not losing weight.  Could have had NO cupcake and HALF the dinner, and HALF the wine, I would have been satisfied for 1310.

Doesn't help that I didn't exercise today either.. UGH. I am just a mess and a half huh?

Friday, September 3, 2010

purged my dinner.. mostly so that i dont feel hungover tomorrow morning.  must not do that... but the drinking feels so good!
Good Morning!
New followers, I appreciate you!  I haven't been writing regularly and it's not for lack of trying. Every day I open my GoogleReader to see what will strike me into writing mode... Nothing ever does.  It's not that YOU are bad, its that I am not here.  Work has taken over my life... how many times can I say that?  Well, its true.
I have worked every day for the last 2 weeks... well 19 days.  Can you imagine!? No break for 19 days!!!!  BUT.. I am taking off tomorrow.  I am going to visit my parents in South Carolina.  We'll see how that goes.  Fun, maybe?  Apparently there is a hurricane coming though!
My diet is blah, my exercise is blah.  Honestly I am surprised I am exercising during busy season, but I tend to get at least 3 workouts in a week.  2 weights, 1 cardio.  I mean, its not GREAT, but its something.  We are being forcefed food at work though.. thats definitely not helping.
And I am just stuffing my face when I can... ugh.  STRESS from work causes STRESS eating causes STRESS from tight pants!!!
I've been keeping a little diary of what I plan to eat in a day, I think its helping, but we'll see. Always afraid to weigh myself for this reason or that.. too much water, haven't gone to the bathroom, etc.

Monday, August 30, 2010

had a decent weekend foodwise.  I think I ate a little too much on Saturday... well, at least too many carbs.. but yesterday I did well.  I enjoyed my spin class Saturday morning, and had planned to go Sunday morning as well, but I just couldn't.
Last night for dinner I had 2 vodka sodas and a sandwich.  Hahaha that's what my job has forced me to.
I plan on going to body works tonight. and I plan on changing trainers after Sept 15th.  I don't like any of the trainers at my gym except for the girl I have now.. I've talked about her... and so I plan on going to a different LA fitness and scoping it out.  I have some names of trainers who I might be interested in, but first I want to see what they are like when they train.... I am so picky! But hey, I pay for it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

the stress is getting to me and causing me to make bad decisions.
i basically ate an entire house yesterday.
my waffles and yogurt
my sandwich
moes burrito in a bowl
gummy bears galore

I wasn't hungry but I couldn't stop shoveling food into my face!  Well, today is a new day.  I'm supposed to have personal training this morning but my trainer just... ignores me and then when I ask about it she's like "ohh, yeah I'm not working friday."  it's annoying and I would switch but there is only one other female trainer and I just don't like her style.  Maybe I should try training at a different gym... yep, in all my free time.
Today i have to go back to the town where my college is for a recruiting event.  I think its funny that this is a mandatory event, when working 60+ hrs a week is also mandatory.  What do you expect me to do!?  My plan, even though I know I shouldn't, is to skip breakfast.  And then we're getting lunch catered,and I'm considering bringing a tupperware and getting some and saving it.  It's hard to pass up free food for some reason,

The girl I work with who is also disordered with eating is not really helping the cause.  We went on a walk Sunday and made this grand plan of eating healthy, recording it, etc etc.  Then she comes over to my desk with cake, etc, and sits down at the desk next to me and eat's my coworkers nuts... its not very healthy at all.. she says one thing and does another.. but I guess thats what I did too right?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I'm disappointed that he hasn't called or texted for 3 days.  Wow... I shouldn't be huh?  Easier said than done.  At least I haven't sent him that text that says "I assume you're seeing other people since you aren't talking to me" or something equally as passive.  Not that I have much time to talk... but you girl know, you want what you can't have.
Food today will be:
Waffles and Yogurt: 300
Gummy Bears: 150
Grapes: 150
Sandwich: 300
Oatmeal: 110
Soup: 200
Fritos: 200

Not exactly healthy all the way around... but I've got healthy avocado in the sandwich and soup, and gummy bears are fat free!
Work is just killing me.  Like I am literally dying!

Monday, August 23, 2010

thanks for the comments regarding Colorado.  Its sad... before I went to visit him, I sort of knew things were going to be weird.. I was seeing other people (NOT sleeping with them).. and I didn't have a lot of hope for the future of the relationship.  Now though... now that he's completely screwed me, I feel more in love than ever.  I guess it's just pain talking.

