Merry Christmas everyone!!  I love the holidays.... this year I'm spending it with my parents, which is sort of a challenge, but family is important, so I'm putting on a happy face and trying to enjoy being with them.

I've been thinking hard about my goals, and why I'm not getting the results I'm looking for.  I think the most important thing to remember is that

If I wanted it bad enough, I would work hard enough to get it.

My body didn't gain all this weight because I was feeding it healthy food and making sure I got active.  I gained weight because I (as my MFP tells me) snack on cheese and M&Ms in between meals.

One issue I'm facing is that in January I'm traveling every. single.week.  I don't know exactly what my plan should be.  Maybe insanity or Jillian Michaels on the days I'm traveling?  I'm sure that my gyms have tredmills too... it's just a matter of ACTUALLY going there.

What I can control is my exercise schedule BEFORE I leave.  I get back home tomorrow night, so starting on Wednesday I have the following plan:
Wednesday- Yoga, Strength
Thursday- Zumba
Friday- Cycle
Saturday- Cycle
Sunday- Yoga
Monday- Cycle

Tuesday is the 1st, so the gym wont be open.  I'll go to my boyfriend's gym for sure.  I don't have any New Year's plans yet.... so it probably won't be crazy.

Liebster Award

Thank you Kitty for nominating me for this award.  I know I'm really late in responding.  I've got a lot going on with work and the holidays!  I never get nominated for anything... so I'm really surprised.  I think i just fly under the radar a little bit.

So... here are 11 things about me that you may or may not already know:
1. I'm a CPA.  I got a Masters in Accountancy in 2009 specializing in Taxation, and I work for a large public accounting firm.  I recently made the switch from Tax Compliance to consulting, and now I work with the company to outsource our work to India.  It sounds ominous and kind of unpatriotic, but it's not.... we just need more people, and India is a good place to get them!
2. I moved from New York to Georgia when I was 18 and I never looked back.  I left my family and my friends because I just needed a change.  I'm starting to feel that itch here.... maybe a move to Arizona?
3. I've gained about 25 pounds since I left highschool 8 years ago.  When I was a senior in highschool I was very disordered.  I ate yogurt, and picked at dinner, and worked out for hours at a time.  I did the 10 lbs freshman year, and then I've slowly gained a bit here and there since.  I fluctuate between 140 and 150 these days... and I'm currently on the higher end.
4. One of my bucket list items is to visit all the 7 wonders wonders of the world, and the 7 natural wonders.  This year I went to the Taj Mahal.
5. Every year around this time I go through facebook and my phone and delete people who I a) don't remember b) don't care to remember, or c) havent talked to in the last year.  I havent done the phone yet, but I've deleted 100 people off my facebook account!
6. I am 26, and I've been married.  We were together for a long time, but married only a very short time.  I think I removed all the old posts about him and what happened.  Very dramatic, but  my life is 100% better
7. And speaking of men in my life, I do have a wonderful guy (Miranda will tell you differently haha- I am lucky to have a devils advocate).  We've been together for a year and a half, and I've grown a lot in that time period, and I think he has too... I'm his first girlfriend since highschool, so our relationship maturities don't exactly "match" which is always an adventure
8. And speaking of Miranda... gosh, how long have we been on Blogger?  She's one of the older ones, like me.  I've got to be coming up on 7 or 8 years...Jeez!  Anyway.. Miranda is my closest blogger friend.  I dont even know if we qualify as friends, but I feel like I know everything about her!  Oh wow, I just looked. April 2008 is when I started this blog.  That is only 4.5 years.  Jeez, I'm just losing it.
9. My name is Kathryn.  I'm not sure I've ever said that before.
10.  I want to become a yoga instructor really badly.  The problem is, I don't actually do very much yoga.  Not even once a week anymore.  And I'm not all ohm-y... I just like the way it makes me feel and the stretch I get.  And apparently it costs a good bit of money to become certified.  I like to make excuses for things to get out of them.... I think this is one.
11. I hate my body.  I hate that I don't have the self discipline to do what I know it takes to get what I want.  I hate that I'm so self defeating.... and that I make excuses for myself not to work hard or to push myself.  But I love the blogger community... and thats why I don't want to give up all together.  Hey, if I've been blogging for 4.5 years, I've stuck to SOMETHING, right?



11 questions:

1. Name the one part of your body you love. Well.  I have thin wrists.  And I have a good jawline... hopefully that wont fade.  The one thing I HATE, and I know this isnt the question, but I'll tell you anyway... is my CALVES!  THEY ARE HUGEEEEE. Seriously.  I dont know if my feet are too small for the size of my calves, or they are just really big, but i CANNOT wear boots.  Its ridiculous and unfair.
2. Where do you see your self in 5 years? Five years from today I'll be 31.  I hope that I'll still be a CPA, and an extremely successful professional.  I wish I could tell you what I see for my personal life, but I just dont know.  I want to move, I want to stay.  My boyfriend and I could be very happy together, but I think it's best not to assume, and only really worry about the things I can control.  Life will take its course... and I hope that I jump on the healthy bandwagon sooner or later!
3. What is your favorite color? Purple
4. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be? I really want to be able to read people's minds, and be able to change the way they feel.  Playing God... I know, thats not good.
5. What does your perfect day look like? NO WORK. Those are few and far between these days.  A perfect realistic day would be one in which I'm not tempted by unhealthy habits, and I find time to exercise and get enough sleep.
6. Name the one thing you can not live without. The internet on my cell phone.  I'm soooo addicted to it. 
7. Name 3 places you want to visit. Great Wall of China, Grand Canyon, the North Pole (only if Santa is there)
8. Lazy day on the couch, what do you do? I'd like to watch the 3rd season of the O.C.
9. What color is your hair? Blonde
10. Name one thing that you hate! I really hate when people don't spell check something that is printed out. I get it if you're IMing or sending a quick e-mail, but if you're making a sign, or printing an official document, please just read it over once or twice....

Apparently there are only 10 questions to answer.  That's okay.. this post has taken me 3 days to complete.. so I should stop now.

My goodness, I've really been failing. Falling off the wagon.
I don't know what is going on with me, but I've been so obsessed with stuffing my face. Like this week I've been in Chicago for work with snacks and dessert and everything bad. I will think to myself, this is not healthy, you need to count your calories, you should just restrict..... And yet I can't control it. I am in awe of the people who eat so much food when they are larger... I think about their lack of self control and wonder what is wrong with them. Now, I'm being that person now.

Sometimes I wish I had a weird disease. Like not a bad one, but one of those where you can't eat wheat or you need to watch your alcohol.
There was a girl at this training.... Super tiny and tan and beautiful, who had a slight alerts to wheat. Since we were eating buffet food, she didn't know what was in the sauces, so she avoided everything except the vegetables. Why can't that be me? Also she runs marathons. Jealous.

I need resolve. I need to resolve to take care of myself.

I fired my therapist this morning. So hard, but needed

I am quite frustrated. Had a very active weekend, and a very food conscious weekend, and yet today the scale is up. Maybe it's water, maybe I'm just retaining... But maybe not. This is so frustrating. I feel like I'm following science... Science should work!

My fitness pal has been great this last month. I log in pretty religiously and I can see where I go wrong. I'm not saying I've fixed the problems, but at least now I am recognizing a pattern.
I really would like to lose some significant weight by my next birthday. I understand that means taking what I've learned and really applying it to everyday life. One thing I've learned that when I eat 1200 calories or less, the next day is an over the top eating day. For now I've changed my goal to "maintenance" and I'll know that as long as I'm under that number I'm on the right track.

