Monday, May 26, 2014

I'm trying to figure out life on my own. I've spoke to the ex once since I last posted. We are about a month into the breakup. It's gotten a little easier... I'm not crying everyday, just when someone brings it up. I was not eating at all, but I now have my appetite back and am self medicating with food. 
Most of my friends have been lovely and helpful. I have been keeping very busy with dinners and drinks and shopping, but unfortunately it comes with a price. I am waiting for June to come around so I can start fresh! June will be a no shopping month. I don't need to buy clothes, makeup, or household items for 30 days... It shouldn't be that hard! I AM looking for a lamp for my desk, but it can wait. If I find something perfect, I will make an exception. 
Does anyone follow Shannon Ables, author of the Simply Luxurious Life blog? She is a successful, happy and (most importantly to me) single woman. She doesn't have her identity tied up in the search for marriage, like I do. 
One thing she told me (yes I emailed a famous blogger about my love life) is that while part of me is grieving the loss of my bf, I am most likely grieving the loss of the role I thought the relationship was going to play in the journey toward my happiness. Heavy right!? Her advice to me is to stay single and use this time of being on my own as a gift and an opportunity to explore, not to waste it being sad and depressed. But also, to be kind to myself.
I am seeing him again next weekend to pick up the rest of my stuff. I don't have closure so it's hard for me to let go completely, but I think when I don't have any reason to see him again, it will help. I wish I was mad at him, or I wish he had made up his mind definitively. I guess his lack of making up his mind about me kind of IS closure. I want to be with someone who knows he wants to be with me!!
Ugh I am sad. I am ready to stop being sad! 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I am still really heartbroken. Nothing has been resolved and BF and I aren't talking. It's been 19 days... I guess I thought it would take no more than 2 weeks for him to realize what he was giving up, but I guess not. 
I need to accept that I have lost the love in my life, and start working on repairing my heart so I can eventually find a new one!