Wednesday, December 28, 2011

i am hesitant to publish this post because many of the readers in our bloggosphere are quite young.. and it may sound like i am a raging lunatic... but hopefully my older readers with empathize with me and not think i am a crazy-pants.

SO... I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months because he couldn't tell me he loved me.  Not sure if I posted about the incident in October... he had told me he loved me... only to take it back.  Granted we had only been dating a few months when he said it so it was definitely the infatuation stage... but when he took it back we had been together a good 4 months.  At my age, you kind of put it all out on the table.  You don't date to date, unless you're really just looking to get laid.  Ahh maybe I am just confusing everyone.
Okay... so... at my age, you meet someone and you go out with them once or twice to determine if they are the type of person you could see yourself potentially being with long term.  if the answer is yes, you continue to see them.  As you get to know that person, you realize either a) they are not right for you, or b) they ARE right for you.  If the answer is b, I think that is love.  I used to think of love as "if i lost that person I would be devastated", but now i think of it as "can i see myself with this person in 5 years.  would that make me happy?" 
For me, with my boyfriend.  The answer is yes.  We have been together for 6 months.  We see each other a good bit.. so we are very very close.  I know who he is as a person, and I care about him so deeply.  I think that at 6 months, with the amount we see each other, you know, yes or no.

He doesn't know.  He cannot use the word "love" to describe me.  He CAN NOT.  I can't help thinking... he KNOWS me.  he knows the person I am.  I am not planning on changing.  I have not lied to him about my qualities my flaws, my overall character traits.  He knows who I am.  And if he doesn't know if he loves me... time will not change that. 

He treats me with so much love, and so much respect.  He is really a great guy.  There are definitely things I don't like about him, definitely annoyances and things I wish I could change.  I consider him kind of selfish, and he has been pretty lax about exercising since we started dating.  He doesn't love my cat, and sometimes he doesn't listen to me when I talk.  So he's not perfect.  Neither am I... of course.  But over all... we fit very well together.  We have a great friendship, we trust each other, we have a good sex life, we enjoy each others company, and my friends like him.  And if I were 20... then I would let things continue to play out...  because there is plenty of time in the world.  For some reason, now that I am nearly 26... I feel like having a good relationship is not good enough.  I want love.  I LOVE him.  And I think I deserve to have love too.  I don't want to get married (been there, done that), I don't want to get engaged.  I don't want to consider moving in together for at least another 6 months... but I do want love.  And I truly believe that if it hasn't happened now, its not going to happen.

I am crushed.  I haven't allowed myself to cry yet... but I will soon I think.  I want to stay strong.  I want to stop wishing I hadn't done this.  I want to remember that I am making the right decision in the end, even if its the hardest one.  I can't stop hoping that in a week or two he will come back to me telling me that I am the love of his life... and that he is lost without me.  I need to let go of that.  There is definitely no point in holding on to hope  when it is pretty darn unrealistic.

He deserves to fall in love.  I deserve to be loved.  It sucks that its not the two of us together.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Just reminding myself that I don't need a bag of chips to feel satisfied. Skinny people don't eat chips. And neither do I.
It's the little things you don't count. Like the m&ms on the counter at work you grab. Or the candy you eat while you facebook stalk people. I had yogurt, carrots, and lean cuisine yesterday.... But then I also had popcorn mid morning that someone brought in...... The cheesy caramel kind. Yuck! And I had two Reese's candies which were put on my desk. After the gym I got moes, and took the free chips. It's the little things. That's why I need a plan.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I haven't blogged in a while. Just been reading everyone else's. This time of year is hard to make healthy eating and exercise a commitment! I've been decent ( honestly, I think I have) but the scale numbers tell a different story. I think I typically ruin all my progress from the week on the weekend... But I went to the gym 3 days during the week, and hiked/ran twice on the weekend. Pretty good for me. But the numbers don't lie. And I'm back near 150. Simple math seems impossible sometimes!

Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm starting to think this no eating thing may not be the best idea.... Or maybe just the way I'm doing it. I didn't eat at all Tuesday but a few bites here and there which I told you about. Then on Wednesday I made it til eleven before shit hit the fan. I ate cheesecake soup pizza moes and pizza rolls. I threw up the pizza rolls and woke up at a good weight but was so ashamed!! Yesterday I fasted as well but only til 7. I was still working and so I had crackers to tide me over til I finished at 9. My friend felt bad for me and brought me a box of cookies. I ate at least 5! So that has to be like 1,000 calories. I woke up at 145 and was hoping to lose more this week, but I guess I need more willpower. Today I am undecided between not eating or having soup and yogurt. Don't want my coworkers to think I have a problem. ;)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Such a terrible day.  Sometimes i take my work way too personally.  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because my weight was higher than I had hoped.  I resolved not to eat at all.  I ended up with 120 cals of coffee, 1 york peppermint patty, 1 pickle spear, and a small handful of chips. I didn't end up with a zero calorie day, but i did go to the gym and burn 350 calories.... I'm probably at zero net for the day.. and I guess I'm getting hungry, but I'm tired and stressed and I'm unhappy.... and I'm not going to let that translate into overeating.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I'm doing the intermittent fasting again this week. I accidentally told my best friend I would have dinner with her tonight. So should I do my fasts Wednesday and Friday, or somehow fast the entire day Tuesday including dinner. The only thing about that is it is two nights, so more that 24 hours. I can handle that I guess. Yesterday I ran 3 10 minute intervals. 30 minutes!! Best I've ever ever done. Sooo sore this morning. Oh and Miranda, I am jealous of you every time you post a blog entry. Just FYI :).

Thursday, December 1, 2011

So sore from the body works class tuesday morning!!  Obviously I need to step it up in the gym.  For some reason my boyfriend doesn't like weights.  I want to tell him that it shows... maybe not the best idea huh?  But he's out of town and we skyped yesterday (a great way to avoid putting food into my mouth!!), and he was in his hotel room shirtless and he doesn't look bad... hes pretty thin.  But kind of like a little kid.  Anyway.  Day 2 and 3 were very good.  Tuesday I had more than soup and orange for dinner... I kind of "binged" when i got home
Tuesday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange(250) granola bar (100) raspberries (100) hershey kisses (200) kitkat (200) almonds (85) TOTAL: still less than 1000.
Yesterday I definitely took it upon myself to eat whatever I wanted. I didn't eat the yogurt, but had a starbucks drink instead.  And with my pizza, I also had a beer.  Again with the kitkats too... I'm crazy about those!
Wednesday- breakfast: yogurt coffee and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) pizza (600) beer (130) snack: apple orange and diet soda (100) kitkat (200) dinner: powerade zero TOTAL: 1300 (not sure if it really adds up.  Just giving the total off my calorie counter)
At least yesterday I went to spin class, where I burned at LEAST 500 calories (probably more like 700), so I would say I still have a big deficit.  This morning I woke up at 145 even, but my pee is dark, so I might be a little dehydrated.  Looking forward to finishing these fasts strong and enjoying dinner tonight.
Thursday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange (250) Out with Friends to mexican (SOUP?)  TOTAL: 300
Friday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple and granola bar (200) dinner: TBD TOTAL: TBD

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Monday was a success.  I had 540 worth of calories, plus 4 peanut m+ms and 5 pita chips, which is an extra 100 calories.  So 640 calories total.  I worked until 8 so I didnt make it to the bodyworks class, so I went this morning.  I can't promise that I'll go to yoga tonight, but we'll see how I feel.
Monday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple orange and diet soda (150) dinner: powerade zero TOTAL: 540+100 = 640.  DONE
I realized that on Wednesday it is a coworker's birthday, so I'm planning on going to get pizza, and Thursday I have plans to go to dinner with friends, so I won't be eating soup.  I think both of those are reasonable, especially if I get my exercise in.
Tuesday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange(250) TOTAL: 300
Wednesday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) pizza (600) snack: apple orange and diet soda (100) dinner: powerade zero TOTAL: 890
Thursday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange (250) Out with Friends to mexican (SOUP?)  TOTAL: 300
Friday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple and granola bar (200) dinner: TBD TOTAL: TBD

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Boyfriend is out of town this week and i am COMMITTED to spending the next four days obsessed with food and exercise.  Below is what ive just come up with in the last few minutes.  I'll check back monday night and let you know how I'm doing