It's my favorite time of year!! The weather is getting cool... Football season is in full swing and my team is doing well... Except for NFL but that's ok... And it's Christmas time!
Thanksgiving wasn't a disaster. I spent it with my boyfriends parents- I am convinced his mother hates me, but she was quite pleasant regardless. I drank a lot... And have continued to do so for the last few days... I haven't tried to weigh myself because I got my period on Thursday and on top of the holiday eating I'm just not looking forward to the number. My plan for the coming week is to eat very simply and to eat the same thing every day. I know this is boring but doesn't it seem like if I add variety, I'm more likely to eat things not on "the diet"? Maybe I'm just making things up and this won't work... But I'm going to try!!
Breakfast- oatmeal with pb and milk
Lunch- tortilla with turkey cheese and hummus
Snack- Greek yogurt and 1/2 a pomegranate
Dinner- grilled chicken strip and buffalo chicken strip

I need to calculate the calories and make sure this works.

Pictures are me and the boyfriend at our last home football game of the season yesterday, and my newly wrapped "presents"

I haven't been reading any blogs at all. I just checked and I have 25 from Miranda in my queue. Sorry I've been such a slacker. I promise to hunker down over the holiday!

Bad Day

I just need to post and tell you all the things about my life that are miserable... because I am feeling extremely sorry for myself and I need to just get it all out and move on.

1. I like my roommate, she is really nice.  Except she overfed my cat while I was in India and now she is fat.  Also, she is the messiest person I know.  And the thing that seriously sucks is I asked her if she was clean before we moved in and she said yes.  I think she is possibly disillusioned about how messy she is.  Not dirty, just messy.  Like, is selling clothes on ebay.. and so we have a huge pile of clothes in our dining room... which is in plain view when you walk in.  The coffee table is always covered in her contracts for work, and time magazine.  Maybe I'm just jealous that she's cultured enough to read time magazine, but seriously, put them in a pile, don't strew them about so I can't put anything on the table.  The kitchen is the worst.  She loves to cook, and she's good at it, and very generous with her baked goods... but I literally have 1 drawer in the fridge.  And its not even a full drawer.. its like a half drawer at the bottom.  And when I got back from India, it was full of Apples.  So now I am sharing my half drawer with her apples, and the entire rest of the fridge is full of her stuff.  I kind of wonder if she even knows what is in the fridge.  I have a feeling it goes bad before she has a chance to eat it... I end up throwing a lot of stuff away when I notice it has mold on it.  Anyway.  And since she's always cooking, the sink is always full of dishes, and the dishwasher is always full of dishes, and I felt like I needed to make an appointment to cook tonight... because the chances of her being in there when I get home from work are pretty high.  It feels like I am a guest in my own house.  She takes over all the common area space, and I must sit in my room.  Granted my room is much bigger than hers.  Oh,, I didnt mention the washer dryer... but I'm sure you get the jist of that.
2.  My boyfriend doesnt want to move in with me.  I need to respect that he's not ready and at least he's telling me that... but i feel super rejected.  I don't want to live with my roommate anymore, but he doesn't want to live with me, so do I move in by myself again?  I hate moving.  And if I do, then I rope myself into a contract for another year, and what if before then he is ready?  See... this is a major problem, that I'm making my life decisions based on his 'what if' and that is NOT okay.  He's certainly not doing that... so I need to be doing what I want, what I need, without regard to whether he may or may not do what I want him to.
3. My job is killing me.  It's a challenging role which is great, and I get to travel a lot which is also great.  However... I was in India for an entire month.. and I think it's okay for me to take off 2 days before starting back.  Nope.  Of course everyone SAYS its okay.  SAYS yes, take a break.. but when it comes down to it, I get meetings placed on my calendar for the entire two days.  So many meetings in fact that even had I been working, i wouldnt have been able to get anything done.  My job is super stressful in that way.  We have 20 people doing 20 different things, and they all need something from you, but no one coordinates with each other.  No one stops to ask if I'm busy during my lunch hour (yes, I am)... because they live on the West Coast and it's convenient for them.  Now we have india up and running, this job seems like its a 24 hour commitment.  I need to bring my computer home every night because I can't finish my tasks during the day due to all the meetings, and when i wake up in the morning I have a ton of e-mails from the people working in India.  It just sucks.   The problem is... what would I want to do instead?  What would make me happy?  I have no idea.


Ok so I guess thats all thats bothering me because I can't think of anything else.  I need a plan for my job.  I need to tell my boss I'm stressed out.  But the problem is... the work still has to get done, so does it even matter if I'm stressed out?  I still have to work, still have to do my tasks that take me all day and into the night... but there has to be a better way.  There has to.
And I have no idea what to do about the roommate.  I can clean up after her, I could move her apples out of my drawer and just force myself to have space.  I can make appointments to use the kitchen, I could possibly work from home so I'm on the couch when she gets home and she can't take over the common area... but that all requires a lot of time and effort.  I don't even know how to talk to her about it.  What do you say? 

So.... today are the results of my 30 Day Shred...


I didn't finish the full 30 days... only 22.  I did a lot of cardio workouts, and when i was done i was too tired to do the shred video.  Anyway.. here we go

Before:

Waist- 27.65
Belly Button- 29.55
Hips- 39.25
Thigh- 22.75
Chest 33.2
Total: 152.4

After:

Waist- 27
Belly Button- 29
Hips- 38.5
Thigh- 22
Chest- 32.5
Total: 149

Weight.... I think it might have gone up!!  I can't believe I am smaller.  I can't believe this worked.

I just discovered this tv show called just for laughs. It's like afhv, but better bc they play jokes on ppl. I might need to stay just so I can watch a months worth. I'm cracking up!!
Anyway... I laughed and felt my abs!! This jillian michaels crap works!!!

012. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. You'll train yourself not to think about eating.

it looks like I'm not going to be able to come home.  Oh well.. I am going to spend the entire day Saturday lounging around and resting/reading/exercising and at the spa.  I wonder if my boss will pay for my manicure?! haha

i have been purging again... seems like thats what i do when i travel huh?  not good.  stress reflex i guess?  its hard not to overeat when you have to go to dinners.  if i were by myself i might have a salad.  when im with other people, i have the salad, and then some of the appetizer, and a glass of wine...and there you go.. an extra 500-1000 calories in seconds.

TK-- if you are reading this.. I keep trying to comment on your blog but I can't!  But I'm sending my love :)

011. Eat with the opposite hand you normally do. Left handed people eat with their right hand, and vice versa.

Quick post.  Last week in India!!  I can't wait to go home.  There is a slight chance I'll fly Saturday morning instead of Sunday morning.. which would mean I can see my love earlier than expected!  So exciting.  Not going to get my hopes up, because Delta hasn't been very nice to me... but we'll see.

Umm 30 Day Shred level 3.  Ouch.  I can't even do half the stuff.  I don't have weights, just water bottles, so the moves where you are in plank position lifting up your arms I can't use weights.  Oh.. and Im sure I already mentioned this... but I feel terrible doing some of the jumping moves in the hotel, so I usually just do jumping jacks bc I can land softly.

Anyway... I'm going to be super super super good with my food this week.  I do have to go to that Indian restaurant I mentioned last post.. that got postponed to this week, but other than that, I'm eating clean!

 

010. If you live by yourself and prone to binges, buy only the food you need for the day. That way if you eat it, there isn't anymore.

