I'm trying to figure out life on my own. I've spoke to the ex once since I last posted. We are about a month into the breakup. It's gotten a little easier... I'm not crying everyday, just when someone brings it up. I was not eating at all, but I now have my appetite back and am self medicating with food. 

Most of my friends have been lovely and helpful. I have been keeping very busy with dinners and drinks and shopping, but unfortunately it comes with a price. I am waiting for June to come around so I can start fresh! June will be a no shopping month. I don't need to buy clothes, makeup, or household items for 30 days... It shouldn't be that hard! I AM looking for a lamp for my desk, but it can wait. If I find something perfect, I will make an exception. 

Does anyone follow Shannon Ables, author of the Simply Luxurious Life blog? She is a successful, happy and (most importantly to me) single woman. She doesn't have her identity tied up in the search for marriage, like I do. 

One thing she told me (yes I emailed a famous blogger about my love life) is that while part of me is grieving the loss of my bf, I am most likely grieving the loss of the role I thought the relationship was going to play in the journey toward my happiness. Heavy right!? Her advice to me is to stay single and use this time of being on my own as a gift and an opportunity to explore, not to waste it being sad and depressed. But also, to be kind to myself.

I am seeing him again next weekend to pick up the rest of my stuff. I don't have closure so it's hard for me to let go completely, but I think when I don't have any reason to see him again, it will help. I wish I was mad at him, or I wish he had made up his mind definitively. I guess his lack of making up his mind about me kind of IS closure. I want to be with someone who knows he wants to be with me!!

Ugh I am sad. I am ready to stop being sad! 

I am still really heartbroken. Nothing has been resolved and BF and I aren't talking. It's been 19 days... I guess I thought it would take no more than 2 weeks for him to realize what he was giving up, but I guess not. 

I need to accept that I have lost the love in my life, and start working on repairing my heart so I can eventually find a new one!

Before you read: please don't leave me any opinions here. I'm not ready for the world to have opinions about this. I'm just really sad and I need to put it BF backed out of the apartment search this weekend. I feel in my heart that I knew this would happen. Maybe I shouldn't say that because I always assume the worst and it rarely is the case. I guess with this, it is. He said he should want to do this. Even though he is scared he should feel ready, and since he doesn't, something is wrong. I went through some things I talked through in therapy, fear not being in the drivers seat and doing things dispite them being scary. I also told him that I was really hurting because he has had so much time to bring these concerns to me and he has been avoiding the conversation.  And now, it's too late, because I am required to give 30 days notice. I also told him that while I love him to the moon and back and I think he is a great catch, it's important to me that we move forward in our relationship, and I have been patient and accommodating in the past, but now it's time to do what is best for me and move on. He says he understands, but he also says that it's messed up that the choices are "move in or break up." I told him that the worst scenario of moving in is that it doesn't work out and we have to pay money to break the lease... So the only difference between breaking up now, and the worst case scenario is the money, which we both have. I think that made him think differently, but still no commitment. 

In my heart I think want him to realize that a few days without me is no good, and will take action when I disappear and make his regular life uncomfortable. Maybe that will happen, but then I worry we have this same fight and breakup when I want to get engaged, or have kids. Is it worth it? If he comes back this time to tell me he's made a mistake, do I demand a timeline of future events to avoid this happening again? Or should I not even think like that and get my hopes up that he will come around?

I think I am doing the right thing with the mini ultimatum. It's not a "bend to my wishes or else" ultimatum but a "I need to do what's best for me and i want you with me but I'll move on without if I have to" ultimatum. It's just so so so sad. How can you love someone so much and just not be in sync? Why did he let this drag on and on for the last few months knowing it was hurting me? 

I just needed to get this out, and I didn't know who to talk to. 

Thanks for reading. 

Kathryn 

Happy Easter/Passover everyone!!

No days off from work but that's ok. I'm enjoying my chocolate and baked goods and still squeezing in my workouts! Dinner tonight is healthy kabobs!

I went back to the gym for a 2nd weigh in on the scale. 

This time they put my body type in as Athletic instead of Standard. I read up on the difference and I think Athletic is more correct. It is for someone who has exercised for many years, or someone who intensely exercises 10 hours per week, and in both cases has a restring heart rate of less than 60 beats per minute. I have a resting heart rate between 45-55 usually. Anyway the difference is how it calculate body fat %... So I think that's why my drop is so high. 

But anyway, overall in the last 5-6 weeks I'm down 4 lbs, 5% body fat, and have lost 9 lbs of fat mass. I've also gained 5 lbs of fat free mass, 4 lbs of those being total body water. 

The new printout says I only need to lose another 2 lbs to get to 20% bf.... But obviously I want to be smaller than that!

Inspired by Maria Kang, the "what's your excuse?" lady on Facebook, I made myself a 3 month chart. My goals were to lose 10 lbs and run 90 miles. I color coded based on activity

Red=rest Green=run Yellow=kickbox or cardio Orange=bootcamp 

I worked out 56 times in the last 90 days.  I ran 90.4 miles. I lost 10 lbs... (And then after this weekend gained a good portion back. Paying for it now with intense stomach cramps)

Overall, I'm super impressed! 

