Wednesday, December 28, 2011

i am hesitant to publish this post because many of the readers in our bloggosphere are quite young.. and it may sound like i am a raging lunatic... but hopefully my older readers with empathize with me and not think i am a crazy-pants.

SO... I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months because he couldn't tell me he loved me.  Not sure if I posted about the incident in October... he had told me he loved me... only to take it back.  Granted we had only been dating a few months when he said it so it was definitely the infatuation stage... but when he took it back we had been together a good 4 months.  At my age, you kind of put it all out on the table.  You don't date to date, unless you're really just looking to get laid.  Ahh maybe I am just confusing everyone.
Okay... so... at my age, you meet someone and you go out with them once or twice to determine if they are the type of person you could see yourself potentially being with long term.  if the answer is yes, you continue to see them.  As you get to know that person, you realize either a) they are not right for you, or b) they ARE right for you.  If the answer is b, I think that is love.  I used to think of love as "if i lost that person I would be devastated", but now i think of it as "can i see myself with this person in 5 years.  would that make me happy?" 
For me, with my boyfriend.  The answer is yes.  We have been together for 6 months.  We see each other a good bit.. so we are very very close.  I know who he is as a person, and I care about him so deeply.  I think that at 6 months, with the amount we see each other, you know, yes or no.

He doesn't know.  He cannot use the word "love" to describe me.  He CAN NOT.  I can't help thinking... he KNOWS me.  he knows the person I am.  I am not planning on changing.  I have not lied to him about my qualities my flaws, my overall character traits.  He knows who I am.  And if he doesn't know if he loves me... time will not change that. 

He treats me with so much love, and so much respect.  He is really a great guy.  There are definitely things I don't like about him, definitely annoyances and things I wish I could change.  I consider him kind of selfish, and he has been pretty lax about exercising since we started dating.  He doesn't love my cat, and sometimes he doesn't listen to me when I talk.  So he's not perfect.  Neither am I... of course.  But over all... we fit very well together.  We have a great friendship, we trust each other, we have a good sex life, we enjoy each others company, and my friends like him.  And if I were 20... then I would let things continue to play out...  because there is plenty of time in the world.  For some reason, now that I am nearly 26... I feel like having a good relationship is not good enough.  I want love.  I LOVE him.  And I think I deserve to have love too.  I don't want to get married (been there, done that), I don't want to get engaged.  I don't want to consider moving in together for at least another 6 months... but I do want love.  And I truly believe that if it hasn't happened now, its not going to happen.

I am crushed.  I haven't allowed myself to cry yet... but I will soon I think.  I want to stay strong.  I want to stop wishing I hadn't done this.  I want to remember that I am making the right decision in the end, even if its the hardest one.  I can't stop hoping that in a week or two he will come back to me telling me that I am the love of his life... and that he is lost without me.  I need to let go of that.  There is definitely no point in holding on to hope  when it is pretty darn unrealistic.

He deserves to fall in love.  I deserve to be loved.  It sucks that its not the two of us together.


  1. I think it was very brave of you to make that move and not settle for less then what you want. Many people settle for men who totally suck and I hate to see that. My only concern is that Love might happen for different people at different times. What if your decision was premature? BUT on the other hand you have your time frame and you know what you want. It was probably just too difficult to love someone and not get that back. I also think that when it's the right person it happens for both of you. Hope the pain gets better soon. It will; it's just pretty miserable in the meantime.

  2. I couldn't agree more with Miranda. I was also thinking that--what if your decision was premature. BUT you know what, he CAN come back and say he loves you and then you have the option of revisiting your decision.

  3. I ttly understand your decision. I do not understand the whole "saying he loved you and then tok it back".. I do not think there is a "time" to say I love you - My hubby said he loved me after only few days of dating.

    I do understand that in our age, we don't just date - to date. We want to have a future with the one we like. But you are saying that he treats you with love and respect.. Does the word love - replace his actions?

    I think it is great that you know what you want, and you have made it clear for him- if he truely does love you - he wont just let you go, even he might not say the word.. If he does let you go, then I guess its good that you are letting him go, so you can move on.

    Do stay strong, and things will work out one way or another love. Take care and good luck with everything,.. This love thing is a messy matter for all of us..

  4. You DO deserve to be loved. Keep holding on to that.

    (And I'm glad we are reconnected!)

  5. I'm really sorry for all of the troubles with your (now) ex boyfriend. That is so incredibly hard. Even with Juan I have similar struggles - he can say he loves me, but sometimes he acts like I am hardly a part of his life at all. I have also been in relationships where I just knew it wasn't right and we deserved better. I know everyone always says that it will get better and time will help, but whenever I have been heartbroken, the only thing I ever wanted to hear is that, frankly, yes, it sucks. It sucks a lot and it hurts a lot. You just have to take it one day at a time and see what happens. Maybe he'll turn around, but for now you can keep living. It's been a while since you wrote this, but I hope things have improved somehow for you.