I feel like I'm pretty much the fattest person on earth.  I ate over 2,600 calories today.  I did go to the gym and burned 600, but after I entered everything into my fitness pal, it told me if I kept eating like this I'd be up to 151 in 5 weeks.  Not good.  So disappointed with myself.  I don't understand what my motivation is?!

Of course tomorrow we're going out for traditional indian food.  No getting around that...

I finished level 2 of 30DS today!  I'm not sure what level 3 brings, but I'm ready!  I've lost half an inch in my waist, but thats the only place that's gotten smaller.  Probably becaues I keep eating.  Want to hear something crazy?  Today I went to KFC for the first time in TWENTY years.  I don't plan on going back for at least another 20.

 

I hate commenting on blogs that have one of those stupid encryption things where you have to type in a word and number. First, I can never read the word, and 2nd, something is wrong with the I phone where it makes it difficult to complete. Do I have this? If so, how do I change it?

002. Keep a stack of magazines weighing the same amount you want to lose. When you lose weight remove some magazines from the stack. It will be thinspirational to see that pile slowly start to get smaller.

Nothing really with me.  I ate a lot today.  Healthy... but a lot.  So i did 30DS twice.  I know, that was the plan, but I was really planning not to do it tonight.  After I had a handful of almonds and went over my calorie intake, I did it anyway.  And again in a few hours?  Yuck.

Going out to dinner tomorrow to a nice Indian resturant.  Everything here has so many carbs.  I need to watch out for that.

I dont feel like 30DS is making me smaller.  Maybe thats just in my head.  Maybe its just bc I havent gone to the bathroom in a few days?

001. Keep a thinspiration book. Get a really nice journal or something and print pictures of skinny models, tips, quotes, or workouts, and glue it in there. Look through it whenever you want to binge.

I went to the Taj Mahal this weekend.  It was so wonderful.  SO beautiful.  It's so sad that one of the girls didnt want to go... I just dont even understand that.  You're in a foreign country you'll probably never come back to, and you don't want to see one of the 7 wonders of the world.

We really didnt have a lot of time, so I didn't overeat, yay!  I am afraid to eat certain things from most places, so a lot of what I eat if we aren't at the hotel is packaged and preservative filled.  Not good, but better than getting sick I think.

I did day 4 of Level 2 30DS today.  I need to make up both Friday and Saturday this week, so I plan to do 2 workouts tomorrow and 2 on tuesday.  Not sure if I can make that happen, since I can hardly breathe at the end, but I figure once in the morning and once before bed I should be able to handle it.  I HAVE to make up those days... no other option


Thank you Rio and TK for being my My Fitness Pal friends!!  I think it's motivating to see what other people eat.  If anyone else wants to add me, let me know.  I'm not giving out my username because it has my full name in it, but I'll friend everyone :)

My fitness pal?

I just joined and need some friends. Any takers?

Training for the India Service Center began today. I'm not doing any trainings, but observing and helping out as the presenters need me. Best part of my day was making table tents for name tags. I should be an admin... That's what I love to do.
I've been thinking about my job... I don't love it, but I think I must be good at it since I was flown across the world to do it.
Weight is going up... Shocking but not unexpected. If I didn't have to go to dinner every day I think it might be a different story... But I can't just skip. I'm going to try to say I want room service tonight and see if that's ok. Then I will eat a zone bar and have a good work out. Still doing Jillian michaels 30 day shred. Today I'm on day 3 of level 2. It is wayyyy harder than level 1... And I sort of feel bad about hopping around and bothering the person staying below me. I guess it's only 25 minutes.. So no big deal. Miranda said its awesome im sticking to this away from home. I think i could only do this away!! If I were at home, I'm be embarrassed if my roommate walked in on me. Silly, I know. On day 9 I remeasured and I am definitely smaller. Weight up, waist down??? Weird. Lets not pretend its muscle mass... 20 minutes a day isn't going to cause that. I need to get my eating under control... And maybe up my cardio. I was doing 400 cals of cardio before 30DS, but it's hard with the work load and timing. The other ppl in my group do the gym in the AM. first, I don't want to run into them, and it's the only time to talk to the boyfriend. I can do 20 minutes of shred, but the gym as well would be too much.
Speaking of boyfriend... I miss him. And I'm upset with him. We talk every morning, which is his night. And we are reading a book called "the five love languages." We read a few chapters each week and talk Thursday morning. I know he doesn't want to read it, but it's important to me to find out if our problems are just language barriers, or something deeper. Anyway, I called him this morning and he was asleep. He had a long day and fell asleep in the couch. Needless to say he hadn't read his chapters and didn't want to chat. When we hung up I cried. I felt abandoned. That might seem silly, a maybe it is... But it's the only time we get to talk and I had stayed up late to finish my reading, which didn't even matter.
Do I care more than he does? Or does he not understand what is important to me.... Not able to speak my love language?

Today I doubled up on 30DS to get back on track. I decided on 27 day shred would be best, so that's nine days at each level. I did day 9 and 10 back to back and got to see the new level! Ouch!! There is more jumping around... I'm a little stressed about that given I'm in a hotel.
In other news, I am visiting the Taj Mahal this weekend!!

30 Day Shred Day 5 was a bust... instead I woke up this morning (morning of day 6) to do it.  I will try to do it again tonight to keep up, but it's Friday, so we'll see.  The other option could be twice on Saturday or twice on Sunday.    Maybe I need to commit to doing it in the mornings instead of trying to do it after work and dinner.  We've been working hard to get ready for training, so I'm exhausted by the time I get home.  Last night, we ate dinner at the hotel restaurant and I had a glass of wine... which meant I was done for.  So exhausted after I got back to my room.

I emailed my mom to see if she wanted to skype... she said no!!  WTF?????  Anyone else have strange parents?

well... thats it really.  Haven't been eating well with all the candy in the office, but I'm going to quit that starting today.  Its not a good habit. AT ALL.

Yesterday we went to dinner as a group at the hotel restaurant, and when I got back I just couldn't bring myself to do 30DS.  It was only 9pm, but I was exhausted.  The worst part was I didn't even sleep well.  I kept waking up for no reason.  Maybe it's my malaria medication?  I've heard it gives you really messed up dreams.

Anyway, I did Day 3 when i woke up, and I just finished Day 4 tonight... so I'm still on track.  I do only have 24 full days left here... so I was thinking maybe I should do a 27 day shred instead of 30.  I would do 9 days on level 1, 9 on level 2, and 9 on level 3.  The other option is to do 10, 10, and 7 (technically I could squeeze in another one on my last day, so 8).  Thoughts?

So, it looks like we wont be able to go to Taj Mahal.  This weekend and next weekend are the only ones we aren't in training, but we are falling behind, so I think next weekend might be a bust.  I hope thats not the case... I really want to go!!  This weekend we are having one of the HR girls take us shopping!!  I hope she doesnt mind "working" on a Saturday.  Ehh, we probably pay her to tote us around.

So.... more pictures:

30 DS day 2 was no easier!  I guess I didn't expect it to be.  Won't I get bored with this doing it for 10 days straight until I move on to Level 2?  I guess you could do anything for 10 days.  I mean technically, I do the elliptical all the time.... same thing right?

Did 45ish minutes of Cardio, and then 30DS... but I also ordered room service for dinner (yummm pizza and wine).  Today was the first day at the office, and work was tedious and very busy, but I feel good about the progress.  The office brings in cafeteria food every day... Indian stuff like... I have no idea.  Yellow stuff.  It was good... but it kind of made me feel icky when I got home.  I should probably stick with the power bar.