Here is my plan:
Monday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple orange and diet soda (150) dinner: powerade zero TOTAL: 540
Tuesday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange(250) TOTAL: 300
Wednesday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple orange and diet soda (100) dinner: powerade zero TOTAL: 540
Thursday- breakfast: coffee (50) lunch: powerade zero snack: diet soda dinner: soup and orange (250) TOTAL: 300
Friday- breakfast: yogurt and coffee (190) lunch: soup (200) snack: apple and granola bar (200) dinner: TBD TOTAL: TBD

Monday- bodyworks (350)  Tuesday- Yoga (?)  Wednesday- spin class (700) Thursday- yoga (?) Friday- rest

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Back at home from the trip to visit family and im glad!! However, it's like as soon as I come back, I'm sucked into unhealthy eating habits. I met my girlfriends to watch football and ended up drinking 500 calories worth of beer!! I went to the gym and burned 500 to even it out, but now boyfriend wants to eat pizza for dinner. :( what am I supposed to say? So hard

Thursday, November 24, 2011

One good thing about visiting my family is that my lack of food intake has returned. I find it so odd, since I have my period, but I've been eating very little (for me) all week. I've been eating when I go out with my friends, and at dinner time, but no mindless snacking. I guess because there just isn't much to snack on here. Hopefully the scale will treat me well when I get back!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I'm at the airport headed to visit my family for the week. I hope it's a pleasant trip and not nightmarish as many family occasions can be. Boyfriend got home yesterday and I leave today... We spent 15 hours together and will be separated for another week. Crazy how we won't be seeing each other hardly at all the next month. He goes out of town the week after thanksgiving for work. I guess this is really my chance to spend weekdays restricting and over exercising. Except I had that chance last week and totally blew it. I don't know why I can't do it! I wonder how much restricting I can get away with at my parents house. That was when I was best at it. I dot have a gym membership at my parents house although my mother does and I wonder If I could go using hers. If not, we have a bow flex which might suffice. Agh. This better turn out oj

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Boyfriend has been gone all week and I haven't even fasted once!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I've been looking through thinspo feeling bad bout myself and resolved to make some changes. Do you ever have the dilemma where you don't want to eat, but you don't want delicious food to go bad? I know that you can always buy more... So I don't know why I'm worried. Oh, and I weighed. 148. Fml

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I am seriously afraid to weigh in. I feel far and bloated and out of control. If I weigh in at more than 150 I'll cry. I have been crying recently... Probably just stress... I just don't want to stress about fat too. Boyfriend is out of town all week which I think means healthy eating and lots of exercise... But then I got a cold and had to skip the gym yesterday.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Back in Atlanta and ready to kick some serious calorie counting butt!  I've been listening to this hypnosis for weight loss app while I sleep.  Not sure how well it works... because I always fall asleep!  But I figure it is worth a try.  I weighed in at 147.7 this morning.  A little high if you ask me, since I've been dieting for a month and only lost 2.3 pounds.  I have a date tomorrow morning with my boy to go running in the morning before work.  Today I have to take some kids who are interviewing at my firm out to lunch, and then I am going on a double date for dinner.  I'll be deciding between margherita flat bread, fish tacos, or grilled chicken salad.  Obviously we all know what the best choice is there.  Its just the idea of eating a salad at a nice restaurant you've never been to.  Of course.. why would I eat tacos at a restaurant either?!

Monday, November 7, 2011

I am so lame. All my coworkers went out drinking... Even the lame ones. I don't want to drink. I can't stop thinking about the calories. Salad for lunch, vegetables for dinner... But sadly lots of snacking. So much networking here. They want us to drink. I got 3 separate drinks, all of which I drank less than half. I should count my calories. Surely I'm over. Purged my veggies bc there was dessert afterwards. Ugh. Boyfriend wants to get me pizza on the way home. So much for skinny
I'm in Chicago for work. Yes, I did eat deep dish last night. What can I say.... I plan on being good the rest of the trip as I'm stuck In a lecture hall. Had a great weekend calorie wise with deficits Friday and Saturday!!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

gym on friday, saturday, and a 5 mile walk tonight to help make the weekend festivities do less damage.  Friday night was a chinese and wine night bitching about boyfriends, saturday was a big halloween party, and today was a date with the boyfriend with pizza for lunch, and then dinner with a girlfriend who made chicken tacos.
I don't know that I had a deficit any of the days this weekend, but I did much better than last weekend, for sure.  Saturday night was a huge crazy party and I was good with the alcohol intake.  I was definitely the most sober one in our group, and ended up taking care of two blackout friends.  Gotta love those nights.  Honestly... I think we're a little too old to be having those nights in the first place.
I bought breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire week.  Yogurt and Cereal for breakfast, Soup for lunch, and high protein pancakes (egg white, rolled oats, and cottage cheese).  I have the gym on my calendar for Monday and Wednesday for sure... and at this point I know I'm going to a movie Tuesday night, so that may need to be my day off.  I'll make sure I update my weight sometime soon.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Boyfriend and I talked last night. He threw a huge curve ball at me and told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. What kind of terrible person tells you they love you if they don't!? We said it early. He said it first... I guess I'm his first serious relationship in years and he probably has new feelings he's confused about. Still. You don't say it til you KNOW. I want to break up with him. How do you stay with someone wondering if they love you? It's different if you never brought it up... But it's not like I can take it back. So am I stuck wondering if he sees a future with me? Waiting around until he decides? Or do I try to move on? If we had never said it in the first place things would be fine. When that hit the fan, we didn't even have a chance to talk about me feeling unspecial. I guess I assume he will feel bad enough about this to put forth a bit more effort.
The sadness is helping my diet. And I went spinning yesterday to burn off 620 calories and skipped dinner. I guess I need to take care of myself if I don't have someone else to take care of me

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I am sad. I have been dating the same guy seriously for 3.5 months. It's not like the others... He is someone I want to be with. Someone I love. He worked so hard to get me to go out with him. He asked me for at least 3 months before I said yes. Now I love him. Really love him... And things have changed. He's basically given up on trying to make me happy. It's almost like he knows he has me and so he doesn't have to try anymore. I brought it up tonight after thinking about it for a while. I had to say something or I would have just kept getting worse. I told him that I felt like he didn't cherish me. I told him that it felt like he didn't love me and wished he could take back saying it. That his sister was the most important woman in his life and any idea she had was awesome but any idea I had wasn't even worth acknowledging. I'm just so sad to think about how the person I love disappeared and in stuck with someone who doesn't listen or respect my opinion. Maybe I'm pmsing. Maybe he is bad at expressing his feelings. Maybe we were in love in the heat of it but we aren't truly made for each other. I guess time will tell. I deserve to be cherished.

Monday, October 24, 2011

1200 calorie intake today- coffee, chicken breast, okra (fried), tortilla chips, chicken soup, fish taco, avocado
2100 calorie output today- 1 hour of weight training class burned an extra 400 calories.  Not terrible.  Wish I hadn't gotten the fish taco and just had the soup.
Tomorrow I have to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant for a work event.  I hope we don't have a fixed menu.  I always feel like the salads at nice restaurants are packed with calories.  They always have bacon, or candied walnuts, or ridiculous ranch dressing.  And its always sort of awkward to be the person who orders a 7 dollar salad when everyone else orders a 28 dollar steak.  Oh well.  I'm going to ask for a dinner size garden salad with shrimp and my dressing on the side.  Who cares what other people think.
Basically starting my diet over... I ruined it and it's not acceptable. But I did realize that my boyfriend basically condones not eating as a way of life.... Hmmm

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Yesterday I went to the mall after work. I planned to eat nothing. Not only did the sales person put the wrong boots in my bag, but I ended up gorging on Chinese food. Embarrassed to say I purged it when I got home. I thought I was over that... Seriously. I just felt so disgusting and my calories are too high as it is. I'm liquid fasting all day today. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I just ate 500 calories worth of chocolate. That is so disgusting. I'm at 1000 calories for the day and it's only 1pm. What am I going to do!?

I can handle this.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I seriously cannot control myself on the weekends. I wouldn't say I did bad but I drank a lot and thats enough calories to ruin any good diet plan. Today I'm having cereal for breakfast, yogurt and oatmeal for lunch, and I haven't given thought to dinner.... But something that keeps me below 1050 calories. I have a late meeting so no gym

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

lack of food went really well yesterday!!  I think i did a good job of making up for all those rouge calories this weekend!  I had a misto (100 cals), and a glass of wine (200 cals).    I made soup and let it cook over night so I'm looking forward to eating that.  I dont plan on breaking my fast until lunch today.  My boss is taking me out for pizza.  So this morning I'm just having coffee, and after pizza I plan on eating a lot of raspberries (they were on sale).  I really wish that I could get this weight under control.