I decided I need to focus on myself.  I've been at the gym a good bit recently, but I haven't been taking care of my body by putting in healthy foods.  The stress of work has been getting to me, and I need to not let that happen.  I've decided to plan my meals ahead of time.  What I eat isn't exactly "HEALTHY" because of the high stress lifestyle I lead, I can't cook all the time... but I'm counting rounded calories and sticking to a plan, so, there you go.

Today-  oatmeal, coffee, lean cuisine, grapes, waffle yogurt, wine (1300).  Exercise (300).

Blogging was a great stress relief and I need to pick it up again!  It's good to see that Reese and RayRay are back... I enjoy reading their blogs, and the new kids will too!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I went to Colorado this weekend.  He is sleeping with other people... he lied about it.  And we didn't use a condom.  My heart is basically broken.  How could someone who loves you do that!?  I don't even care about the sex... it's not my first choice of recreational activities, but how could he not TELL me? or at least make sure I stayed safe?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

yesterday was the anniversary of my marriage.  needless to say I wasn't exactly thrilled.  I did as much as possible to forget about it... but I keep hearing that Eminem and Rhianna song ""Love the way you Lie".  The part where he sings
"I apologize, even though it's lies.  I'm tired of the games,  I just want her back.  I know I'm a liar, if she ever tries to fucking leave again I'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire"
Basically the worst part of my life is that I can resonate with that... SERIOUSLY?  And of course it played like 500 times, and then I tortured myself by YouTubing it, and sobbing all the way through.

So I went spinning, and I got a hair removal appointment, and a nail appointment, and then a hair appointment.  LOTS of pampering.  Then a guy I have been seeing in ATL came over and we had plans to go to the drive in but we ended up just seeing a normal movie.  I DID e-mail George, sent him the link to that video, and I said "This day in 2009 I made the worst mistake of my life."  Probably should have been a bit more grown up... but I couldn't help it.

Food wise
Powerbar- 250
Starbucks english muffin sandwich- 320
Chai Tea Latte- 200
Passion Tea Latte- 0
Movie Theater Popcorn- 400
Leftover tater tots and cheese- 400
2 Glasses of Wine- 300
Total: 1870

Hr Spinning: 500

Burn Estimate: 1710
Deficit: 340

Maybe I under estimated the calories in the popcorn and the tater tots.  I didn't eat TOO much popcorn though, so I'm not sure.

I am going to try and be like Piglet-- set a goal of calories not to go over no matter what.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

where did i lose myself?
i just... am not here anymore.
i don't even try.  i obsess, i complain, but i don't try!!!
i need someone to write me a diet or something.  but how is it possible when i travel all the time?  what i need to do is get salads at every meal with dressing on the side.  but when i go out on someone else's dime... i feel entitled to eat greasy disgusting food.  Like... if I don't, I am not getting my full $$s worth.  Even though it's not my money.  I don't know why-- seriously that makes about as little sense as possible.
Going to VA all of next week, and flying straight into CO from there.  So much for trying to lose weight before my trip. Ahh I had so many dreams of being tight and toned when I saw him.
But alas... I may be stronger, but I am certainly not thinner.
Life is awesome....

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I am dedicating myself to putting my calories in .  This website is very helpful because it has all types of food, and when you "complete" a day, it gives you a breakdown of where you need to work... (aka.  yesterday my carbs were too high).  If I weren't so social at night, maybe I could manage a better diet... but I go out with friends or hang out with friends every night, and that involve beer, carbs, sweets, etc.  Its a lose lose situation, because I don't want to sit at home.  The only thing I can think to do is compensate by not eating a lot during the day, but like yesterday, I was RAVENOUS.  Absolutely could not stop myself from eating.  And I know it wasn't hunger, it was stress.
What do I do?  I have no idea.
Yesterday I ate 2200 calories, and I had a 30 minute personal training appointment where we worked legs. According to the website, I net 315 calories... that means gain.  I don't think I'll be able to work out today, so I'll need to eat less than what I burn (1700).  So, I am going to aim for 1400 to even things out.  Let's see if that works!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

one day this weekend the scale read 145.2.... I though YES... I LOST weight on my business trip.... but now, I am exercising, and eating normal again (not going out to eat at every meal), and its back to 150.  Granted, my body is begging to have its period and I am trying to hold out another 5 days til my pack is gone.  Could that be it?  Probably not.  I want to go on a hardcore no carb diet.  But IDK what that means.  I don't even know how to start.  Eggs, Cheese, Bacon, Meat.  Can you have vegetables? what about fruit?