Stupid girl from St Louis brought a HUGE bag of candy with her... I ate too much of that, so I wouldnt be surprised if I wasn't weighing less tomorrow even with my hard workouts.

On the way to the office I saw LOTS of cows.  So crazy that they are just walking around in the middle of the road.  The traffic here is an absolute nightmare... I mean I think i could say that 1,000 times and still feel passionate about it.  i saw a little kid riding a bike, and then a smaller kid sitting above the back wheel.  Where are their parents?!!?  Obviously, its just a different way of life.  Not something I could easily get used to.

One last thing... I think I'm alergic to the water.  I obviously cant drink it, but I think I've gotten some in my nose during my shower, and then my throat has been super sore and sneezing a lot.  I should have brought nose plugs.  Oh well.

Just a quick update on my 1st day of 30 Day Shred.

Ummm... hard.  It's 20 minutes, so I assumed that meant it would be easy... at least sort of easy.  But there is no stopping for the entire 20 minutes, and so I think that coupled with cardio, I'll see some good results.  I did do my measurements, but I sort of dont want to share them, in case I fail.  Maybe I'll just do "before and after" on Day 28, which is the day before I go home.


Went to Thai restaurant for dinner.  I ate Chinese-ish food... Dim Sum, fried rice, and some crispy chicken.  Never order anything with the word crispy.  I know this... but I still did it!

Tomorrow is the first day of real work!  Hopefully it goes well

India!!

I want to fly first class for the rest of my life.  The ONLY bad part is that they give you food and alcohol nonstop.  Even when I slept through a meal, I woke up, asked for a soda, and received a snack too.  So lets just say the first day I didn't do so hot with my calories.

I've been here about 3 days- my hotel is absolutely beautiful.  Very high-end... but old.  They are doing renovations everywhere.  Yesterday I woke up from a nap to the smell of paint and had to request to move rooms.  The culture here is so different.  I'm not used to being waited on.  My doorbell rings every hour with someone bringing me fruit or chocolate or wanted to turn my bed down.  Its pretty amazing. 

The gym is amazing too.  Well.. I guess I wouldn't say amazing... it doesn't have the machines I'm used to, but they have touch screens and you can watch tv or play games or plug in your ipod and it will read your playlists for you.  Very neat.  I played sudoku today :)  Saturday/Sunday I did 400 calories on the elliptical type machine, which was about 50 minutes.  Saturday I then walked 2 miles, and Sunday I walked 1.

I was hoping to be more afraid of the food.  I know that sounds backwards... but my goal is to drop about 10 lbs while I'm here... and I've not been eating A LOT, but I've been trying all sorts of new stuff, which isn't helping my cause.  I am afraid of the water for sure... I got some in my nose in the shower and now I feel sickish.  Just have a sore through and need to blow my nose a lot.

Since I'm here for about 30 days.. I was thinking about starting the 30 day shred.  I wouldnt be able to fnish it, but I'd get pretty close.  I already did my workout for today, but maybe if I don't drink too much at dinner I can do that when I come home.  I don't have weights though... maybe water bottles will work?


Pouring down rain.  What a nice time for a nap

See pictures below

I'm headed to India tonight.  I'm going to be there for a whole month.  Do you think I'll be able to lose weight while I'm there?  I certainly hope so.  I've been kind of bad recently... I mean.. super bad.  You can't eat beef in India, so I've been stuffing my face with burgers and steak.  Ugh.  I don't want to weigh myself before I go.   I really need to lose weight while I'm there.  All food is free for me... someone will pay for my breakfast lunch and dinner if I want them to.  A lot of my coworkers are afraid to eat there... so maybe I just need to fall into that category.  I'll have a gym, and my computer so I can watch Insanity whenever.  I just need to DO it.  I just need to decide that what i want is HEALTH.... not SUGAR. The candy that I've been eating doesnt make me feel good.  It doesn't taste good enough to ruin my progress.  But I forget that a lot....

So, I'll try to keep you all updated on my progress

Just recently discovered blogilates. I'm on my phone do I can't post a link but this girl named Cassey is amazing. She has a website, a YouTube channel, a clothing line, and posts very frequently. She has a slim down meal plan that I want to try... But I'm afraid to start because I always fail. I do like her YouTube videos... They are short and I'm able to do a few at a time. Super sore today from calf raises and candle dippers. Check out her song challenges for a good workout!!

I've purged three times since I've been in Chicago. It's just to hard to avoid the food catered in. How am I supposed to say "no I'm just going to sit in the restaurant without eating Chicago deep dish. "? You can't. Purging isn't a good option, but its better than nothing I guess. Big bad weekend ahead. Brother is coming to visit me and we are going to a weekend concert. Yay

In Chicago for work... Catered breakfast and lunch yesterday... And I ate half a muffin and a burrito. Not good. And we hardly got up at all... My butt hurt!! After work I did go take a walk, I think it was about an hour, maybe a little less. That was nice. I'm sure I didn't burn a ton of calories but at least I didn't stay immobile the whole day. We had filet for dinner... I only are half of mine, but I did have two potatoes and a very large glass of wine. Today I'm going to have a zone bar for breakfast... Because I can't imagine anything catered in will be healthy.

One small step at a time seems to be working for me. I got rid of what I gained over the weekend and I'm even a little under last Fridays weight. I need to do a good job of portion control this weekend. Next week I'm traveling which means breakfast lunch and dinner catered or at a restaurant every day. Fruit, salad, yogurt, chicken. That's what I'll try to stick to!
I'm about to go for a short run before dinner and a movie tonight. No popcorn for me!!

I binged all weekend. It was like in slow motion. I watched myself doing it screaming inside my head "nooooooooo" but I didnt stop. I feel like I probably ruined all of last weeks progress in 2 days. How unfair is that... I restrict for 5 days, and then 2 days I'm bad, which ruins everything. I don't want to step on the scale this morning. I'm going to because I deserve to know what happens when you treat your body like crap.

Sitting in a breakfast meeting at work and NOT HAVING ANY of the sausage biscuits etc. I've been sooo good this week- not screwing up!

Fall.  Football. Chips and Guac.  Beer. Cheese Dip. Burgers.  Labor Day.  How fun.

Luckily for me, the boyfriend has to work all day, so we are NOT at a cookout.  Unluckily for me, I'm holed up with a pesky UTI and I've been feeling super sluggish.  I managed to go to the gym and walk for an hour after watching 5 hours of television... jeez.

Did you know that 1 corn chip has 1 gram of fat in it?  Doesn't that make you sick?  It makes me never ever want to eat chips and guac again.  But... that's possibly my favorite snack ever. 

Seems like holidays are the time for cheat days. Is that how everyone else feels? Temptation is the devil, in my opinion...it's hard to constantly say no and leave it all up to willpower. If you're ready to make your healthy lifestyle a priority, you've got to start with a strong foundation. Indulgences are necessary from time to time, but staying committed to a routine will help habits stick for long-term success.

I need to:
1. make goals
2. schedule workouts.  This is a big one for me.  I can ALWAYS find time to do something else.
3. plan ahead.  I need to make my lunch before bed, or know that I have a Zone bar waiting for me at the office.  I don't need to get caught off guard by the people who ask me if I want to take a walk to grab a bite, beer, etc.

I'm going to spend a few minutes right now and plan the next weeks workouts.  I know my calendar fills up quickly, so this is a great idea for me.