Monday, October 10, 2011

grrrrr.  this weekend i was not good to my body.  friday i went to my boyfriend's parent house for tacos and margaritas.  I did my best not to over eat.  I think I already posted that I calculated an overage but at least it was small.  Saturday I can't even tell you what i did to myself.  SOOO much alcohol.  Pizza, and cheese dip.  It was not good.  And sunday I had plans not to eat at all.... but that didn't happen.  I was hung over and needed food.  A huge frappucino, pretzels, a quesadilla and tortilla chips, and a half a bag of sour gummy worms.  I don't think that the calories were TOOOOO much yesterday.  But still.  Yuck.   I feel like I undid all my hard work.  I dont even know how to count this weekend.  Ugh.

Anyway.  I have to kick it into high gear this week.
Breakfast- Oatmeal
Lunch- Vegetables and Soup
Dinner- Cereal
Snacks- No thank you.

Edit.  I changed my mind.  I will not be eating today at all.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

during the week was so easy!!! but come friday and alcohol... and i went over my budget by 142... so now between today and sunday, I need a total of 1100 calorie deficit.  I mean... its doable... if I wasn't going out tonight in my college town.  The entire point of us being there is to eat good food and drink good alcohol and relive college days... Ugh, I'm screwed.
I'm going to go to the gym right now to at least get a head start on it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

So its day 3 and so far it has been a success!  Only..... 88 more days to go? hahaha.  Crazy to think that the new year will be here before you know it.  So I've devised a plan that will require me counting calories every day... which we know I'm not great at.  Every day for 3 months.  And it requires me to have a 4500 calorie deficit each week.  How I want to accomplish that is up to me.  Yesterday I was at a deficit of 801, and the day before 691.  So I probably need to average about 600 deficit for the remaining 5 days this week.  I CAN do this.  It takes preplanning.  And the GYM.  For instance.  Tonight the boyfriend gets back in town and I want to have pizza with him.  I feel like that's acceptable as long as I am able to make it to spin class after work and keep my calories to a minimum before dinner.  It looks like I'm looking at about 300 calories a slice x 2 = 600 calories for dinner... and without exercise I can eat about 1050 calories a day to stay under budget.  So... 450 calories left in the day sounds hard, but definitely doable.  I will have oatmeal for breakfast, and an apple for snack, and a granola bar.  That should be plenty to get me through the day.  Ahhhhh hard.  Saturday I'm going to my college town to relive being young and drunk.  I plan on drinking a healthy amount.  I'm going to need to do some planning surrounding that night too.  Well yay, I'm glad I worked this out and have a plan.  It makes me feel better.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

i have my period :(  i hate hate hate hate hate this feeling.  hey, at least i'm not pregnant, right?
SO.... remember how I've been super whiney about my boyfriend not loving me anymore?  Obviously all in my head.... look at what he bought me--- JUST BECAUSE!  I guess I can't expect to have a guy who shows his love in the way a female shows her love... but this is pretty darn good.  He is out of town this week, so I'm taking advantage of that with my eating.  Yesterday, I ate very healthy except for a few twizzlers, and went to cycle class.  I ended up at a 1,000 deficit.  I'm considering doing only fruits and vegetables today + liquids.  I think that sounds like a good idea.  I have lots of veggies that I need to eat, and I missed the gym today because I stayed up too late.
My weight isnt going down just yet... but maybe that has to do with the period.  My goal by the end of December is 134 lbs.
Last time I weighed myself, I was 150.  That is 16 lbs. 3 months.  5 lbs a month.  Doable?  Maybe if I take it seriously this time....

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I am definitely doing better.  I am down 2 lbs and have gone to the gym pretty consistently since my last post.  I had my brother in town this weekend which meant lots of entertaining and lots of drinking/great food... but I tried to balance it out, and since Sunday I've done my best to only put healthy things in my body!

I am having an emotional breakdown, which is never fun.  For some reason I can't seem to shake the feeling that my boyfriend doesn't love me any more.  I have absolutely no basis for these thoughts... except for the fact that he doesn't say "I love you", only "I love you too."  And that is typical male, nothing to do with me.  Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much I tell myself I'm being irrational, I'm still feeling this way.  Maybe I need my meds adjusted.

Boyfriend is also on a diet, which is more motivation for me to get skinny.  He had lost a lot of weight right before we started dating and has slowly been putting it back on.  We eat out all the time, and get frozen yogurt, and drink a bottle of wine in a sitting, etc.  This morning we were supposed to go to the gym together but the Braves were playing a big game and he wanted to stay up and watch it and by the time we got to bed and actually fell asleep, it was 1 am.

I'm trying to work on balancing out all the good stuff I'm doing with a little bit of bad stuff so I don't go crazy.  For instance, I'm considering going to the food trucks today at lunch to get a fish taco.  They are absolutely delicious, and probably pretty bad for you.  Honestly though, I'm not sure that's worth it to me right now.  Boyfriend and I are going on a double date tomorrow where there will be alcohol and dessert abound. 
I will eat a power bar for breakfast, a lean cuisine for lunch, and I'm going to someone's house for RoshHashana tonight.... where I intend to be good.

Everyone have a good day!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I have been MIA forever!!!  I've been reading pretty regularly, but no comments.  I like reading my new blogs, but I do I miss the old people.  I wonder if they've become like me?  Too consumed with life to write about their constant fears... or just giving up because it hasn't worked yet?

Most of you know that I am a CPA and work ridiculous hours most times of year.  I just finished a "busy season" ending September 15th... a month and a half where i did not see the inside of a gym.  We literally worked 12-15 hour days.  Sitting constantly.  THAT is my life.  It wasnt like my other busy season I've told you about, where I dont eat all day because I'm sitting all day at a client.  When I'm in the office, there is food everywhere.  Candy, catered lunches, bagels and donuts for breakfast.  It's insane.  Mind you, I only gained 3.5 pounds.  I call that a win..  because it is losable.  And my boyfriend and I are on a health streak to get the weight off.  I went to the gym Sunday and Monday, and I intend to keep it up.  I don't like the flabby untoned look I'm rocking right now.  I also want to do some eat-stop-eat work... but it can be difficult to fit that in.  I definitely can't fast today because I have a coworker in from out of town and am doing lunch with work people and dinner with her boyfriend.  Tomorrow I have dinner plans but could potentially fast until then.  I bought a lot of healthy foods this weekend- carrots, pears, turkey breast, whole wheat sandwich thins, hummus, whole grain cereal.  I need to EAT it, instead of letting it go to waste because I eat candy all day then feel bad.

Ahh well, I'll try to keep updating.  Good luck to me!!

Friday, August 12, 2011

I added a banner to the right of the blog for swag bucks... basically free money for searching the web.  I know i can spend an enormous amount of time looking for thinspo... might as well get paid for it!  click the banner to start... you can also download a toolbar with a search bar in it so its super easy to earn points.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

i managed a 24 hour fast yesterday... and dinner was about 400 calories, so thats not bad for the day!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

 I've always considered myself someone who "can't do ______."  I like... put a label on myself and then immediately give up.  I can't be a runner, I can't be a faster, I cant be thin... etc.  I think it gives myself a reason to give up... or not even start in the first place.  This is a mentality a lot of people have when it comes to diet and exercise.  We put ourselves in a box because results don't come easy... and then we don't even try.  I am determined not to let that be me.  Results ARE hard to come by, because they require REAL work.  I've always thought to myself "Oh, I should start doing X, because then I will get to point Y" when in reality I actually need to START doing X to get to Y, not just thing about it.

