Sunday, April 27, 2014

Before you read: please don't leave me any opinions here. I'm not ready for the world to have opinions about this. I'm just really sad and I need to put it BF backed out of the apartment search this weekend. I feel in my heart that I knew this would happen. Maybe I shouldn't say that because I always assume the worst and it rarely is the case. I guess with this, it is. He said he should want to do this. Even though he is scared he should feel ready, and since he doesn't, something is wrong. I went through some things I talked through in therapy, fear not being in the drivers seat and doing things dispite them being scary. I also told him that I was really hurting because he has had so much time to bring these concerns to me and he has been avoiding the conversation.  And now, it's too late, because I am required to give 30 days notice. I also told him that while I love him to the moon and back and I think he is a great catch, it's important to me that we move forward in our relationship, and I have been patient and accommodating in the past, but now it's time to do what is best for me and move on. He says he understands, but he also says that it's messed up that the choices are "move in or break up." I told him that the worst scenario of moving in is that it doesn't work out and we have to pay money to break the lease... So the only difference between breaking up now, and the worst case scenario is the money, which we both have. I think that made him think differently, but still no commitment. 
In my heart I think want him to realize that a few days without me is no good, and will take action when I disappear and make his regular life uncomfortable. Maybe that will happen, but then I worry we have this same fight and breakup when I want to get engaged, or have kids. Is it worth it? If he comes back this time to tell me he's made a mistake, do I demand a timeline of future events to avoid this happening again? Or should I not even think like that and get my hopes up that he will come around?
I think I am doing the right thing with the mini ultimatum. It's not a "bend to my wishes or else" ultimatum but a "I need to do what's best for me and i want you with me but I'll move on without if I have to" ultimatum. It's just so so so sad. How can you love someone so much and just not be in sync? Why did he let this drag on and on for the last few months knowing it was hurting me? 
I just needed to get this out, and I didn't know who to talk to. 

Thanks for reading. 


Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter/Passover everyone!!
No days off from work but that's ok. I'm enjoying my chocolate and baked goods and still squeezing in my workouts! Dinner tonight is healthy kabobs!
I went back to the gym for a 2nd weigh in on the scale. 
This time they put my body type in as Athletic instead of Standard. I read up on the difference and I think Athletic is more correct. It is for someone who has exercised for many years, or someone who intensely exercises 10 hours per week, and in both cases has a restring heart rate of less than 60 beats per minute. I have a resting heart rate between 45-55 usually. Anyway the difference is how it calculate body fat %... So I think that's why my drop is so high. 

But anyway, overall in the last 5-6 weeks I'm down 4 lbs, 5% body fat, and have lost 9 lbs of fat mass. I've also gained 5 lbs of fat free mass, 4 lbs of those being total body water. 
The new printout says I only need to lose another 2 lbs to get to 20% bf.... But obviously I want to be smaller than that!