Have a good day!!!!

I just read in Women's Health about a study showing for each hour of television watched after age 25, your life expectancy goes down by 22 minutes!!! How do they figure this stuff out. At least I read it while I was on the elliptical! It was talking about sitting disease... Sitting all day is part of the American way... I'm sitting while I type this, I sit all day at work, when I eat, make phone calls, drive, everything! One thing the article also said is that sitting on fat cells can cause them to multiply! Gahhhh! Obviously now I am standing! I weighed in Monday morning and it wasn't pretty, so I buckled down and had a misto and a zone bar for breakfast an lunch. Went to happy hour with friends and had chips an guac... Not good, but still under budget calorie wise. I'm headed to work soon, and I plan on having a slim fast and a zone bar today. Gotta keep this up!!

I cannot even begin to explain to you what kind of crap I ate this weekend while BF was visiting with my family.  Its like I reverted to being a kid again and stuffed my face with food as if I would never see it again.  It was truely disgusting.  I wanted to show BF all the great things about the city I grew up in.  Namely.. the food.  I did work out every day... but the damage is definitely done.  Im going to wear jeans on the plane tomorrow that are a little too small as punishment to myself.  I also saw a blog posting of a huge pile of fruit.  It was so much and looked so good that I think i could have that for lunch every day for the rest of the week if I put my mind to making it.  I need to fast... I need to take adderall every day like my doctor tells me, and use it for the good of my growing thighs.Today I feel like my legs are the size of a fat persons legs... how depressing.  Anyway.  I'll be good this week. 

Measurements from a few weeks ago

Hips: 41
Waist: 28.75
Calf: 15.5
Chest: 33.5
Thigh (above knee): 17.75
Upper Arm: 11.75

Measurements today

Hips: 39.5
Waist: 27.5
Calf: 15.5
Chest: I didn't measure
Thigh (above knee): 17.5
Upper Arm: 11.75 

Wow.  Real Improvement.  I need to keep this up!!

I'm seriously stressed about how much weight I have gained since I've been in Phoenix.  I leave tomorrow morning and I just can't deal with the thought I might have put on 5 lbs.  I did the math... 12 days putting on 5 lbs means I would have had to eat an extra 1400 calories every day, on top of what I burned during insanity.  I could see if it was an extra 500 each day.... thats about 2 lbs.  OMG yuck.  Is my stomach protruding a little bit more than when I came?  Or is it just me being critical.  I feel like my wrists might be smaller.  Is that possible?  Not that I've ever noticed my wrists before.  This is becoming dangerous.  I need to stop obsessing.  NOW.

Nothing to report.  I've been doing insanity or cardio at the gym every day, but I've been eating a ton of junk.  I hate that when it's sitting around, I put it into my mouth.  I know I'm not hungry, but I just cant stop.  At least today when dinner got brought in, I put some on my plate, I ate a bite of each thing, and then threw away the rest.  It wasn't that good, and it wasn't worth the calories.  Instead I had a banana and an avocado.  Way better than mac and cheese and pulled pork, right??

They are bringing in Baja Fresh tomorrow, and I looked on the menu to order the healthiest thing they had (chicken salad).  On Thursday they are bringing in chinese.  I opted not to order.  I will eat my zone bar.  Not worth it.

Not a lot going on with me.  I'm still in Phoenix for work.  Kind of weird being away from home over the weekend for work, but I survived.  I worked a little bit yesterday, and then just lounged/read/watched the OC today.  I've never seen the OC.  Not sure why I wasn't into it in college... but I figured I'd be a little bored here and so I've been watching it on and off.  Shark Week starts today though, so I may hold off on OC so I can watch in horror all the scary shark shows.

I've been doing Insanity almost every day.  It is so freaking hard.  Like, dripping in sweat during the warm up, and having to stop before every exercise is over.  I wish that my body would show some progress given I've been working out so hard, but it's really difficult to eat healthy while traveling.  Usually I order a salad when we go out to lunch or dinner, but last week, we had lunch catered every day, so I had to take what I could get.  This coming week, we're having lunch and dinner catered so we can work longer hours.  YUCK.  I have plenty of zone bars..... but not plenty of self control.  It's too easy to grab a handful of M&Ms when everyone else is doing it.  I need to remember that in order to get what I want, I have to work for it.  Yes my butt is sore from 1,000 squats, and yes I've been sleeping well after my intense workouts, but if I ruin it with chips or candy, what's the point, right?

The new job is going great.  It's really hard to think outside the box.  I'm so used to doing tax returns, knowing that there is 1 right answer I have to get to.  Consulting means there are so many right answers, I just have to figure out what the right answer is for a specific situation.  It's totally out of my comfort zone.  Anyway.. I'm sure no one wants to hear about that.  I'm glad that Reese and Harlow are back... I missed them both!

To note for next time: when parking at the office and taking the train to the airport, remember not to wear heels, or do your hair, or wear makeup. It may only be 2 blocks and it may still be dark outside, but you shouldn't underestimate the affect nerves can have on sweat glands. I feel bad for the person next to me on the airplane.

When food is put in front of me... I eat it. How do you all handle that situation? Lunch gets brought in... What do you do?

So... A new job starting today which means lots of traveling... And hopefully lots of stories about my airport exercises and my hotel room yoga! I'm in Boston this week, and I've done Insanity for the last two days. Well, let me tell you... it is insane. Dripping in sweat in a tiny corner of my tiny room... But I'm doing it so that's what matters. I think the next few months will test me, and I definitely hope I win. A lot of traveling means a lot of time sitting, being exhausted with time changes, and working extra hours. On the plus side, when I'm by myself I don't have to eat. I don't have to go to the boyfriends house after work instead of hitting the gym. I guess I just need to have that willpower. I'm with a big team so we've gone to dinner both nights this week...and I haven't opted for salads. I hate to admit this, but I've purged after I got back both nights. I guess if I can't admit it here... Who do I tell? I'd rather have the willpower and not the afterthought purge. Time will tell!!!

So frustrated with myself... Last night I had a mini binge. We got out salary increase amounts for the coming year and I wa not very happy with mine. I then decided to have tons of candy, and a rice krispee treat. Yum. I decided that was it for the day. I hit my calories and I ate things I shouldn't have... Which was my fault. I went to the gym after work (Zumba... Hard!!!) wand I came home with the best intentions.... And then proceeded to have a huge pasta dish. Needless to say, with the pasta sitting in my belly this morning, I didn't see another weight loss on the scale :(

Going to see dark knight with boyfriends tonight!! Ive convinced him we are getting salad before hand, not tin drum!!!

Calorie counting is going relatively well. I'm definitely losing weight but it is really slow. Do you ever wish you could have a redo? Like... If the gods just put me back at 124. I would never screw it up. I would cherish it an make sure I never gained the weight again. But that's probably not true... Bc if I truly felt like that I would be losing weight quickly. I was at the airport last Friday and was behind the smallest girl in the world. She was real life thinspo. I was so jealous and it really made me want that. I'm going to count calories every day... Even on the weekends. And go to the gym!
Also, I have been stalking this woman in the Junior League. She is absolutely beautiful, and last year we were both provisional advisors... I never actually talked to her, but I couldn't stop staring at her ring... The size of an ice skating rink. She wasn't at the advisor meeting last night, so I looked up her new placement and she is a district advisor. That means she will host meetings at her house. Jealousy really wants to transfer into her district so I can see it. Always wanting the things I don't have :)

I've been counting calories for real. I feel like this is "for real" because I'm literally counting them all... not just the ones that aren't bad for you, not just the ones that I remember.  I'm counting the little piece of candy and the extra bite of pasta, etc.  I've realized that I am not eating terribly, but that I'm not burning enough calories each day to see a significant drop in weight, even when I'm exercising.  I am eating 1600 calories a day, which is just too many.  So annoying.  I'm doing my best!  But I guess this isn't my best.... best would be not having that extra cheese stick, or eating a skinny cow EVERY night.  I also have my period... or i will soon, and I am feeling very whiny and like the world is against me.  I freaked out on the bf yesterday... all because I had a bad dream that he broke up with me.  He didn't give me a reassuring response when I told him, and then I got super insecure and we spent the whole day fighting.  Yuck.