Friday, July 23, 2010


today I had--  edamame, quite a bit.. maybe a cup? a zone perfect bar/south beach bar... whatever.. vitamins up the wazzoooo, a cheese stick, 1 cracker.  And liquor :)
Lets say 500 calories so far.  Out to a bar with beer/wine/food.  I'll do my best, but I WANT to drink tonight.. so we'll see.
The workout was decent.... an hour of pilates, a half hour of elliptical.  And since I'm doing fine on food I'm definitely negative
A whole week and no post...Not as if anything of interest has happened to me.
Went out with a boy on Friday night.. and by boy I mean 30 year old attorney.  Will see him again today I think.  Gave blood on Saturday (lost a pint of weight??? lol) with a different boy... not so into him, but he is into me and I don't the attention when Mr. Colorado leaves me hanging out to dry.  Workout-- BAD.  I worked out last Saturday, and once during the week.  I have been traveling for work.
I am about to go to the gym now.. taking the day off, at least some of it.  I'm going to take a pilates class, then maybe try and do a run/walk combo.
I want to go low carb, but I find that when I do, I say things like "oh its okay to eat this fatty cheese, this slice of bacon, etc"... which is all well and good until I break down and HAVE TO HAVE the bagel, chips, etc.  Then I have carbs AND fat.  Silly me.
Hopefully after my work out I'll feel more motivated and have something real to write.

Friday, July 16, 2010

i have absolutely no justification for my lack of weight loss.  i basically just suck.
i feel like a huge fat cow... constantly. 149.2 #  Birth Control? Alcohol? Fatness?  Whatever it is... it sucks
It is VERY early in the morning, I am about to get my ass to the gym.  I don't care if I won't be able to function today at work. Must go to a Brave's game tonight, so I doubt I'll have any real exercise any other time.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I am just so down in the dumps!!!
My weight will NOT go down.  It is going UP.  I am exercising like crazy... I thought I was eating healthy, but maybe now I am eating more!?
I am tired as all hell... can barely make it to work by nine.
I don't know I don't know.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

i have been reading blogs but have been unmotivated to write.  and my internet has been out at home.  and i am more than a little tired of unloading on you all.  basically, in order to survive real life, i get out all the bad stuff here... that way, its like i bitched, im over it, and now i can be happier in the real world.. or supposedly.
fast update on boy-- i left him a voicemail voicing my opinion about it being over and him being less than a man for ignoring me.  he called later that night, let me know that his phone had been broken for the last 3 days, that i was being a complete girl because i didn't try to call him or i would have known it went straight to voicemail, and that he didn't have my number memorized so he couldn't call me.  so... we made up.  i need to take this less seriously.  my best friend in blogger land (she doesn't blog, but she's still my bff) told me it sounds like i am super depressed and stressed about this whole situation.  I shouldn't be though... because like i said in my last post... he lives in Colorado... there IS NO future.  This is purely fun, and I think that because I have been in serious relationships so long, I sometimes forget that.  The rational part of me just seems to slip out when I am stressed, and everything becomes this HUGE mess when I should be living life to the fullest, having fun, and accepting things for the way they are.

Easier said than done.

The stress has done me good this time around.  I have been working out like a mad woman.  I didn't exercise Sunday, but Monday I went to a spin class, and then to the other gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical.  Yesterday I went to my trainer in the morning (6:30-- way too early), and then to a spin class, which was surprisingly good.  I have my favorite instructors, and then I feel like no one ever measures up.  Tuesday at 6:45-- now on the list!
Food has been decent too.  Fruit, I had an entire subway sub yesterday-- half for lunch and half for dinner, and soup too.  I did eat 2 granola bars and 2 cookies, I didn't deserve them and shouldn't have had them.  Will do better today.  Doubtful I will be exercising... big deadline at work.

Hope everyone is well.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

the spin class did make me feel better about the boy situation.  I guess getting the endorphins pumping will do that.  too bad I didn't eat anything, and had a big cup of coffee, and halfway through the class I thought I would puke/pass out.  I took it easy the rest of the time.. didn't want to be a quitter!  Then my girlfriend and I went to get bagels-- mine had cheddar and tomato and turkey on it. YUM, but SO bad for you I am sure.  I am going to say 600-700 calories for the meal.  So then on my way home.. I was just.. sad again.  Sad Happy Sad Happy... so I thought... I have time.. and I just went back to the gym!  Did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes walking on the treadmill.  How do I feel now?  Um mostly tired... and still a little sad.  But currently my thought is "he lives in denver.. this wasn't going to work out anyway.. why are you so sad about it?"