Harlow got me into some health and fitness blogs (I don't keep up as much as I should), and one of the guys is a big proponent of intermittent fasting.  His program is called Eat Stop Eat...I've tried it a few times... its pretty hard for me.... and while I've completed it, I've said to myself "oh, well i did it once, so that's pretty good."  But we all know good things don't come easy.  You can't go to the gym ONCE and see results.  So... with all that being said, I am going to do this today, and I am going to look at my calendar and pick out 4-6 more days this month and report back

Monday, August 8, 2011

being all lovey dovey with someone is awesome.  it definitely has its good points.  but it wreaks havoc on the waistline.  i spent all of saturday and half of sunday with my new man.  Guess who didn't exercise at all this weekend.  luckily he eats pretty healthy, so its not like we're shoveling down nachos and beer all the time.... but he does take me out to eat a lot, and he does like wine, which isn't exactly low in calories.

i have a busy week at work so I'm not sure how much exercising I'll really be able to do.  I plan to go to a weight training class tomorrow morning, and i always have my packed gym bag in my car just in case.  What i really need to do is watch my eating.  I bought a lot of fruit yesterday so I need to make an effort to snack on that instead of candy/chips/etc.  I also made hummus last night.  YUM.  It is so cheap..  I don't think i could ever pay for sabra again.  Hummus is decently healthy for you... but not in large doses.  I don't need to be eating an entire can of chic peas all in one sitting.

today.... breakfast: coffee, peach, oatmeal.  lunch: salad (going out to lunch).  dinner: carrots & hummus, klondike bar.

Monday, August 1, 2011

i dont really know what to write about.  i've been so MIA because i havent been caring much about my eating. i think about food all the time... and obviously the ritalin is supposed to slow down my appetite and i've noticed that.... but it is almost like taking it has given me the right to eat more than i should... how does that work?
i've been dating someone semi seriously for about a month.  i don't think that helps either because he takes me out to dinner a few times a week... and he loves wine so we've been drinking a lot.  he is pretty healthy, so at least i don't have to worry about burgers and fries type places.
one thing i have noticed since i've been dating him is my lack of exercise.  i guess thats what happens in a new relationship.... i have been choosing to see him on my free weeknight instead of hit the gym.  my body feels awful, so something has to give.  i don't want my  muscles to atrophy while i fall in love!!  he likes to run but i'm a little afraid to go with him as i don't think i could keep up.

food wise...i was thinking today i would have a starbucks for breakfast, a small salad for lunch, a granola bar for snack, and a slice of left over pizza for dinner.  i kind of want to avoid the pizza all together, but i have 2 slices in my fridge... and i'm of the mentality that i "cant let it go bad"

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

i was going to write a nice little blog post but instead i got sucked into words with friends.  has anyone ever played that??  i have like 17 games going at once.  anyway... quick update.  did i tell you i worked an 82 hour week?  how is that possible, you ask?  it is not... but with the help of Mr. Ritalin, i did it.  somehow.  and i didn't cry, which is pretty much amazing.  i'm obviously slacking on exercise, due to said workload... but i think i'm on the right track.  i am currently at 143.  i am hoping to lose 9 lbs by September 15th, the end of busy season.  usually people gain weight during busy season, but I am determined to lose it!  the calorie counter says i shouldn't get to that low until October 2nd.  i guess that would be fine too... but I'm going to try.  i need to make it a priority to exercise regularly during this time of year.  that can be hard.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I had planned to do a fast 5 when i got home yesterday and all of today, in preparation for my date tonight.. but after work I went to the gym and hopped on the treadmill  I ran for 27 minutes... pretty slow, but at least I did it.  When I got home, I don't know why I ate.  At least I ate healthy... pita chips and hummus.  Well... sort of healthy!!  So now I'm torn between not even doing the Fast 5 today. Hmm not sure.

I got a prescription for ritalin yesterday.  Does anyone know much about this?  It's extended release, so I heard its not great for "loss of appetite" side effects... Although I really need it to work, so that would just be an added bonus

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

i finished the 10k!!  My body is not happy with me today.  And I'll definitely be wearing flats this week at work.  Wow I am proud of myself for finishing!!!  I made it in an hour and a half, which is not fast at all... but given that there were 60,000 people there, when we did walk, we were walking pretty slow!  I need to keep up the running training, but I'm also excited to get to use the elliptical again.  Not even sure when the last time I hopped on that machine... if I'm doing cardio... I'm running!!  I have many months of magazines waiting for me!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Meal Plan for this week

Monday July 4


Banana 100

Protein Bar 220

Willlys 526

Chewy Bar 90

Bagel Thin 110

Cream Cheese 60

Total 1106

Tuesday July 5


Slimfast 190

Subway 300

Strawberries 100

Hummus 200

Pita Chips 200

Total 990

Wednesday July 6


Smoothie 200

Lean Cuisine 300

Carrots 100

Apple 90

Glass of Wine 150

Bagel Thin 110

Cream Cheese 60

Total 1010

Thursday July 7


Slimfast 190

Trail Mix 240

Apple 90

Green Giant 150

Chewy Bar 90
No Dinner

Total 760

Friday July 8


Coffee 120

Out 1000

Total 1120
I'm feeling hugely fat.  Today I went into work wearing shorts and a tank top, and I walked towards a full length mirror in the bathroom.  My thighs jiggled as I walked, and it looked like fat/cellulite shaking.  It made me so sick.  Of course when I came home.. I ate M&Ms after getting a bagel topped with cheddar cheese.  I need to get this under control.  I have my 10k tomorrow.. so I need to make sure I eat normally today, but after that, I'm not going to ruin my young life being fat and ugly.  I am going to make a week long meal plan to make sure I keep track of calories... starting tomorrow.

Friday, June 24, 2011

I'm around.  I'm just stressed... and blogging would probably help... but oh well.  I'm still reading.  Love you all

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I am reading your blogs.. sorry I haven't wanted to write anything.  Just wanted to let you know I'm still around

Saturday, June 4, 2011

I totally suck at sticking with my plan. I had to go to lunch yesterday with my boss and I cOuld have gotten a salad but instead I opted for a chicken panini. I ate half of it and put my chips in the community snack drawer and continued with my fasting until I got home. If i Hadn't eaten anything in the first place I would have kept up the will power, but when I got home I had to eat the rest of that sandwich. I had popcorn at the movies like planned, but with no butter! I have a date tonight and he is taking me to Mexican. I'm planning to eat only a granola bar before. I'm sitting in a defensive driving class all day so since I can't get any exercise I figure I should probably try not to stuff my face.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I'm not sure if I've shared with you my irrational fear of change.  Like.. I moved, and I continued to go to my old grocery store on the other side of town because I knew where everything was and it was comfortable.  I had to psych myself up to go to a) even fill out the gym membership, and b) try the gym closer to my work since I had never been there.  I remember having to walk behind someone slowly to make sure I could see what we were supposed to do... where to scan our card, where the locker rooms were.  It gives me anxiety, seriously!  Anyway, there is a gym that is SUPER nice near my work.  I've always had access to it but I've never gone because I was afraid.  Maybe it is fear of losing control.  So I wanted to run after work today and I went to my normal gym and as soon as I walked in I realized that they apparently don't know how to use the air conditioner.  It was 75 degrees!  Might as well just run outside!  I wanted to actually finish my run... and I didnt want anything stopping me, so I left and decided to go to another gym.  In some split second decision, I had decided to go to the one I'd never been to.  It was super scary... but I called a friend who had been there and she basically walked me through where to park, how to get tickets stamped, etc.  The equipment had TVs on all the machines... it made my day!  My run was much easier than normal as I was able to tune out the monotony!  I should have run for 28 minutes, but ended up doing 25.  Thats okay, 3 minutes is nothing, and I'll pick it up next run.

Food wise... I didn't have my slimfast or my pear, but I did eat trail mix when I got home from work.. so I probably evened out on the calories for the day.

Today- fasting until dinner... which I am hoping is popcorn at the movies and not something real.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Yesterday did not go as planned.  Crisis in the office, as always, and so when there was cake in the breakroom I jumped for it like a starved child.  At least it was a pretty small piece.  Probably an extra 300 calories.  And I was supposed to go to the gym, but work kept me at the office until 8:15, so I snacked on almonds til I went over to my friends place for pizza.  I ate 3 slices... not huge pieces, and they were on wheat dough, but I also had a glass of wine so I don't even want to know what the damage was there.  I'm on my period... is that an excuse?  NO

Breakfast- 190

Snack- 60
Blow Pop

Lunch- 300
Lean Cusine

Snack- 100

Veggie Burger

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Yesterday's meal plan was pretty darn close... except I had a JavaChip Frappucino light for lunch instead of the salad.  Probably the same number of calories, so I'm not worried about it.  The date went well.  It was our 2nd.  He didn't kiss me at the valet because it was super awkward, so when I got home I texted him to say "I really want to kiss you" because I am bold like that... and next thing I know he's calling me and he is in front of my house taking the "scenic route" home and stopping by for our first kiss.  It was very very cute.
Anyway.. needless to say I didn't have time to go to the gym, but I will today!!!  There is either a spin class at 645 which I love, or I could run, which I need to do.  I need to start running outside but its too hot in the south!!
Breakfast: 190

Snack: 200
Trail Mix

Lunch: 500
Lean Pocket

Snack: 50

Dinner: 300
Homemade pizza (I promise to only eat a little!!)