Oh goodness... I was wrong

Hips: 41
Waist: 28.75
Calf: 15.5
Chest: 33.5
Thigh (above knee): 17.75
Upper Arm: 11.75

So I was wondering what my body fat percentage, and i looked up a few body fat calculators online.  They called for my waist measurement, and so I typed in 25.  And then I thought... hmmm, I should measure, its been a while since I did.  TWENTY SEVEN!  NOT 25!  See... this is my problem!  I can't see myself growing.  I found a blog post where I was a 25 waist and a 37 hip... in February of 2008!  Haha.  Now, 27 waist and 39 hip.  I weighed 137 in 2008, and now I'm closer to 147.  I find my craziness interesting.  I know I've gained weight since college, but why in the world would I think I haven't increased in size?  I am going to post my inches currently as soon as I can, but here are my inches from before.  I think this will be my goal

     Chest: 32
     Waist: 26.5
     Hips: 37
     Thighs:22.5
     Calves: 15.5
     Upper Arms: 11
     Forearms: 9.5

What bothers me so much is that I have been blogging forever. At least a couple of years. And yet, I have seen absolutely no long term progress. I guess in college I had a few good months... But that was 3 years ago!!!! It just really kills me that this is my "obsession" and I can't do it right. Or even close to right. Ugh... So depressing. I started noticing my thighs touch together when I walk. I'm sure they always have, but something has changed bc I'm noticing it more now. Getting bigger and bigger.
I have started leaving work early to go to the gym. I'm kind of over my old job, especially since I'll be in a new position in August. And I've got to get this eating under control!!!

The blogosphere is awfully quiet these days. I like to read about others successes and struggles because it's so motivating... But maybe I need to participate a little more :)
Nothing really going on with me. Phoenix was not good to my body, even though I exercised every day. I'm really losing faith... As always. I'm sort of thinking I should just give up food in general. Today I had coffee and soup and an apple, then left over Kung pao chicken for dinner. I also left work early and did a spin class and a weight class. Definitely going to sleep well tonight!!

Well, I cut out the almonds but I was still not seeing any results. I'm really not sure why. It seems so odd because I've read that low carb HAS to work. one thing that was suggested is I cut out any salads or vegetables I was eating to force my body into ketosis. That seems pretty extreme. Only meat all the time til I start dropping? Yuck. I don't really have any ideas other than that. Either just give it up and start a low cal diet, or keep going even though I'm not seeing results and hope my body kicks into gear. Hmm... Stressful. Also, I need to recommit to the gym. For a while I was doing HIIT but as always, I started makin excuses when it got hard and gave up. Well, technically I just decided to start over and I moved all the days on my calendar... But somehow they got deleted and I haven't gone back to the website again to write them down. I did run 2 miles on Saturday which shocked my body.. I should do that more often.

In other news, I got a new job!! I'll still be working at the same company, but instead of being kneedeep in tax returns all year, I'll be on the internal side, training the offices in the Southeast on how to use our new outsourcing capabilities. I'm actually on a plane to Phoenix this morning for training. I really hope I like the new position... It should give me less hours and an opportunity to travel. I'm hoping more time means more time at the gym and more time to cook healthy foods! While I'm in Phoenix I'm going to try to stay on Eastern time.... Ideally I'll wake up early for the gym every day.

So... I am doing what I think is hardcore lowcarb... but it is NOT working.  Daily diet:
Breakfast- 5 sausage links
Snack- handful of almonds
Lunch- Salad with Chicken
Snack- low carb yogurt, string cheese, almonds
Dinner- Hot Dogs


My thought is that a) the almonds I am eating have too many carbs... or more likely I'm eating more like 2.5 servings and not 1 which is throwing it off b) that's really the only thing I can think of.. because I don't cheat anywhere else.  It's just so frustrating because I've been eating like this for an entire week and lost a few lbs, but by the end of the weekend, with a tiny bit of cheating, I ended up right where I started.  I guess to lose 3 lbs in a week is an accomplishment and I shouldn't say it's no big deal... the big deal is when I'm gaining it back not making smart decisions.

Saturday was a wedding, and I ate low carb throughout the entire day until we had shrimp & grits, a tiny bite of cake, and lemonade
Sunday was more of a mess... dinner was at a cuban restaurant with empanadas and lots of corn based food.  Maybe my weight this morning is just holding onto those carbs, and after the gym tonight I'll be doing a lot better.

I feel like I'm really being seriously about this weight loss journey, and that's why its hard not to see results.  When I hear the girls say "oh i don't fit into my old wedding dress woe is me, i can't bring myself to exercise and i eat fast food every day" i do not feel bad for them... because they are making a conscious choice to stay large.  I am trying super hard... and its not working, which kills me.  I am going to give it another week... and if I am not seeing the results I want, I plan to go to a little to no food diet.

Oh, and also... I have to go to the dentist today.  it completely freaks me out.  Anyone else feel that way?  I had a panic attack in the middle of the night about that, weight gain, and jury duty.  Ugh.

I have been making excuses. Too tired to run, too many plans to keep low carb... It's never ending. I went to NYC this weekend. Of course I didn't keep low carb. Next weekend is a wedding. What about then? I feel like regardless of how much I want this, I want the social fun part of life more.
My body has made it pretty clear that slacking off 3 days a week isn't going to work. I need to rededicate myself and put my body first. Weekends aren't breaks until I reach my goal. Weddings aren't excuses. It's definitely challenging... But what isn't??

Net carb thought...

Net carb thought... Could you get something really carby...like ice cream, and then put a lot of fiber powder in it to lower the "net carbs"?

HIIT and memorial day weekend

At the pool right now, enjoying my Monday off! I just completed my 3rd HIIT run (2 per week) of 60 seconds running at 9mph 9 times. I definitely thought I would throw up about half way through. My legs are burning right now, but I guess that's the point of high intensity exercises! I really want to go to my favorite spin class tonight, but I may be too tired.
I've gained back about a half a pound this weekend not eating low carb, but that's not a big deal, and I'm back on the bandwagon this week. Obviously it's not as effective for any diet to break on the weekend, but will it be a big deal for low carb since ketone levels will change? Maybe I need to do some research instead of just asking questions.
I am up for a new job at work and just had one of my bosses tell me it would be a huge career mistake to take it. I've heard her give this speech to other ppl she doesn't want to lose. She made some good points, and while she was talking I agreed with her, but actually thinking about it, I would love this job, and be good at it, and I'm young enough to try something new. I'm definitely taking the job if I get it.