at least i am pushing myself to exercise through the anguish!
it is saturday morning.  he didnt call me thursday night.  sometimes thats normal.. but i made a point to NOT email him during work on friday.  literally.... not a word.  he didnt call, text, email... nothing.  and now i don't know how to handle the situation.  does he think i am mad at him?  is he actually blowing me off?  is he acting like a boy instead of a man.. and his way of 'breaking up' with someone is to ignore them?  however... i am usually the person who emails him first.... usually he says that my job is way more important so that if he doesn't hear from me it means i am busy.  so now that i have put the ball in his court... i wonder.... does he know its in his court? or is he worried that maybe i dont want to talk to him since i usually initiate the conversation?
i have considered calling him this afternoon and saying something like 'look, this is obviously over... if you wanted to break up with me at least you could have been a man about it and let me know'... but i am afraid that i am taking this completely out of context.. as in.. i am just making things up in my head because i am an irrational female... and he is actually a) busy, b) with family on this holiday weekend, c) thinking I am mad bc i didn't contact him.

on/off switch---- need to invent that.  And DO need another guy here... just need to find one.

Off to spinning!!  Still sore from training but oh well

Friday, July 2, 2010

and the male depression sets in once again.  i wish i didn't care.  i wonder if there is an on-off switch i could find to make it stop.  honestly its really not fair.  my friend and i were discussion the males in our life.. hers thinks that men need to ignore woman they like in order to keep them interested.   thats just bullshit... but she said that she plays the same game with him.  if he doesn't want to call her then don't... that she will just ignore him, go 72 hours without a word until he breaks down and texts first.  then they text like wildfire for a while.  Weird.  I guess for me this is just.. odd, because i have never been in a relationship with someone who is so..... fickle? I dont know if that is the right word.  Someone who calls me baby and wants to talk late at night, then suddenly doesn't call me or text me all day, responds to my texts 2 hours later with short answers.. so odd.  Honestly... if he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, I think I would be a little hurt, but not sad.  More just like... "well, okay, time to move on" God I complain about him all the time, what the hell am I doing in a relationship with him?  When it stops being fun, time to get out.  I guess this situation is different because he lives across the country, and we aren't really dating... and I am obviously blowing everything out of proportion.

Trainer beat me up yesterday-- it was pretty hard. I'll post the workout later, its in my car.  I ate a protein bar, some potato chips, a lean cuisine, oatmeal, salad and lasagna.  Probably did pretty well as far as food, but I wish I hadn't eaten those chips.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

vacations ruin diets!
i have been so bad for the last week.  4 days in NY, 3 days in SC on work.  Went to delicious restaurants, had no where to do my workouts.  I walked 3 times, about 3 miles each.  I guess that counts for a little something. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

Workout for this week:
Do this 3/4 days this week.

1. Step up with bicep curls (10 pounds, 10 reps) 3x
2. Side Leg Raises (stand up and lift leg 90 degrees, then move forward, back, and down. 10 reps each side) 3x
These two go together... so you don't take a break.  Do 1 then 2, then repeat 2 more times.

1. Standing Row (or any type of row, if you have a machine.  12 reps) 3x -- I didn't use weights, I used a heavy type of lifter
2. Skiers (these are backwards lunges, switching legs. 18 reps) 3x

1. Assistend pullups (on level 13... 130 pounds.  8 reps) 3x
2. Mountain climbers 30 reps, 3x

Crunches: (repeat 2 times)
1. feet straight up, reach and touch outside of opposite toe- 20
2. modified pike - 14
3. sit ups- 4 twists on the way up, 12
4. regular sit ups- 12
5. bicycles- 24

Abs burned this week! Usually they dont!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

the trainer is back!  thank the lord!!!  i am going to insist that she fits me in a week ahead of time so we don't do this crazy waiting til the last minute thing again.  it is so annoying and it makes me feel unloved.  she changed her schedule and now only trains in the morning, and it just seemed like she didn't WANT to fit me in.  she said she would, and then didn't text me.  I FB friended her, maybe that jogged her memory, because yesterday at work i got a text saying she had a Wednesday AM appointment.  Perfect.  I leave for NY to see my family on wednesday night.  then I fly from NY to Charleston on Monday for a work project... and I won't be back in Atlanta until the following Wednesday.  It is going to be a long trip... but I think that it is better than coming back to ATL Sunday night, and flying out again Monday morning.
Spinning yesterday, followed by girls night with 2 glasses of wine, but not too much damaging food, luckily.  I did eat mozz sticks, but I didn't eat many tortilla chips as normal :)
I am starting to feel a little bit of ownership of my body.  Like... this is what I WANT.. and if I WANT it, I need to WORK for it.
Have not weighed in today yet.  Probably won't exercise today because I need to pack and squeeze in 4 days of work into my remaining 2.  YES
Thanks for the support!!  I'll post Kristin's workout tomorrow!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