Total: 1240

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Good morning!  I hope everyone had a memorial day weekend safe from barbeques and pasta salad and alcohol!  I did pretty well.  I had a date on Saturday for pizza (2 slices) and went to Mexican on Sunday (1/2 pitcher of Margs).  I got in a good amount of exercise though, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Yesterday.  Pretty good :).  Anyway... I'm here to make a meal plan.  To write it down.  If you just *THINK* about it, it doesn't work.  Best to put pen to paper (or nails to keyboard).

Breakfast- 250
Coffee with Creamer
3/4 c. Kashi Cereal with 1/2 1% milk (they were out of skim)

Snack- 100

Lunch- 200
Salad with a bit of dressing and some chicken

Snack- 200
1/2 c. Trail Mix (dried fruit and nuts)

Dinner- 300
Pasta on a date

Total: 1050

Friday, May 27, 2011

Have i filled you in on my running in a while?  I did... i told you I took that week off.  Well I'm back at it, and I'm running 25 minutes right now.  When I say running.. I don't mean 8 minute miles... or 10 minute miles!  More like 12 minute miles... so I'm running about 2 miles during my run.  A vast improvement from the 90 seconds at a time I was able to run before.  And I am THINNNNNNN.  I don't know why.  It's got to be the running.  My hips have totally slimmed out.  I mean... thin for me.  I'm still above 140.  143 this morning actually... but its a noticeable difference with how my clothes are fitting/not fitting.  The jeans I am wearing right now are comfortably fitting and when I bought them I had to hang them up for motivation to be able to fit into them.  That is a great feeling.  Harlow... I still don't love it.  But I definitely don't hate it anymore :)
I've also gotten rid of the men in my life.  They were causing stress, and although I really liked them.. I just don't need to be stressed.  I want to fall in love and live happily ever after.. but I have time.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

a) I need to delete that side bar about my deficit challenge because its just depressing.  I obviously didn't end up doing it.... and I won't be 125 by June.
b) I haven't heard from the doctor yet, and I've been hesitant to post on another topic... I don't know why.  I hate not having control.
c) speaking of not having control, one of my brothers just failed his first year of college, and has moved back in with my parents.  They set some ground rules like he needs to get a job if he wants to live there... but he basically refused.  When they told him to leave, he apparently jumped off the roof of my house after taking tons of asprin or something.  How sad... and what an obvious cry for help.  He is in the hospital for some mental evaluations, and I hope he gets the help he needs.  I hate that I can't do anything.  I wish I could just say "get a job" or "freaking do your homework you idiot"... but he isn't me.  Obviously that is not something that works for him.
d) My love life, my work life, and my home life (above), have been stressful and hectic.  I have been turning to exercise of a way of coping.  Not to mention I ate an entire bag of chips ahoy cookies in 2 days... how's that for coping?!  I have the insane urge to exercise ALL the time.  Maybe to gain back some control?  After the 5k I took a week off of running... it was all I was doing, and the only exercises I was getting, so instead I did a weight class, spin class, and yoga.  It was definitely nice.  This week I'm back to running but I am also taking the time to do weights and yoga and spin. 

In my couch to 5k, I am repeating week 6 which is what I ran the week of the 5k, because I didn't finish it all, and its the last week before things get super super tough.  I have 1 run left... 25 minutes straight, and then after that weeks 7-9 are straight running 25, 28, and 30.  Since I run slow I guess 30 minutes won't technically be 3 miles, but since I'm ultimately training for a 10k, I feel like as my length increases, running shorter distances will be easier and I will be able to do it faster.  Last night I worked out with weights in the morning, and I just HAD to get in my run (10 minutes running 3 walking 10 running).  I was supposed to do it Monday and got halfway through then got the call from my family about my brother and needed to stop.  So, it was 2 workouts on Tuesday to keep up!

For me right now, its mind over matter.  The 10 minutes, break, 10 minutes last night was killer.  Not for my body, but for my mind, which kept telling me "you need to stop, this is too hard, you need water."  I kept counting down the minutes, moving my towel over to see the time left.  How do I avoid this?  How can I train my mind to be somewhere else while my body works?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

A few weeks ago I wrote you from the doctors office excited to tell you how I was below 140. Today I am back, weighing about 145, and with a lot on my mind. Abnormal pap. I don't even know what that means. I'm scared, sick to my stomach, worried about the impending biopsy and how (if at all) this will change my future.
I realize that the worst thing I can do is focus on the worst case scenario, but I find it very hard not to jump to "cancer" as the source of this issue. Honestly, I come every year. If I DO have cancer, I doubt that it would be at a stage that wasn't managable. Whatever is wrong can be fixed. Logically, I know, but it doesn't stop me from jumping to the worst conclusions.
Im going in. Wish me luck!

Monday, May 9, 2011

I ran my first 5k this weekend in Atlanta.  I almost can't believe that I actually did it.  It definitely seems surreal that 7 week ago I was running 1 minute intervals because that is all I can do, and on Sunday I ran (most of) a 5k.  I wore a watch and completed the race in a little over 36 minutes.  That is less than a 12 minute mile... which, for most isn't impressive... but for ME, considering I walked much of the uphills... I just am thrilled.  I ran by myself, which wasn't really the plan, but it was nice.  My adrenaline was still pumping and I got to do a lot of thinking about the things that bother me... weight, male companions, work.  After the race I thought "well, I'm already sweaty and tired, so I might as well go to the gym and do weights."  I worked my legs to death, and did a little bit of chest.  On Sunday I took a yoga class, and had a 20 minute walk in my neighborhood.  I'm feeling exhausted this morning and not looking forward to work... but oh well.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Quick update:

well, i'm back above 140.  I'm not surprised.  I didn't binge on the cruise, but I wasn't exercising every day, and I wasn't eating as healthily as I could have been (read: frozen yogurt in abundance).  I've been keeping up with my running and am happy to say that I've completed all runs without fail... stopping for 15 seconds here or there to catch my breath and have some water, but I don't really count that.  I just finished the first run of week six-- an interval run totaling 18 minutes.  I had run for 20 minute straight on Saturday, so I knew I could do it, which makes it a lot easier.  The end of this week is 25 minutes straight.  Eeek.  I'm seeing the guy I work with still, and as we get closer, I'm finding less and less time to exercise... and more and more reasons to eat.  This weekend he brought 2 dozen donuts into this house.  I ate 2 that day... he ate 6.  How does that work!?  I think I have a marginally better body than he does... but really just my stomach.  His isn't big, and if he exercised or ate healthy for like 3 minutes, he would be rock hard.... but instead he has the luxury of eating donuts whenever he wants.

I think I need to bump up my cardio a little bit... all I've been doing is running, which is great, but it doesn't fulfill me like spin class does.  I guess I feel exhausted after a run that I am really just thinking about resting until my next run.    Yesterday I did my run and then went to a weight class... OUCH.  The warm up was probably the hardest part.. she had everyone jumping up and down  and I was already sweating bullets.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

returning from vacation and seeing some supportive comments was wonderful!!!  The cruise was very nice.  I was with my mother.... and we don't have the best relationship (because she is an annoying psychopath), but we managed pretty well.  I was still not drinking for lent during the cruise so I didn't have a drink until the last day we were there... and I'm glad.  It may not have been as much "fun" but it was much more relaxing, and saved me plenty of calories that I spend on food (sadly).  I weighed myself when I got home the morning after a large dinner and I'm up to 144.  Not exactly thrilled about it, but I'm also not surprised.  I only ran 1 day during the cruise, and I made up the other run Monday when I got back to land.  This morning I ran 2 sets of 8 minutes.  I stopped for 30 seconds half way through each run to catch my breath.... probably not what I'm meant to do.  On Friday or Saturday, I have to run 20 minutes!!! STRAIGHT! AHHHHH.  I need to get out of the habit of saying "have to" and "need to."  I WANT to do this.  I WANT to be able to run a 5k, and eventually be able to run a 10k... and just think... I never thought I could run for 8 minutes straight in my life, and now I can.  And hopefully soon 20 minutes will seem like a breeze.