HIIT and low carb day 4

My 2nd HIIT session today. I was so close to not doing it because I pulled a muscle in my groin during spin class yesterday... Not sure how that's possible. Today was 90 seconds of sprinting at 70%. I'm kind of taking the approach that 20% would be walking slowly at 2mph, 50% would be jogging at 5mph, etc, so I ran at 7... Which is not exactly a sprint. In fact, it's really not that fast at all. But hey, I sweat and I was tired, so it works for me.
I've been sticking with the diet... But can someone explain to me net carbs? I did some research and I understand how they are calculated, but when you count carbs, which number do you use? Ive been counting regular, and today I had stirfry for lunch, which pushed me up to 90gr. I didn't have rice or noodles, and I can't imagine veggies would increase your blood sugar significantly but I'm just not educated on the subject. Down to 146.7 this morning. Looking forward to being in the 130s soon.

Low Carb day 2 and a rant

I ate pretty much the same thing today as yesterday. Chicken Salad, almonds, chicken parm and spaghetti squash. I also had sausage for breakfast... Yum I really wanted some cookies, but hopefully the sweets cravings will go away soon.
Now to the rant. My boyfriend is being an ass. We have a wedding for a good friend of his next weekend. He was iffy about whether I should come because I won't know anyone... Or maybe because he wants to spend time with friends. Either way, he finally decided he would like me to come, but said he was thinking about hanging out with his buddies after the reception. So, I made plans to see a girlfriend afterwards, and now he's so mad because.... I don't know why... Because he doesn't have concrete plans and if it falls through I'll be having fun and he will be alone?? So I said fine, I'll cancel, but then I expect that you won't have plans afterwards. Haha he couldn't agree to that. What is wrong with people!!! Selfish. Surely it was just a bad day. I will talk to him tomorrow and I hope he will apologize.

HIIT and low carb day 1

Ouch. I ran 60 seconds at 8mph 8 times with a 60 second break in between. Halfway through I has to take a 3 minute break. The remaining 4 rubs had me feeling like i would vomit each time i finished. I had planned to go to a weight class tmw morning but I can tell I'm going to be feeling it, as my hips are already so sore.

Food- breakfast had an Atkins shake, and almonds. Lunch was handmade chicken salad. I couldnt figure out te exact carbs br I can't imagine it's much. More almonds, and then chicken Parm with spaghetti squash for dinner. The chicken wasn't breaded, so the carbiest thing was the tomato sauce. Still not bad. Definitely ended the day under 75, but possibly under 50. Weight was 151.2, which is terribly depressing, but that's why I'm doing this.

Tmw have plans to go on a walk after work. Have chicken salad and leftover dinner for meals.

Edit: Miranda- high intensity interval training. You can do it on any machine... But the goal is to go 100% followed by a recovery. Studies show that 8 minutes of high intensity cardio is more effective than an hour of moderate intensity because your heart rate stays up, and you breathe a lot more air for the next 24 hours

5 week HIIT

I'll be doing HIIT for the next 5 weeks and also sticking to. Low carb diet Monday breakfast through Friday lunch.
Here are my measurements:
... Actually I will not be posting my measurements because it looks like I have misplaced my tape measure. It's usually with my bathing suits. Logical... I know. I will post a picture taken yesterday, I'll let you all know how my first session goes tomorrow night!

i am drunk so no one should listen to me....
firstly... when someone comes over to visit your cat when you're out of town and uses your computer and doesn't log off... are you entitled to go through their e-mail?  i feel like you are.  not that there was anything bad.. just that i feel like they are giving you permission.  i have my computer unlocked, but you can't log in as me without entering a master password that is different than all my other passwords... thats why i have no problem with anyone using my computer while I'm not around.

secondly... i haven't blogged in forever because I have been in Australia on vacation!  during which time, i gained back all the weight I lost during my 2 weeks of low carb.  I flew back today, and was planning to fast the entire day, but it didnt happen, and my boyfriend left me a bottle of wine in my fridge, and I guess because of the time change a glass didnt put me to sleep, and before i knew it i had almost finished it all!!

but.. I have had fun on vacation eating chips and candy and lots of alcohol, and now the dedication to my  body begins.  Has anyone done HIIT?  That is what I think I'm going to focus on, unless anyone has better suggestions.

I want to be Katie Cassidy

Last week I started to write a post about how low carb diet was the best thing that ever happened to me ever ever ever.. and then the boy called and I got distracted.  And now its Monday morning, and after a weekend of carb eating... I don't feel as good about myself, but I'm ready to jump back on the low carb wagon and give it another go.  I lost almost 5 lbs last week during my low carb eating.  I ate a lot of almonds, veggies, and fatty things like chicken salad.  I made frittatas in muffin tins, and ate 2 every day.  Surprisingly delicious, and filling!  It was amazing to not be hungry all the time... although by Wednesday I was wanting to munch a lot more.  This week I am incorporating a lot of exercise into my daily routine.  Now that busy season at work is over, I should have more time for a life.  I am going to Australia next week for 2 weeks... I can't wait.  We are going to have so much fun... but I'm also supposed to be moving while I'm gone, and that is a little stressful!  I don't feel like I have the time to pack everything up before I go... but I'll do my best.. we'll see.

I'm hopping on the low carb train with Miranda. Why not? It works. I had my goodbye carb meal on Sunday at a Mexican place, and now I'm off! Goal, like Miranda, is 50 grams, but yesterday I hit 61 and I'm ok with that. Today is tax day... So my job should lighten up for a few months. I'm on my way to Australia in a few weeks, and I'm moving shortly after I get back. Goal for me is to see the inside of a gym more than never, and to start taking spin classes again! Perhaps I can also become a blogger again instead of just a silent follower.

I know no one wants to hear me whine and complain about my relationship troubles. I know in my head that he is definitely not ready for me... But my heart misses him so much. I just want to find him and hug him and never let go. I want to work through this and show him that we are meant to be together. But I don't know if he feels the same way... I guess I'll have to wait and see

i have been surviving pretty well since Sunday.  granted, I've been working from 8-10 every single day, so I don't have much of a chance to go be sad or freaked out that my life is completely changing.  he's still in birmingham on a client, so it's not as if this week has been much different than normal.  usually we would talk during the day, but he had been pretty distant in the end, so it doesn't seem strange that i don't speak with him.  he has tried to IM me a couple of times.  he has nothing substantial to say... obviously just lonely and looking for attention.  i am definitely not the right person to give him that.  he'll ask me how i am, tell me about his blood type, etc etc.  i just tell him he should talk to someone who wants to listen, and to leave me alone.  i tried to convey to him that the only thing i really want to hear is how he is madly in love with me and how he has made the biggest mistake of his life.   not that i would believe him... and i think he's seen how angry i am that he won't pull another shit head move like that.  honestly... i just don't want much to do with him.  i don't deserve it.  you can't treat me that way and get away with it.... well, he can it seems.. but not ANOTHER time.  the ONLY way i would consider a reconciliation is if there was a huge grand gesture that came along with the "i love you"... and if any of that came any time in the next 2 months, i would completely ignore it.  regardless... i think its over.  you know if you know. and if you're unsure... you're obviously not in love.  moving on.

not easy i guess... because this evening i binged on a quesadilla and beer and onion rings.. and then as soon as i came home i purged.  so awful.  it is such a good stress release, but its not who i am and not who i want to be

My boyfriend of 9 months told me he wasn't sure if he loved me or if we had a future together. This is not the first time he has pulled this bullshit. Last time he said tr same thing, ad a few days later told me he truly loved me and just didn't realize it. Now he's telling me he just said that so i wouldnt leave him. What an ass. Wants me around while he figures it all out... But what if he NEVER falls? Then I'm stuck loving someone who doesn't love me back and have wasted all my time. He doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to him, but he has finally gotten the hint and stopped calling/ texting. Most of me wishes he would keep calling and telling me how miserable he is, but I know I'm just clinging to some crazy hope that probably doesn't exist. I hope that in a few weeks he will realize that I was great and perfect, and then we can resume talking. Even if that does happen, I can't trust that he truly means it, since he has used his words so selfishly before.
So that's what I'm dealing with. And it's not fun.

