Monday, May 31, 2010

being a girl sucks.  I am seriously depressed right now.  I need to snap out of it
im feeling a little bloated and full this morning.  I haven't been overly bad so I don't know whats going on.  Yesterday I weighed in at like... 152, which made absolutely no sense.
I started the personal training-  her name is Kristin, and she is probably a little older than me.  I did bicep curls/presses, leg raises/ squats, pushups/rotating planks, tricep pull downs/lunges, situps/side to side with a medicine ball.  My homework was to do this 3 more times before we meet again, but we worked out on thursday an I am seeing her on Tuesday, so I don't know how thats going to work.. I have done it twice, although not as hard as she had me do it.  I also did cardio all three times too.
Food wise-- yesterday I went grocery shopping and I didn't buy much that you can snack on.  I bought a lot of veggies, stuff for soup, oatmeal, milk, yogurt, pretzels.
Intake yesterday was a bagel and a cafe misto from starbucks (360 total), butter (100), pretzel chips, peppers, and hummus (300), tortilla soup with no tortillas two bowls (400?), 1 glass of wine (150), reese's pieces (200)
Outtake yesterday was 30 minutes of weight training (100), 1 hr biking (300)
NET= 1110 calories
Probably not as good as it could be, but there is always today to remedy the situation... and my soup really just has 99% FF broth, 99% FF turkey, lots of veggies, some FF sour cream, 2% cheese, and a slice of avocado, so who knows about the calories

On a love note-- i think i am going to go visit Byron over 4th of July weekend.  I wanted to visit in June because we really miss each other, but if I go the first week in July then I get a 3 day weekend and can stay an extra day :)  And the longer we stretch it out before flying, the less expensive it is for everyone.
However-- we have been talking etc for a month and a half.  We texted during the day about July visit, and I said "lets talk about this tonight".  Then, he didn't call.  I don't know why I am upset because I could have easily called him, but usually if I don't call, he calls me while I am asleep... and I woke up at like 3 am to no call.  I sent a text that said "up?"  but I didn't hear from him.  And the rest of the night I dreamed of texts etc.  Why didn't he call?  WHY WHY WHY.  Probably because he is in NM visiting with family, and he knows I am 2 hours ahead so by the time he was ready to go to sleep, he knew I would already be asleep.  Or maybe because I didn't specifically say "call me" and he was under the impression that I would call him.  Or maybe he thought that since I didn't call him I didn't want to talk.  OR MAYBE OR MAYBE OR MAYBE.  I AM SUCH A GIRL I HATE IT!!!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Didn't i post a few days ago about goals?  Like eating healthy.... having a plan and sticking to it?  Stuff like that right?  Well...then I am just awesome.  I had a tiny workout yesterday.  Basically it was my "baseline" evaluation.  Measurements, and tests like "how many pushups can you do?"  I had eaten decently-- 2 pieces of fruit, a small serving of lasagna, and cherries throughout the day.  When I got home, I knew my friend was coming over and we would make dinner together.  But I was feeling peckish and so I cooked up the last of the breaded okra I had in the freezer.  Ugh so gross and oily.  Why!?  As soon as I was finished with it, she called.  She said "I don't really want to cook, its getting late.. etc etc"  I said "Yeah, I just had some veggies, I might go pick up Chic-fil-A or something"...and then I got it into my head that I HAD to go to Chic-fil-A.  How many of y'all have been there?  Its a southern thing really... absolutely delicious.  So I purged my okra... but I mean, it was drenched in oil, so how much of that did I REALLY get up?  I estimate that I had a good 200 calories of oil still left in me...  I went and got a chicken sandwich (430), and a large fry (430).  I ate the fries, but couldn't even look at the sandwich (thank god).  I calculated my calories to be about 1700 yesterday.  Oops.
The sandwich is in my fridge.  I was thinking I would have just the chicken part (250), for breakfast.  I am going to lunch with my work mentor to talk about how I did during performance evals.  I picked a southern restaurant with absolutely NOTHING healthy, but I might switch since he is a vegetarian and they only have one vegetable plate.  I could switch to sushi maybe?
Weight this morning 146.6
Going to yoga today with a co-worker,  personal training tomorrow at 6pm

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

SO.... I did something stupid.  Well... I mean, yeah... stupid.
I joined LA fitness when I moved.  Its close to my house, I don't have a gym in my house like I had in my apartment-- it just made sense.  Its only 30/month.  The one near me has sort of old machines, but I can go to any LA fitness in the state for free.  I tried one out by the place I shop, it was nicer, and they have a good class schedule.
When you sign up, you get a complimentary personal training session, where they try and convince you to give them all your money.  Well... I had mine yesterday.  And I didn't need much convincing.  For someone with an Accounting Degree you would think I would be good with my money, but no.
I signed up for 24 sessions at $35/session-- $140/month.  Not TOO bad, but the sessions are only a half hour long, and I had to pay a $55 activation fee or something.
So... I don't blog about this because its not interesting, but I have been having extreme financial difficulties.  The place I moved from was REALLY expensive.  $1215/month in rent-- I just couldn't afford it.  Being with George sort of sucked the rest of my money away.  Its those little things that add up.  Buying alcohol and then having it all disappear.  Giving him $$ to buy groceries and not getting all of the change back.  Sick animals, crashing the car, etc etc etc.  I had a budget but it was really hard to stick to!
Now I pay $785.  The place is smaller, but I don't have a high electric bill or water bill, I don't have to pay for cable, and I can sort of make up my saving in utilities on my gym membership.  However, I have had to pay double rent for 1.5 months because of the move.  I had a full month's security deposit, and I didn't move out of the other place until the 15th of this month.  On top of that, I have been traveling for work.  Some companies give you a company credit card to put all your expenses on, but not mine.  We have to put all our travel expenses on our own card, and we get reimbursement checks twice a month.  Well... I have been out of town for two weeks, spending nearly $2,000, and draining my checking account/running up my CC.
SO... when I signed up for the personal training, I didn't realize that I would be paying $195 up front.  55 for the activation and 35 for the month.  Too bad I only had $122 in my checking and savings COMBINED.
So basically here is the deal.  I am screwed.  I don't get paid until Friday.  And when I do get paid, most of my reimbursement is going to my credit card.  My paycheck will be 1500.  I make 3000/month, and here are my expenses
(785) rent
(30) gym
(150) utilities
(350) car loan
(350) student loan
(90) car insurance
(140) personal training
I am left with 1105 for grocery shopping, paying down my credit card, registration, alcohol, etc.
I guess when I look at it this way it doesn't seem so bad-- however it still sucks A LOT.  Overdraft fees are going to kill me.  Eating at restaurants-- BAD.  I spend almost 500/month on food.  I spend 700 this year shopping??  I guess thats just like little things that add up. I needed new linens, a new bathroom set, etc. etc.  God I need to get this under control!!!
I get a bonus in August.  It is pretty small but I don't care, it will help a little bit.