i didn't fast.  while i was working (YES... I WORK ON SUNDAYS TOO... because being an accountant is AWESOME), i had some almonds, and then I had a few beers at the pool.  I was feeling a little tipsy so my friend made me some caprese salad, a half a sandwich and a spinach and tomato salad.  pretty healthy if you ask me.  I haven't had anything else and its 9pm.  We'll see how the rest of the night goes.  May have some soup before bed.
Went on a 4 mile walk with my friend... decent exercise for a Sunday.
My trainer has completely ditched me.  I need to find a new one, but I want a female and thats not easy.  I'll try my best to find a new one soon.
yesterday i weighed in at 146.8... dropped 3 pounds overnight.  fit into my 6's that i bought the other weekend.  this morning i weighed in at 148.6. must be from all the beer i drank yesterday. stupid me.  went to a spin class in the morning and messed up my knee entirely.  i think that i didn't have the seat far enough back and each rotation my knee was over my toes, like they say you aren't supposed to do.  it feels fine now, but last night i went to the braves game and had a hard time walking down the stairs at the stadium.
today i am going to attempt to fast, other than my coffee and water, of course. we'll see how it goes.

Friday, June 18, 2010

yesterday was alright.  Instead of eating the celery and hummus like planned, I had a packet of crackers (210), and a few almonds (100).  I also ate a big cookie (booo), and a starbucks drink

I left work around 6:15 to go to spin class, only to find that the instructor didn't show up! It was awful.  I just decided to go back to work, and stayed until about 8:30... I have a lot to do and since I go in so late (8:30-9), I usually end up staying.  It just sucked that I didn't get to work out, and I wasted an hour of my life in the car when I could have been home at 7:30 instead.  But oh well.. when I got home I was too tired to stuff my face with food.  I did eat a lot of soup, and now that I think about it I ate some cheese and crackers.  Hopefully not too much damage.  Supposedly I am going out for sushi tonight for dinner, but not until 9.  I should have plenty of time to get a good workout in then... on Fridays I leave work around 5 usually.... I hate to stay, even though it usually means I do a few hours of work on the weekend.

Oh well!!  I am going to be good today!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I was at work 12 hours yesterday... so needless to say I missed the spin class... even if I had planned on going (I had my workout clothes in my car!!).  I ended up going to the gym around 9:30 last night, biking for 30 minutes and then doing my training workout, minus the burpees.  Burpees, or squat thrusts, are seriously awful. 

I was also supposed to do jumping lunges, but I just did normal ones because I don't like looking like an idiot.  That is definitely something I need to get over!!  Does anyone want me to post the workout my trainer gives me?  I know some people are set in their ways so it wouldnt really be helpful.

I didn't do well with the food.  Had oatmeal instead of my croissant, which was good, but I didn't eat my apple, and instead I had 6 pieces of miniature candy, and a handful of chips with guacamole.

I'll try to do better today.  Oatmeal, Lean Cuisine, Celery and Hummus, Apple, Soup.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

This morning the scale said 149.  Honestly I thought this weight gain was just a fluke and I would be going back down... but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Haha.. so awesome that I start exercising MORE, and gain weight.  I don't care if it is water or not.. it F-ing SUCKS.
I think I need to reign in my eating.  That is probably my downfall.  Its not that I don't eat healthy, but that I eat things that weren't on my original plan.. or I didn't plan in the first place.  For instance, yesterday during the day I did really well... I had a mini croissant for breakfast (200), soup and blueberries for lunch (300), coffee (90), and then I got home... I had more soup and a croissant (450), and some pretzels (150).  If I had stopped there, that would have been find (although I shouldn't have eaten the pretzels).  Instead I went over to a girlfriends house and munched on some chips and cheese dip and couscous and a beer and a glass of wine.  I probably got up to 2,000 calories.  BOOOOO.  Today I should plan out my meals.
breakfast-- coffee, croissant
snack-- apple
lunch-- soup (homemade, all low sodium ingredients, only fat is cheese and avocado if you choose)
snack-- celery and hummus
dinner-- soup

I am contemplating going to the spin class today... but I need to do my training workout. I am supposed to do it 2 times during the week... obviously this weeks workout is freaking killer, so I am avoiding it.  I feel less sore today, but my hips are intact!  I like to do the spinning for the high calorie burn and good heart health.. but I need to do the weight training because that's the way to get toned and increase my metabolism.  I would say "oh, I'll just do both"... but... I don't know... I guess I could.  Or do my weight exercises and then do 30 minutes of the elliptical or something.