Just because it's the weekend doesn't mean it's time to give up. I still need to count and be good if I want to lose

Just a quick thought to start the day... I stayed at work last night until 10:30. I didn't get dinner while I was there, but did munch on some carrots. When I got home, I could have gone straight to bed, but instead I went into the kitchen and made some mozzarella sticks. Why? Does this mean I'm not disordered? Or am I just not trying hard enough to lose the weight? I know I care... I guess the question is how much....
In other news, my therapist says my antidepressant is known to cause weight gain. Angst free, or thin??

So even though its busy season I'm getting serious about weight loss.  I read something that said if you really want it, you'll do whatever it takes to get it it... and if you don't, you'll make excuses.  And I've been making excuses for a year.  Not cool.  I want to drop 15 lbs.  I want to live a healthy lifestyle.  And even though I can't exercise much right now because of my crazy work schedule.... I can control what goes into my mouth.  AND... its going to be fruits, vegetables, and protein!  No more chocolate and candy and comfort foods.  I started counting calories again on Saturday, and I'm going to keep it up.  No excuses.  No failing.  Chips taste so good while you're eating them.. not so much when they become a 3rd hip.

I'm going to post more.  At least try to post more... obviously something I havent been good at recently.

Ahhhh busy season once again. Left the office on Monday at 9:30 and got in at 7 Tuesday. Didn't get home last night til 10:30. 15 hour dayyyyy! I've been living on Ritalin this week and am almost down 4 lbs. I have been eating, but it's just not enough. For instance yesterday I had a chicken salad sandwich without the bread, and a cookie. I ate some candy too. Today will be better. If I'm going to eat, it's going to have nutritional value. But hopefully just no eating

I've been eating very well.. but i just cant bring myself to count the calories... WHY?


B: Cereal with Milk (granted, it wasnt the best cereal.. but oh well)
L: Sandwich with Turkey, Goat Cheese, Pesto, and Lettuce.  Oh, and chips.  Maybe 800 cals total
S: Watermelon
D: STUPID PIZZA.  Only 2 slices... and a beer.  If I hadn't gone to meet my boyfriend, I would have lost this morning.  That kills me.  I was planning to go home from spin class and not eat... or have more cereal.

Ugh.  I dont like gaining weight!

I've had my period all week so I haven't wanted to step on the scale... I have been keeping up with the exercise though!!  Running is getting easier- still not fun and I still can't run for long periods of time, but I usually do about 2-2.5 miles at a time.  Food wise I've been pretty healthy, except for this stupid cake in the breakroom my coworker brought in.  Two pieces monday and tuesday!  No wonder I wasn't hungry for any snacks on Monday.. and last night all I had was almonds and some of the disgusting cookies I baked.
I have somehow become very very poor.  Like... overdrafting at the end of the month type poor.  I am going to avoid any sort of eating out this month, and I'm not going to get my nails done either.  OR buy groupons.  Thats what kills me!! I am so eager to pay off my car I've been putting way too much money each month towards it... I'm so close!  Maybe I need to cut back there as well.  An extra month of interest probably wont kill me.  I also put a trip to Australia on my credit card... so I'd like to pay that off soon too. Leaving in April!

Yesterday I ate exactly what I burned. No good. I did run 2.5 miles though!!! Go me! Stupid Chipotle for dinner... Would have just had a slim fast if I wasn't picking up for the boyfriend. I'm supposed to go out to lunch and dinner today.... Salad and Moes. I'll be healthy at salad place... Moes I could do better. At least I get my burrito in a bowl. Today is a slimfast for breakfast, a smoothie for snack, salad for lunch, a yogurt for snack, and moes for dinner. Wonder if I'll have time to work out??

Didn't have my smoothie, and only had half my banana. I did, however, have a bag of chips, and a few mini snickers. Ugh. Boo me. 200 cal deficit so at least thats something. Tomorrow im going to do a weight class in the morning before a doctors appointment, and then go to spin class after work. As far as food for tomorrow:
B- slim fast
S- berries
L- lean cuisine/ peppers with hummus
S- yogurt
D- soup

Monday:
B- cereal with milk
S- berries
L- healthy choice frozen meal/banana
S- 1/2 bolt house smoothie
D- slim fast

Need to be good this week. Have a pizza date on Friday and I want to deserve it. I just bought lots of healthy food, so I just need to eat it!!

I pulled a muscle in my hip or butt... Either doing yoga or running. I can't think that it was yoga, but u ran the day before and my right side ached. After yoga, my left hip throbbed and it hurts to walk or lay on my left side. I obviously want this to heal before I go running again, but how long will that be?

ahhhh i am so mad!! i was so good yesterday!  i had pear, banana, tilapia (instead of the salad, but pretty healthy), and carrots with hummus and cherries for dinner.  Could NOT have eaten more than 1,000 calories.  I went to the gym this morning, and now that I'm home I weigh 150.something!!! WHAT?  Please tell me that its because I drank a liter of water while working out?  A liter weighs like 2 lbs... so does that mean I weigh 148? UGH I'm so mad.  Whatever.  I'm going to keep it up and eat healthy all week

Planning. I need to do it or I won't succeed. Can't just say "eat less" and hope it works. So today:
Banana + pear
Salad when we go out to lunch (dressing on side)
Fruit smoothie as afternoon snack.

Dinner is tricky. I'm going to a meeting where there is sure to be food. Will I be so hungry I "have to" eat something? I think no, if I stick with my fruits and vegetables today I'll be all set. I'll come home and have carrots with hummus before bed.

In other news, did I mention my new years resolution is to run 200 miles? Right now I'm at 7.6! Ahead of schedule. My small goal is to work up to 30 minutes straight. I can run a fast mile, but adding time onto that is very hard. My 20 minutes yesterday was torture!

Fruit and veg went well yesterday. So much fiber I felt bloated the entire day. I did run 1.5 miles... Not too bad but I was hoping for two. I can run on a decline for ages, but flat road is so difficult! In bed I has some nuts and crackers, which undoubtedly ruined my deficit. Ugh. Better today I guess

So I start tomorrow.  I decided against the protein unless I feel like dying after the gym (in which case I'll have a handful of mixed nuts).
I bought a ridiculous amount of fruits and veggies-- salsa, avocado, carrots, grapefruit, watermelon, cucumber, squash, and fruit juices by bolthouse farms.  I also bought crackers... which I need to get rid of or hide.. because that is exactly what I am going to reach for after a long day.

Wednesday-grapefruit, carrots, watermelon, pear,frozen veggies, squash, and juice

Happy and fat. Oxymoron? Going to run 200 miles this year as my resolution. Only 197 to go. Bf and I are happy again. Just took the swift kick in the butt for him to figure out having me as a priority in his life did equate to love. He is out of town again, but this time a short trip, so doubt I'll do any crazy restricting. I'm thinking about doing a (not failed) fruit and veg detox this week. BFF thinks I need protein. Other friends think I can handle a week without it. Thoughts?

And I don't say it enough, but I love blogging and all my blogging friends. Thanks for your support!