Wednesday, December 28, 2011

i am hesitant to publish this post because many of the readers in our bloggosphere are quite young.. and it may sound like i am a raging lunatic... but hopefully my older readers with empathize with me and not think i am a crazy-pants.

SO... I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months because he couldn't tell me he loved me.  Not sure if I posted about the incident in October... he had told me he loved me... only to take it back.  Granted we had only been dating a few months when he said it so it was definitely the infatuation stage... but when he took it back we had been together a good 4 months.  At my age, you kind of put it all out on the table.  You don't date to date, unless you're really just looking to get laid.  Ahh maybe I am just confusing everyone.
Okay... so... at my age, you meet someone and you go out with them once or twice to determine if they are the type of person you could see yourself potentially being with long term.  if the answer is yes, you continue to see them.  As you get to know that person, you realize either a) they are not right for you, or b) they ARE right for you.  If the answer is b, I think that is love.  I used to think of love as "if i lost that person I would be devastated", but now i think of it as "can i see myself with this person in 5 years.  would that make me happy?" 
For me, with my boyfriend.  The answer is yes.  We have been together for 6 months.  We see each other a good bit.. so we are very very close.  I know who he is as a person, and I care about him so deeply.  I think that at 6 months, with the amount we see each other, you know, yes or no.

He doesn't know.  He cannot use the word "love" to describe me.  He CAN NOT.  I can't help thinking... he KNOWS me.  he knows the person I am.  I am not planning on changing.  I have not lied to him about my qualities my flaws, my overall character traits.  He knows who I am.  And if he doesn't know if he loves me... time will not change that. 

He treats me with so much love, and so much respect.  He is really a great guy.  There are definitely things I don't like about him, definitely annoyances and things I wish I could change.  I consider him kind of selfish, and he has been pretty lax about exercising since we started dating.  He doesn't love my cat, and sometimes he doesn't listen to me when I talk.  So he's not perfect.  Neither am I... of course.  But over all... we fit very well together.  We have a great friendship, we trust each other, we have a good sex life, we enjoy each others company, and my friends like him.  And if I were 20... then I would let things continue to play out...  because there is plenty of time in the world.  For some reason, now that I am nearly 26... I feel like having a good relationship is not good enough.  I want love.  I LOVE him.  And I think I deserve to have love too.  I don't want to get married (been there, done that), I don't want to get engaged.  I don't want to consider moving in together for at least another 6 months... but I do want love.  And I truly believe that if it hasn't happened now, its not going to happen.

I am crushed.  I haven't allowed myself to cry yet... but I will soon I think.  I want to stay strong.  I want to stop wishing I hadn't done this.  I want to remember that I am making the right decision in the end, even if its the hardest one.  I can't stop hoping that in a week or two he will come back to me telling me that I am the love of his life... and that he is lost without me.  I need to let go of that.  There is definitely no point in holding on to hope  when it is pretty darn unrealistic.

He deserves to fall in love.  I deserve to be loved.  It sucks that its not the two of us together.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Just reminding myself that I don't need a bag of chips to feel satisfied. Skinny people don't eat chips. And neither do I.
It's the little things you don't count. Like the m&ms on the counter at work you grab. Or the candy you eat while you facebook stalk people. I had yogurt, carrots, and lean cuisine yesterday.... But then I also had popcorn mid morning that someone brought in...... The cheesy caramel kind. Yuck! And I had two Reese's candies which were put on my desk. After the gym I got moes, and took the free chips. It's the little things. That's why I need a plan.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I haven't blogged in a while. Just been reading everyone else's. This time of year is hard to make healthy eating and exercise a commitment! I've been decent ( honestly, I think I have) but the scale numbers tell a different story. I think I typically ruin all my progress from the week on the weekend... But I went to the gym 3 days during the week, and hiked/ran twice on the weekend. Pretty good for me. But the numbers don't lie. And I'm back near 150. Simple math seems impossible sometimes!

Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm starting to think this no eating thing may not be the best idea.... Or maybe just the way I'm doing it. I didn't eat at all Tuesday but a few bites here and there which I told you about. Then on Wednesday I made it til eleven before shit hit the fan. I ate cheesecake soup pizza moes and pizza rolls. I threw up the pizza rolls and woke up at a good weight but was so ashamed!! Yesterday I fasted as well but only til 7. I was still working and so I had crackers to tide me over til I finished at 9. My friend felt bad for me and brought me a box of cookies. I ate at least 5! So that has to be like 1,000 calories. I woke up at 145 and was hoping to lose more this week, but I guess I need more willpower. Today I am undecided between not eating or having soup and yogurt. Don't want my coworkers to think I have a problem. ;)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Such a terrible day.  Sometimes i take my work way too personally.  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because my weight was higher than I had hoped.  I resolved not to eat at all.  I ended up with 120 cals of coffee, 1 york peppermint patty, 1 pickle spear, and a small handful of chips. I didn't end up with a zero calorie day, but i did go to the gym and burn 350 calories.... I'm probably at zero net for the day.. and I guess I'm getting hungry, but I'm tired and stressed and I'm unhappy.... and I'm not going to let that translate into overeating.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I'm doing the intermittent fasting again this week. I accidentally told my best friend I would have dinner with her tonight. So should I do my fasts Wednesday and Friday, or somehow fast the entire day Tuesday including dinner. The only thing about that is it is two nights, so more that 24 hours. I can handle that I guess. Yesterday I ran 3 10 minute intervals. 30 minutes!! Best I've ever ever done. Sooo sore this morning. Oh and Miranda, I am jealous of you every time you post a blog entry. Just FYI :).

Thursday, December 1, 2011

So sore from the body works class tuesday morning!!  Obviously I need to step it up in the gym.  For some reason my boyfriend doesn't like weights.  I want to tell him that it shows... maybe not the best idea huh?  But he's out of town and we skyped yesterday (a great way to avoid putting food into my mouth!!), and he was in his hotel room shirtless and he doesn't look bad... hes pretty thin.  But kind of like a little kid.  Anyway.  Day 2 and 3 were very good.  Tuesday I had more than soup and orange for dinner... I kind of "binged" when i got home
Tuesday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange(250) granola bar (100) raspberries (100) hershey kisses (200) kitkat (200) almonds (85) TOTAL: still less than 1000.
Yesterday I definitely took it upon myself to eat whatever I wanted. I didn't eat the yogurt, but had a starbucks drink instead.  And with my pizza, I also had a beer.  Again with the kitkats too... I'm crazy about those!
Wednesday- breakfast: yogurt coffee and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) pizza (600) beer (130) snack: apple orange and diet soda (100) kitkat (200) dinner: powerade zero TOTAL: 1300 (not sure if it really adds up.  Just giving the total off my calorie counter)
At least yesterday I went to spin class, where I burned at LEAST 500 calories (probably more like 700), so I would say I still have a big deficit.  This morning I woke up at 145 even, but my pee is dark, so I might be a little dehydrated.  Looking forward to finishing these fasts strong and enjoying dinner tonight.
Thursday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange (250) Out with Friends to mexican (SOUP?)  TOTAL: 300
Friday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple and granola bar (200) dinner: TBD TOTAL: TBD