To answer Harlow's question--- no, my trainer did not give me a meal plan.  actually we don't even talk about long term goals, or plans.  basically, she spends 30 minutes walking me through a workout, and then expects me to do it 2 more times that week.  i believe that we are supposed to have a check in every month with the lead trainer to get our measurements done and see the progress though.  maybe we add in diet later?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

OUCH.  Seriously I don't even think I can walk today.  I should take the day off!!  I am sure my bosses would LOVE that excuse

Monday, June 14, 2010

note to self... and to all of you reading... if you don't feel like you are getting a good workout from your trainer... do NOT tell her "I actually haven't really been sore the last couple of times we have worked out."  Seriously, I had my training session this morning which is different, but she had to change her schedule and I like her so I wanted to change with her.  I thought afterwards I was going to die.  Like literally die.  I brought my work clothes with me, but I had to go home, just so I could sit on the toilet and NOT move... and because I was so sweaty there was NO WAY I could pass at work without a shower.  yeah.. so just so you know, don't say that... you will hate yourself.  I ate 840 calories from breakfast and while I was at work, and then I went to a cycle class... crazy, I know.  I promised my bff I would cycle with her last week before I knew my training session would be the same day.... I didn't work too hard.  When the instructor said 70%... I was probably more like 50%.  I guess it's all relative though.  It FELT like 100%!!!!  I am guessing I burned 400 calories in the hour.

So then, Meaghan and I always drink a huge bottle of wine between the two of us, and eat terrible food.  I made potato salad yesterday with miracle whip and lots of veggies, and we also ate Brie and water crackers and cheese spread.  It was the cheese part that really sucked.  And the wine I guess.  I tried not to eat too much.  She bought cake... but I didn't eat much, half a slice maybe.  I purged a little bit after she left (boo), but then in the middle I coughed, and I got it into my nasal passage.  If you purge, you know this is the "REAL" throwing up... it hurts and burns and SUCKS... I gave up after that.  No point in even trying again because I would end up feeling disgusting for a few hours while the acid ate through my tissue.