I need to stop talking about this.  its so depressing and no one cares.

On the plus side, at least I now have a personal trainer.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

okay i feel a bit more composed.  I ate a salad for breakfast/lunch, and I did P90X shoulders and arms... although... it is the easiest one.. so I guess I shouldn't feel proud of myself.
I need a plan.  I need to be like Harlow.  A few months ago, she made a comment that said "we have the same body type"... we were about the same weight.  Since this time, she has managed to drop 15 pounds, and I have managed to drop... -1?  She has an amazing drive.  She writes about how she works out with her boyfriend, works out by herself, works out all the time.  And she fasts.  And she doesn't purge.  Can anyone get more perfect???
I wish I had that drive.. that motivation that makes you WANT something.  I don't though.  I don't want it bad enough do I?  Well, thats not true.  I REALLY REALLY want it.  But I am not willing to work hard for it.  Instead I just act like my life is so awful because weight doesn't just fall off of me.  See... THIS is what makes me so dumb.
Maybe I should make a plan for this week!?
I have a lot of salad-  It has grilled chicken in it, and I have fat free Caesar dressing I can use.
I have fruit, and yogurt, and cheese.  I am going to say that this week I will NOT be eating any fried okra.  And I will NOT be going out to eat at all.  And I WILL eat breakfast, because its good for you.
Breakfasts-- cereal with milk?  yogurt? fruit?
Lunches-- salads?  soups? starbucks lattes?
Dinners-- lean cuisines? salads? grilled chicken?  shrimp?

Exercise Goal-- 200 minutes this week.

See... now I feel better.
i am out of control.
purged every day but 2 for the last 2 weeks.  So that's 13 times in 15 days.  SERIOUSLY?!  My teeth are going to fall out.  AND I am not skinnier! I haven't blogged for what... a monthish?  or two weeks?  I am the same.  146.8.  Yesterday 145.2
What is wrong with me?!
I joined the LA Fitness near my house.  They have exercise classes I should take.  I have gone a few times-- I have been traveling for work so haven't been home for the last two weeks, and in the between week my Hot Las Vegas boy came to visit.  I went to the little hotel gym a handful of times... really didn't do anything substantial.  I have lost all my cardio ability, so when I have gone to the gym I feel weak after 15-20 minutes.  I feel exhausted like I can't keep going.  Usually I will do 20 minutes on one machine and then do 20 minutes on another to switch it up and make sure I am getting more than 30 minutes in.  Yesterday I couldn't... 10 on the stairstepper, 10 on the elliptical, 10 on the treadmill.

ugh sorry i got distracted and forgot to finish this post.
End of story is that I suck.

Monday, May 17, 2010

i don't know where I have been.  Working.  Not working out.  Moving. Sleeping.  Eating.  Living.  Its weird.  I feel empty a little.
I haven't gained.... but I have lost a lot of tone I think.  I had a lot of sex this weekend and I feel worn out.  My body hurts... like I wasn't fit enough to do it.  This was with the boy from Vegas.  The one I don't deserve.  After meeting in person after that one night, and then weeks of phone chatting-- he is still as good as ever.  I was only disappointed with myself.  I just cannot understand why anyone so beautiful would be interested in someone like me... and interesting and funny and everything I want in a partner.  And he said all the right things, and he said them so convincingly.  About how much he liked me, about how he could see us together, about how our children would be beautiful, about how he would consider moving here, about how he doesn't want sex from anyone else, he only wants me.  And I believed him.
I am on the road again this week for work.
I have been purging with stress but will try to stop this week
I miss you all-- I'll try and come back soon/

Saturday, May 1, 2010

i am sabotaging myself.  why would i do that?
this hot hot hot boy... he is coming to visit me.  it has been the best motivation i have ever had for exercising, eating healthily, not binging.  BUT... last night, I had no plans, and really I just needed to stay home and get my packing done.  I thought... oh well I'll go to Target and return my broken sunglasses and grab a bag of chips for dinner.  And the thought didn't occur to me until I already bought them "chips are bad for you, don't get them.. they are a weakness."  So I got them and I ate almost half the bag.  And then because I wanted to, I made a lean cuisine meal... because that is how awesome I am.
I am dumping out the chips today.  I honestly do not deserve any food if I am going to do that to myself.

One bite and I am done for.  Shouldn't even start.
I don't want to check the scale to see what the damage is, I am too afraid.