Lots to catch up on at work.... seems like it's never ending.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

ya'll would be so proud of me... I went tonight to the gym... and ran my miles :)  so technically, i did 1.5X my total run... 26 minutes!  pretty awesome!!!

It's a learning process...

Things I learned today.

My body will not let me run if I have a) gotten less than 6 hours of sleep and b) fasted for 2 days beforehand.

I am home on my couch, thoroughly defeated... and feeling very shitty.  But, like I said.  it's a learning process.  I got through my first 3 minute run, and my first 5 minute run, and then I hit the bathroom.  I hadn't gone because of the juice so I guess the movement helped me... move.  And you know when you sit down after working out hard and not cooling down?  You get all hot and sweaty and have (personally) a pounding headache.  I got back on the treadmill determined to finish, but I only made it 2 minutes into my 3rd run before I decided it wasn't for me.  I had a Seder last night (Jewish passover dinner) where I ate some extremely delicious (and non-running worthy) food, then came home and talked to my Colorado boy til after midnight. 
I am determined to finish this series this week and stay on track... so what I may have to do is run Thursday and Friday on my cruise to get both runs in.  Then Sunday I'll start week 5.  The little podcast says you must skip days while training... but what are your thoughts about that?  I'm not entirely out of shape... so the only thing I really would worry about is not giving my knees a break.  I guess TECHNICALLY, I could run thursday and saturday, then do my Week 5 run on Monday.  But our boat docks on Monday at 11am.  I guess I'll just have to see.  I'm very disappointed in myself.  I guess now I know!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Ummm I am 138. I have about 4 hours left in my juice fast befor I eat... Obviously I am insanely thrilled. I made 2 gallons of this juice stuff but I only manages to get through one. Maybe it's because I started At noon on Sunday and didn't really feel the need to eat for most of the day so I only got through a little juice.

Later.... When I was at the doctor this morning I weighed in at 139. The nurse said I was 11 lbs down since last April. Pretty awesome. That is measurable progress. A lot of my pants dont fit me anymore and I went shopping this weekend and bought a size 2 dress- not all that impressive considering it was Macy's Womens section. But when I went to old navy I picked up some size 6 khakis. They were a little big when I tried them on but I just dOnt FEEL like a 4. Big mistake because today they are swimming on me. Oh well... They were on sale. I ate salad and curried rice for lunch as well as carrot and a granola bar and sone oatmeal later in the day. When i got home from work I was 139.6. Still under my goal, so I'm not complaining. I know a lot of the loss was water weight.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ouch!  I was wrong... the run was 16 minutes... not 11!  When the woman on my podcast said "and you just have 1 5 minute run left" I about died... BUT I made it.  I am running slow... but I'm running.. and I can't believe that in 3 weeks I've doubled my time.

I made my disgusting looking juice... and I've let me friends know what I'm doing.  I don't really care if they think I'm a crazy person.  I am a crazy person....

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Finished week 3!!  Week 4 starts tomorrow.  Run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 5 minutes, walk 2.5 minutes, run 3 minutes, cool down.

I can't believe I can do this!!!  I'm leaving for my cruise on Thursday, but I will continue to run... Friday and Sunday are the days I regularly run...Sunday I'll be into week 5, which seems super hard... but I'm not going to think about it just yet!

I'm trying to get under 140 for the cruise... so I'm doing a juice fast half of sunday, all of monday, and half of tuesday.  I've bought all my juice, just need to actually make the stuff!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Running week 3:

90 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking, 3 minutes of running, 3 minutes of walking. x 2.

It really isn't that hard.  I've completed 1 of 3 days.  Obviously I'm gaining endurance... but I've also cut my pace down.  After my 3rd run of week 2, I couldn't freaking walk the next day.  Not like the sore pain, but the pain pain... lower inside knees.  Is it because I am weak kneed? Or is it my shoes (I have new ones... I'm pretty sure they are cross trainers but I'm not positive)?  Do I not stretch enough?  The first 90 seconds of the run yesterday hurt, but after that I just had a dull ache.  This morning during  my weight work out I had no trouble doing squats, but a hard time straightening my legs all the way to stretch... weird?  I'm not sure what it is... and since I'm not a regular runner everything feels weird.

I'm weighing in at 141.2 this morning with my period... so I think I have a good chance of making it to 139 by the 21st.  Especially being on the "My Client Sucks" Diet.  Let me tell you how it works.  You worked so late the night before you sleep in or go to the gym in the morning and don't have time to make breakfast so you run to starbucks on your way to work and grab a Venti misto and a tasty treat (400 calories total).  You sit in the same chair for 12-15 hours, getting up to go to the bathroom and the printer.  You aren't in your office, you're at the client, so there isn't coworker's food to nibble on, just what you brought.  And since you were running late, you brought a frozen meal and an apple (400 calories total).  By the time you get home after 9 pm, you're too tired to drink, too tired to cook, and you resort to rice cakes with salsa on top, or a banana (100 calories).  Then you go to bed so you can wake up for the gym in the morning.  Voila... you have burned roughly 2000 calories, and eaten 900.  No wonder I'm not gaining weight eating doughnuts for breakfast every day.  Honestly though.. that should stop.

Hopefully everyone filed their taxes.. I owe my state $18.. so I'm putting it off until the deadline.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

nothing new to report.  Week 2 of my running program... doing ok!!! I have plans to run again tomorrow morning.  I've been going to the gym with a friend and that makes it a lot easier.  When I go alone, I tend to run slower, breathe harder.  And I listen to this podcast that tells me when to run and walk.. I think she doesn't do a very good job of keeping the time.  I assume when she's talking that doesn't count as time... so I'm probably walking a lot more.

Gosh I just don't have the energy to continue this post... I need to get ready for work :(

Have a good day ladies

Monday, April 4, 2011

ok quick update.

Good news:  I've been keeping up with the running.  Shocker, I know.  I've finished the 1st run in "week 2".  I mean, when I read Harlow's blog about how she runs 14 miles at a time, my nine minutes seems a little weak, but hey, everyone has to start somewhere right?  I am determined to keep this up.  I don't think my partner will.. but she is a few weeks ahead of me so I guess if she falls behind then that wont be so bad.  She needs this WAY more than I do.  A big girl.... but hey, if she can run more than me, then she must be doing something right!
More good news:  I had gained a bit of weight at the end of busy season, but I've finally lost it.  This morning I weighed in at 142.2.  I want to be 139 by the cruise on April 21st.  I think I can do it... if I actually stick to exercise and eating right. NO MORE HOT CHOCOLATE!
Boy news (good or bad):  Boy number 1 is SUPPPERRRR hot.  Too bad we work together... and so we're not telling anyone we work with.  And then when we were at a work event at a bar he got drunk and somehow got it into his head that I slept with a stripper.  I didn't.  But he was SOOOO angry that the entire night I had to watch him dance with another coworker... like grinding and all that.  It was super immature of him. But I wasn't drinking so I handled it well I guess.  And 2 other coworkers asked for my numbers... so at least I know there is nothing wrong with me.  To clarify... as an accountant, you are either Audit or Tax.  I am Tax.  The guys I am talking about work in Auditing.  So they are my "coworkers" but we NEVER see each other, we occasionally have the same clients and have to chat about it, but its rare..  so not really any worries there about interoffice interference.
 Anyway... Boy 1 doesn't want a relationship... just sex.  But the kind of sex where we still go on dates, cook breakfast together, and talk on the phone.  So I don't really know what that means.  A little confused actually.  And I want to be a needy girl and say that's not okay with me.. But the truth is that if he wanted to be my boyfriend, then I couldnt talk to boy (man) number 2, and I probably wouldn't like that type of commitment.
Man 2 (he's older) still hasn't touched me.  No kissing, hand holding, or anything, but we've gone out 4 times... with a few opportunities.  I finally texted him and asked him if he was not interested in me romantically, and his response was "it has been killing me not to touch you, i find you very sexy and i am definitely interested in you."  Ummmmm so I don't exactly know how to handle that.  And he also takes me to insanely high class restaurants without telling me where we're going.. so I am wearing flip flops and jeans and look entirely stupid.  Oh well.

Bad News:  I put a wet towel on the towel rack to dry not thinking that it would drip all over my scale.  Yesterday the scale kept giving me an error message, and today it gave me the 142.2.  Can I trust this??  I should probably go weigh in at the gym tomorrow morning.