SO... I guess I am doing okay?  I shouldn't have eaten all of that... although I should have seen it coming with her.  We have a "healthy lifestyles" competition at work, where you have to eat 3 veggies, drink 2 liters of water, not have soda, and work out 4 times a week.. you build points, and the service line with the most points wins something stupid.... but I am going to compete anyway! I got ALL my points for today!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Okay... on to weight related stuff.
In the last 4 weeks, I have been seeing a personal trainer.  Her name is Kristin and she is great.  She is 27, in AMAZING shape, and we have a lot of fun chatting.  It seems to me like we would be really good friends.  This is a plus and a minus on the personal training front.  I WANT to go, because I spend a good half hour talking to someone I like, and the workout goes by fast.  Wouldn't it suck to work out in silence?  However, after the first time, I no longer got sore... I feel like she and I probably don't work out as hard as we could because we are chit chatting.  She never gives me any advice like "you need to work on form"  (maybe I have perfect form?)  Do you think that since I am paying her, I should say something?  And what would I say??  I like her A LOT and I don't want to ruin this, but like I said.. I am paying her so I should be getting results.
Okay, also... I have been GAINING weight.  I am at 150 right now.  I have been working out like crazy... I have been going to cycle twice a week, which is an hour of intense cardio, I have been doing my personal training workouts once or twice a week and then doing a half hour of cardio.  I wonder if I have been eating more???
I also started taking birth control again... seasonique.. the kind you take for 3 months with no period.  This week would have been the week I would have gotten my period, and I am feeling sore in my hips, and a little bloated.  Is this normal? Could this be why I am gaining weight?  What happens with all that tissue buildup if I don't have a period?  Does it get reabsorbed? Or does it just keep building up for 3 months and then I have a really heavy period when I finally get one?
Advice please?
Also, I am not eating today after brunch.  I promised that I would go to my friends parents house for brunch, but I am NOT eating after that.  I bought size 6 shorts at old navy yesterday.  I didn't try them on because I was sweaty from cycle, but when I got them home... they DIDN'T FIT!!!!  SERIOUSLY?  I can't wear ANY shorts.  That's how awesome my life is.  I am NOT going to be the fat girl.  An 8 is ridiculous.  Fuck Me.
its been over a week since my last post! i am not doing well!!! I am sorry.  I have been reading, but life is... life.
Update on my hot man.  Last post I said I was being a girl about the situation, where I felt under appreciated and so on and so forth. Piglet made a comment saying that he wasn't meeting my emotional needs, which really rang true with me.  What ARE my emotional needs?  I seem to be the person who wants her cake and ice cream at the same time.  I want him to love me SOOOOO much, but give me LOTS of space...  I want a boyfriend, without the pressure.  Well... that doesn't exist.  So, the next day he called me, and I asked about 4th of July, AGAIN... and he said that he didn't think it was a good idea because his whole family would be up and we wouldn't get to spend any time alone, and that maybe I could come up in August.  AUGUST? So I said... "look babe... this seems like its coming to an end.  I really like you, I think you are great and I could really see myself caring a lot about you, but at this point, you aren't meeting my emotional needs (THANKS PIGLET :)"  We discussed what I meant... that I felt like I wanted to just be in a casual place in my life, but with him and the distance, it wasn't possible, and that he was such a great guy I would rather just not talk to him at all than to feel stressed because I liked him so much and wasn't sure if he liked me or if we were actually going to see each other again etc etc.  His response was "I have enjoyed talking to you every day since we met, and I think that I just have realistic expectations of this while you might not.  I am just sort of taking it day by day and who knows where it will go."  I told him I appreciated that, and I enjoyed talking to him too.. and then we hung up.
I e-mailed him a few times the next day but not nearly as much as we normally do, and then I went and helped a friend move a washer dryer (and by help i mean sat and watched).  When I got home I had a missed call from him, and when I called him back he said something like "I was sure you would have called me while I was playing my basketball game but I didn't have a missed call from you and it sucked.  I thought about what you said all day and it really upset me.  I WANT to meet your emotional needs.  I WANT you in your life.  I want to be your boyfriend and be your only one."  Seriously, it was like twilight zone.  I was SO freaking surprised!!!  Since then.. I didn't exactly agree to the boyfriend thing.. but I have been taking the approach that yes, he does like me, we are just busy people and we can't be expected to change our lives completely and chit chat constantly throughout the day.  Hopefully we'll get some good weekend talking in, and for right now, that can be good enough, because I don't have any prospects here in Atlanta.  Honestly though, even if I did, this guy is a keeper... I just have to actually SEE him...  I am wearing him down on letting me come visit for the holiday.... although he is right, it would totally suck to spend the entire weekend with his family.

Well, this post was supposed to be about weight.  I will write another one I guess!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

unfortunately the girlishness has not subsided like i had hoped.  could it be that i am on birth control again? Byron (hot, half naked man) has got my panties all in a twist. Here's the thing.  Was I happy before I met him?  Happy being single? YES.  HELL YES.  I loved it.  Was I happy when he and I were talking and it wasn't serious because he lives in another state? YES, because he wasn't "THE ONE".... BUT THEN he has to come visit me (mind y'all, we hadn't slept together before he came... so he either paid a lot of money for a booty call, or he really liked me), and by coming to visit I turn into this blubbering crazy psycho girl.  Because now its obvious he likes me... RIGHT?  But then why haven't we made plans for ME to visit HIM?  Why don't we talk as much?  Is this all in my head?  I obsess and obsess about it, thinking how I was a fool to fall for him, how I can't live without him, and thinking he must not like me because he doesn't call, doesn't text, etc etc..... and then when I have given up hope and gone to bed... he calls!
The real problem is, it doesn't matter if he likes me or doesn't like me.  The way he acts makes me feel as if he doesn't really care.  He told me early on that many of his girlfriends have complained that he is "non-emotional" and acts as if the relationship is a take it or leave it deal to him.  He said "That's not necessarily how I feel, but I just don't really show that."  I totally see that happening.  Sometimes he says the SWEETEST things... FOR INSTANCE:

ME:  if you think that 4th of July would be a bad weekend, I can come a different one.  I know you said you had to check with your momma but I don't want to make her mad.  She's gotta like me :)
HIM:Lol she's gonna like baby. I was hoping the 4th of july cuz if its not that weekend I'm worried it won't be until August and that's a long time not to see you.
 See... so sweet... seems like he likes me.  Then I get e-mails about how he thinks I'm hot for the guy who takes my blood at Red Cross, and how he shouldn't visit because then I won't have time for the blood guy.  Like maybe he is just joking around... but seriously?  Not funny.... especially over an e-mail.