Yesterday before my run we had a "Katball birthday bash" (b/c my name is Kat, and my bff's name is Kat).  It was a lot of fun being a kid, and I'm a sore in my hips which is always nice.
I'm in the pink shorts... look at how large my legs look!!  At least I have a little middle.  I'll take what I can get right??

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

i think it's amazing how facebook can be so time consuming.  i sat down to write a blog post like 15 minutes ago... but instead i've been surfing through old pictures of myself.  i kept thinking "wow, if only i had known how skinny i was instead of being obsessed with getting smaller."  don't you think it's interesting that i've been obsessed with getting smaller for going on a decade and yet... i've only gotten bigger!
i think what i need to do is start counting calories again.  i dont exactly know why i stopped.  its a hassle i guess.. it takes a while to do and you either have to do it throughout the day, or you have to try and remember every morsel you put into your mouth that day.  i guess ideally you really wouldnt be putting morsels of anything in your mouth right??  giving up alcohol for lent hasn't been the struggle i thought it would be... probably because i am replacing my cravings with hot chocolate.  i have found that the coffee machine at the client i'm currently working on has this crazy 'chocochino' setting... which is basically milk and hot chocolate and goodness all wrapped in one.  i'm probably having 3 a day.  300 calories... in hot chocolate.  what an idiot.  i vow not to have any today.

in other news, i signed up to run a 10k on July 4th.  soooo i'm doing that couch to 5k program... and this time i don't plan on quitting!  2 sessions down... who knew i'm so out of shape??  i know i say this every time... how can i do a 60 minute spin class but not be able to run for 1 minute and walk for 90 seconds 8 times in a row?  i am running 10 minute mile pace... is that slow? average?  i know its not fast... i just want to know if maybe i should try to speed it up or slow it down for this type of training.

i have other court related drama... but i'll save that for another time.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I promised myself I would be posting more, and eating healthier, and all that jazz, once busy season was over.  Over for about a week I should say, then back to work hard core.  I have some tough clients with some tough deadlines.  Currently I'll be at a client site until the middle of April.  I think I can handle it, but it would be nice to get a break!!  Going on a cruise with my mother over Easter.  I'd like to be in my tip top shape for that.  Last time I went on a cruise I was in the low 130s.  Now I'm in the low 140s :(

I have been keeping up with exercising.  I found a new weight training class that I love on Tuesday mornings.  I had been going to Wednesday morning spin class, but I've determined that I just really hate the teacher.  No point in doing something that makes you miserable, right?  If my love life didn't get in the way, then ideally I would be going to a Spin on Monday nights and Saturday Mornings, a Yoga on Thursdays and Sundays, and the weight class on Tuesdays.  Leaving Wednesday and Friday as "me" time.  To bad I DO have a love-life (who ever says something like that)

Currently I am seeing two guys.  This one is someone who I work with.  He travels during the week, so I see him Friday nights- Saturday mornings, then occasionally Saturday nights- Sunday afternoons.  More recently it's been seeing each other both... I think our feelings our growing for each other.  He's made it perfectly clear that he is not interested in getting serious... but we make each other happy, the sex is great, and who complains about that... right?!  This one I met at my birthday party (yes, that is me... full body shot... eek) and we have gone out 3 times.  He is very sweet, from Canada, a perfect gentleman, in EXCELLENT shape (I am only assuming, he is a personal trainer), and we seem to have a courting relationship going on.  We have not kissed.  3 dates. No kiss.  I feel like I should just kiss him... but I am determined not to be a whore in this one.  I am determined to make rational and thought out decisions.  I'm already getting action, I don't need to be doing that with 2 people.  I decided if I want to have a long term serious relationship, then I should act like it.  And by act like it I mean see 2 people at the same time????  Ugh I'm an idiot.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

i made it!  taxes are done!!  i did screw something up pretty bad... but oh well, hopefully it fixes itself and no one will have to worry.  Now i just have to do my OWN taxes.... I actually already did them I just have to file.  I owe my state $18.
So this week is the week of starting fresh in 2011.  I've kept strong with my lenten resolutions, and I made it to the gym tuesday morning and today.  Weight workout class, and Spin.  I feel extremely tired, but hey.. I guess thats what you have to do to get in shape.  I have definitely been getting smaller in 2011... I fit comfortably into more pants than before, which is always a nice feeling.  Obviously I'm not where I want to be, but a step in the right direction is always good.

Monday, March 14, 2011

well... march 15th is about to be here.  and i'm looking forward to that stress being gone... but i also know that there will be another deadline, another project, another SOMETHING.  There always is.  I'm also having a lot of personal problems that aren't helping my life right now.  Lets just say that 2011 hasn't gotten off on the right start.  On the plus side, I haven't cheated on any of the things I'm restricting for lent.... I AM having a hard time keeping up with the water and the squats... but I'm fasting today, so I think I'll be able to catch up on the water, and I've done the squats for the last 2 days (my current sexual partner says I have a great ass... so that is motivation to keep it up).  I need to sit down and tell you about my personal life... I think getting it out would help... my neck and back are so stiff from carrying around the stress.  Hopefully after tomorrow I'll be feeling a little bit better and able to catch you up

have a great day :)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'm sorry I've been gone.  Tax season is slowly killing me.  I have two corporations due on March 15th, and 3 corporations I am trying to extend.   This basically just means I am working my butt off until then... and afterwards, I have to start a quarterly provision for my largest client (don't even worry about what that means... haha).  Basically I have no life.  I haven't been good with eating... my birthday was on Monday and my goal was to hit 139, but I was still at 142.  Yuck.

For lent I've given up the following:
Mexican Food

And I've taken on:
Drinking 2 liters of water each day
Doing 50 squats every day.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Part Two: ACT
From Fitness Overhaul

Have you ever had a job that you had to look busy even when there was nothing for you to do? It is the worst and it makes for a long day!
Going to the gym just because you are supposed to, but with no set plan, is the same thing. You will see little results and you will have no fun, which in turn will make you want to quit more than you want to achieve your goal.
 My Goal:  Go from 143 to 125 by June 30th (129 days).  Thats a loss of 18 lbs in 18 weeks.  1 lbs per week.  Totally doable.
To lose a pound per week, you need to be at a caloric deficit of around 3,500 calories per week or 500 calories per day.

How am I going to have a calorie deficit of 500/day?
Working Out- Cardio, Resistance Training
Diet- Intermittent Fasting, Decreasing Carbs
from Fitness Overhaul:
Here are the four steps which I will break down in detail in a series of future posts:
  1. Plan
  2. Act
  3. Evaluate
  4. Adjust
The first step to achieving anything in life is to actually know what it is that you want. This is where the planning comes in. If you don’t have a plan, you will never make any permanent results.
I have found this to be very true.  When I start my day without thinking about what I am going to eat/drink, or if I am going to exercise, I almost always make decisions based on instant gratification.

Another tactic that you can use and will definitely help is to get a mental image of what you want your body to look like. Visualize yourself doing things that you will be doing with your new look. The more vivid the better, try and make up little scenarios that you will be in with your new look. Visualize yourself training, eating better, even getting compliments from others about how great you look.

So here is my ideal:
  • Weigh 125 lbs
  • Wear a size 2 jeans
  • Train 4 times per week
  • Feel healthier
  • Be more flexible
Written Goal:  I weigh 125 lbs wearing a size 2 pants by June 30, 2011. I feel healthy, strong, and have incredible flexibility.  I train 6 days per week and I never miss a workout.  I make conscious decisions about my workout and choose to be healthy.  I am happier and more confident than when I was overweight and now know I can achieve any goal that I set my mind to.  If I get off track or miss a workout, I can easily regain composure and move closer to my goal every day.

 What's your goal?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Another Relationship Disaster

lucky me... I broke up with the guy I was dating.. YESTERDAY.  For the best, I know this.. but I hate when things end badly, dont you?? 

Why can't we all be adults and not scream and fight.. just take things for what they are.  No middle school shouting and name calling and hang-ups.  Although ya know... it sort of makes it easier to end, just because you see what that person is like angry. 
Anyway.. I'm not saying there is no fault of mine in this relationship disaster, but at least I tried to handle it like the 24 year old I am.. where as he handled it like a 31 year old child.

So, what shall I do today instead?  How about WORK, and then WORK OUT.  Can't snag my next guy if I'm not in tip top shape

(technically I've already snagged my next guy, but I just don't really want to sound like the whore I am...).

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thursday, February 10, 2011

in the last wee when i wasn't looking.. i somehow gained a few pounds and am back up to 145.  UGH.  I have been watching myself from the outside.  Instead of NOT eating during stressful periods, this week I've been reaching for candy one of the partners keeps in his office.  BAD idea.  I notice when I eat a bigger breakfast I am less likely to binge eat during work.  Must keep that in mind.

Having a party today.  The theme:  Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge, it hurts less.  Girls, male bashing, delicious food, movie about how love sucks, etc.  Sure to be a good time.  I've hosted this for many years, and we always enjoy ourselves!

Friday, February 4, 2011

yesterday didn't work out as planned.  of course... i stuffed my face.  so sad.  must make up for it this weekend.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

1. when you burn more than you consume, you lose weight.
2. when you make healthy choices, you feel full and not deprived.  this causes less binging... and less purging.
3. when you give something to yourself, like time to exercise, you feel more relaxed, happier, and possibly a little lighter/tighter.
4. giving into temptation once in a while is okay.  as long as it is measured and realistic, and can be made up for the day before/after.

i am down to 141.  this doesn't seem low to me.  i am realistic.... but considering that I've been in the high 140s for like... ever.... I am really happy with my progress.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've stopped drinking so much.  When I do drink, it is at the end of the day when I can consider how much I can really afford.

today we have a happy hour planned to celebrate me becoming a CPA... not just passing all the exams, but getting the actual certificate, which requires a ridiculous number of forms, experience, etc.  it is a margarita happy hour.  my diet today:  breakfast- special k, lunch- salad, snack- carrots/peppers, happy hour- margarita, a few chips, and maybe a bowl of soup.  no exercising today because Grey's is on finally, and I have a date with a girlfriend... but no drinking there.. just diet coke!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February 1st- 142.  In the month of February I plan to lose 3 pounds... and by lose 3 pounds I mean lose for good... not 3 pounds of water weight.  By my birthday (March 7), I intend to weigh 138.  In March of 2009 I weighed 133... 2 years older, I think 5 pounds of weight is acceptable (especially since I'm on the down).

I feel happy with 142 today because for the past year, I've been 148ish.  Down a few, up a few... but always back to 148.  2011 is my year!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

ate 1000 calories today.. burned 600 at the gym.  in bed now, refusing to get up or make any dinner, for fear that i will inhale the frozen cookie dough in my freezer.  nope.  staying in bed.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

i know i've been MIA.  It's my TOM.. it only comes every 3 months, so when it does come, its bad.  I spent the last week eating everything I could get my hands on.  I was so ashamed to see the scale going up and not down.  BUT.. now that I actually have it, my cravings aren't nearly as bad, and I finished off yesterday at 1,200 calories... burning 1,000 at the gym, so a deficit of around 1,500.  My calorie count website said that the exercises I did at the gym only burned 600.. but I was wearing a heart rate monitor.... I wonder which to believe!  Anyway... after my 1,200 calorie day.. I had no plans to eat.... but as I was catching up on a tv show, I heard the call of mixed nuts in my cabinet.  I ate almost the entire bag... 170 X 5 is the entire bag = 850... I probably ate more like 700. UGH.  How is it even possible to eat that many nuts?!  And isn't it sad that I don't want to include that in my total for yesterday because I don't want to change my calorie count deficit?  I want to lie to myself.  How stupid.  I have so many good things in my house... so many healthy options.  I just need to make a list of things I will eat each day this week... instead of coming home and picking whatever I want bc there are so many options.  Hmm.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

it always seems like something is holding me back.  busy season is upon me... as if i haven't already been working myself to the bone.  i have a major project being delivered on thursday, so we're all on edge about getting it done and sent off and having a day or two to breathe before we start on our other clients.  needless to say, the only exercise i've gotten in the last 2 weeks is my weekly spin class saturday morning.  This saturday I had to go to the 8:15 class so I could make it to work!!!  That class is only 45 minutes, but I kicked my ass and burned 550 calories.
sunday i had planned on going to the gym and grocery shopping and all that good stuff, but my boy took me to IHOP for breakfast, and although i picked something "healthy" I still wasn't happy that I ate so much.  I didn't eat for the rest of the day, and by the time I got to the grocery store I was super hungry, and bought cheetos.  I seriously ate the entire bag in one day.  how gross is that.  I didn't have time to work out either because I promised to do so many things.  Seriously.. my calories on Sunday were close to 3,000!!!!!!
Yesterday I totally paid for it.  I felt ill all day, and only consumed a luna bar, some fruit snacks, and a handful of chex mix.  I am ready to get all the crap out of my body... but it doesn't seem like my digestive system is being cooperative.

I booked a cruise with my mom after busy season is over (mid April).  I think it's good to have a vacation booked so I have a deadline for getting into the shape I want.  I haven't considered exactly what I want to accomplish, but I will in the next few days and let you know.  If only my mother would jump on the weight loss band wagon.. she's been heavy as long as I've been alive, and its not healthy

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Snowed In Day 3.  Today I am going to do some exercise!  Just because I'm stuck inside does not give me an excuse not to exercise.  My old trainer posted a blog of things you can do indoors to really get your heart pumping:
Lunges - complete 3 sets of 10 reps on each leg
Pushups – complete 2 sets of 10 – 12 reps
Squat Thrusts or Burpees – complete 2 sets of 10 reps
Dips on a Chair or Couch – complete 2 sets of 12 – 15 reps
Climb your Stairs (stepping on every other stair) – climb the stairs 15 times
Plie’ Squats (toes at a 45 degree angle) – 2 sets of 12 reps
Wall Sit (sit against a wall and hold for 30 – 45 seconds) – repeat 3 times
Sit Ups (place your feet under the edge of a couch if you need to) – complete 2 sets of 25 reps

I'm going to skip the squat thrusts since I live above someone... but definitely doing the other stuff!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Good and Bad news

So... since my awful new years experiences (which I feel I shouldn't really have to explain.. because it was new years... just think alcohol)... I've been entirely too good.  I went 8 days without drinking, then had a margarita... but in that time, was also great about food too.  I managed to see my weight in the 142s.. which hasn't happened in IDK.. forever.  The last 2 days haven't been as good...   We got snowed in... I live in GA- 4 inches is a lot.. especially when it ices.  So I'm stuck inside all day-- working.. and I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch, but a girlfriend brought me these delicious biscuits from her trip to England, and I've been munching on them all day.  At 80 calories each.. i've eaten way more than my budget.  Today I did not have a calorie deficit for the first time this year... and I'm really disappointed with myself.  I have so much healthy food in the house, you'd think I'd pick better choices.  I think I am just going to throw those cookies in the garbage.  I did shovel some snow today... all the steps that lead down to my car.  Not that I can leave the driveway, but I thought it'd be a good idea to not have ice build up... does that count as exercise?

I'm going to throw those cookies away.  And I'll probably be snowed in tomorrow too, but I'll make more of an effort, promise :)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

ate a chicken biscuit for breakfast today... and made up for it the rest of the day by eating barely anything.  Ended up with a 950 calorie deficit.  Highest I've had in forever!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm copying MLM.  Here is my start pictures.  Honestly, I think I look really good for 145.  I'm full of muscle.. I have a decently flat stomach, and really the only place I'm REALLY unhappy with is my thighs and saddle bags.  One thing I do love about myself is my butt.  It doesn't sag (yet) and I don't want to lose it.  So, my goal isn't as drastic as others... I want to get down to 130.  15 lbs. 3 lbs a month?  I need to think about this and come up with a plan.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year, New Resolutions

last year my NYR was to read 30 books.  I made it to 20.  I think that is pretty good!

Here is what I'm toying with this year:
1) Running a 5k
2) Reading 21 books :P
3) Drinking only once a week
4) Writing a letter to a friend once a week (I have a list of 50 people who get letters... I need 2 more!!)
5) Go to the gym 150 times
6) Take 52+ spin classes
7) Save 10% of my income

I want one that is meaningful... last year's was... I don't know why, but it was a goal that was measurable and attainable (almost), and I didn't feel like a failure when I didn't meet it, because I made a good effort to try and I still got to read 20 great books.  The problem with running is that I don't want to do it.  I've tried the couch to 5k program and I make it to the 3rd week and quit.  I just don't want to feel like a failure.  I'd like to learn to cook, but realistically, could I say "make 1 new meal per week" and actually stick with it?