So I feel like I have obsessed about this enough.  I can't just "have fun" with this one.  There is no "fun" talking on the phone... and since he hasn't made an effort to have me come visit, other than to say he needs to check with his mother about July 4th weekend (which I assume he hasn't because I haven't heard anything), it isn't like we'll be "having fun" visiting every month.  I need to take this for what it is.. a good time that is probably not going to happen again.  Maybe he found another girl and doesn't want me to come visit because then he'd have to disappear for a weekend and come up with an explanation.  More likely, he's just not that into me... which makes perfect sense because I DO live on the other side of the damn country.

Ugh.. Seriously.. Can I just let this go?  YES.  I need to meet a new guy, and then I can let this go.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Calories today were a DISASTER.  I literally.  LITERALLY ate an ENTIRE sleeve of thin mints. 640 calories.  Surprising it was so small!!
I also ate a southwestern chicken salad... grilled chicken, lettuce, corn, beans, guac, salsa, honey mustard dressing.  Sweet potato fries.  A few bites of spinach dip
I honestly find it surprising that I am under 2,000 calories (I used calorie count website)

Oh, did I tell you that I also fell down the stairs.

YEP.... that's how great my life is!
Going spinning tomorrow.  Life has to get better, right?
it is really easy to lie to yourself. it is really easy to say "well... that cookie didn't count"  it's easy to bump up your calorie burn and reduce your calorie intake... and whats the reason?  to hide from yourself?
i am so guilty of this.  how much was my tortilla soup last night... WELL i tell myself that it didn't have any tortillas, and I used FF everything, so it really can't be that bad.  BUT i made it from scratch, there is no label to tell me, and did I have 1 cup or 3 cups?  A bowl is not a measurement.
how many calories do YOU burn in yoga.  Was it the yoga where you are constantly moving around and starting to sweat, or is it the yoga where you sit like a statue and concentrate on breathing?  when we go to enter in our exercise, do we take this into account?  the instructor in the spin class i took on Monday said we burned 740 calories.  HE might have burned that many... I certainly didn't. 
I just don't understand what the point of lying is.  It just hinders us-- dragging us further and further from our goal.  And I don't understand why I continue to do it!!

Monday, May 31, 2010

being a girl sucks.  I am seriously depressed right now.  I need to snap out of it
im feeling a little bloated and full this morning.  I haven't been overly bad so I don't know whats going on.  Yesterday I weighed in at like... 152, which made absolutely no sense.
I started the personal training-  her name is Kristin, and she is probably a little older than me.  I did bicep curls/presses, leg raises/ squats, pushups/rotating planks, tricep pull downs/lunges, situps/side to side with a medicine ball.  My homework was to do this 3 more times before we meet again, but we worked out on thursday an I am seeing her on Tuesday, so I don't know how thats going to work.. I have done it twice, although not as hard as she had me do it.  I also did cardio all three times too.
Food wise-- yesterday I went grocery shopping and I didn't buy much that you can snack on.  I bought a lot of veggies, stuff for soup, oatmeal, milk, yogurt, pretzels.
Intake yesterday was a bagel and a cafe misto from starbucks (360 total), butter (100), pretzel chips, peppers, and hummus (300), tortilla soup with no tortillas two bowls (400?), 1 glass of wine (150), reese's pieces (200)
Outtake yesterday was 30 minutes of weight training (100), 1 hr biking (300)
NET= 1110 calories
Probably not as good as it could be, but there is always today to remedy the situation... and my soup really just has 99% FF broth, 99% FF turkey, lots of veggies, some FF sour cream, 2% cheese, and a slice of avocado, so who knows about the calories

On a love note-- i think i am going to go visit Byron over 4th of July weekend.  I wanted to visit in June because we really miss each other, but if I go the first week in July then I get a 3 day weekend and can stay an extra day :)  And the longer we stretch it out before flying, the less expensive it is for everyone.
However-- we have been talking etc for a month and a half.  We texted during the day about July visit, and I said "lets talk about this tonight".  Then, he didn't call.  I don't know why I am upset because I could have easily called him, but usually if I don't call, he calls me while I am asleep... and I woke up at like 3 am to no call.  I sent a text that said "up?"  but I didn't hear from him.  And the rest of the night I dreamed of texts etc.  Why didn't he call?  WHY WHY WHY.  Probably because he is in NM visiting with family, and he knows I am 2 hours ahead so by the time he was ready to go to sleep, he knew I would already be asleep.  Or maybe because I didn't specifically say "call me" and he was under the impression that I would call him.  Or maybe he thought that since I didn't call him I didn't want to talk.  OR MAYBE OR MAYBE OR MAYBE.  I AM SUCH A GIRL I HATE IT!!!!!