I finished AdvoCare on Wednesday and had my weigh in yesterday. I made sure to do it at my boyfriends house so I could get an accurate loss. 

What do you think? I can definitely tell a difference here! I started the 10 day challenge at 152.2, obviously very bloated because I never weigh that much, and ended at...... 141.8!!!

I can't remember the last time I saw 141! 

I'm really proud of sticking it through. It was hard but not THAT hard. Now I did have some bread yesterday, and it wasn't life changing, so I think I want to stick with this was of eating for a while. My goal is 140 by the end of the month, and then to maintain for the next 3.

If you're interested in advocare, please use my link here: http://www.advocare.com/130639119

This link supports one of my best friends. 

It's morning of the day five on the cleanse and I have a lot to report. 

On Day 2 I ate:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: unsalted cashews and a banana

Lunch: turkey roll up, carrots, brown rice cake

Snack: banana and peanut butter

Dinner: 4 turkey sausage patties and a pear

Exercise: 1 hour of bootcamp

All day I felt pretty normal. Work was stressing me out so I was a little more unhappy and whiny than I usually am, but no bad cravings. Working out was really tough. I felt so weak and I definitely struggled to keep up. It was probably one of the harder workouts I've ever done. I attribute this to having no quick acting carbs in my body. 

On Day 3 I ate:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: raw almonds and a pear

Lunch: turkey roll up, carrots, hard boiled egg and egg white- forgot my rice cake. 

Snack: forgot my snack 

Dinner: grilled chicken and roasted brussel sprouts

Exercise: 30 minutes of running

I was definitely grouchy today, but still no bad cravings. Exercise felt pretty much back to normal. It was hard but not too hard. When I woke up on day 3 I weighed in at 146.6. Kind of crazy that I dropped 5.5 lbs of weight in 2 days... mostly water, but As long as it's moving in the right direction I'm happy!

On Day 4 I ate:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: banana ( forgot my nuts )

Lunch: turkey roll up, brown rice cake, hard boiled egg white and whole egg. 

Snack: banana and almond butter

Dinner: 4 turkey sausage patties 

Exercise: None

Day 4 (yesterday) was the worst day EVER. Around lunch time all I could think about was coffee and soda. It was literally right after I said "I think I'm handling this better than the average person" that the cravings hit.  All I could think about for a few hours!! This could be attributed to not having all my snacks the day before. I'm also going to bring my soda water today to have something soda-like if I get a craving. 

Last night I had my first restaurant experience where I met my friends before the Ellie Goulding concert. I ordered a soda water with lemon and I felt ok not eating their food. I wish I had a beer at the concert but it wasn't a big deal. 

Below is a picture the night of day 1 and this morning, day 5. Can you tell a difference? Not sure I can. 

Today was my first day of the Advocare 10 day challenge. I know one or two of you asked what Advocare is so ill do my best to explain.

Advocare is a company that sells a range of health care items.. The basis of the company is multilevel marketing which means that you can become a distributor yourself and participate in a compensation plan based on direct sales. It's sort of sounds like a peer amid scheme although I am not selling or distributing Advocare so I don't really know if that's the case haha. 

Anyway, my friend Ashley is a distributor and if you're interested in purchasing a cleanse please use her link: www.advocare.com/130639119 

The premise of the 10 day cleanse is pretty basic. Advocare says that the herbal cleanse system can help rid your body of toxins and waste with its unique blend of herbal ingredients that uses a systematic approach to help internal cleaning and improve digestion. The cleanse comes with fiber packets and herbal cleanse pill and a restore pill. You take these at various times during the day according to the instructions and you also take fish oil. The 10 day herbal cleanse costs $31. 

As far as eating on the cleanse the 10 day cleanse is really just a jumpstart to getting your body to eat clean. You eat five small meals during the day, and each meal is limited to certain foods. 

Meal 1: protein, carb, vegetable, or protein shake

Meal 2: healthy fat and fruit

Meal 3: protein, carb, vegetable

Meal 4: healthy fat and fruit

Meal 5: protein and vegetable (carb optional)

I counted calories today and I was close to 1200. I had a protein shake for breakfast, a pear and pistachios for a snack, two hard-boiled eggs rice cake and edamame for lunch, A banana and almond butter for snack and two more hard-boiled eggs with sweet potatoes and green beans for dinner.

I felt extremely full all day but I did crave my regular soda and coffee which you shouldnt have on the cleanse. 

The big NOs on the cleanse are: fried food, alcohol, dairy, sugar, anything processed or artificial, refined or white flour and rice. Soooo goodbye cheese milk yogurt bagels coffee creamer and diet coke for the next 9 days!

I weighed in this morning at 152.2. I don't believe that weight for a second, but I need a starting point so that's what I have. I did have a major party weekend in the mountains with my friends so I expect I gained a bit, but certainly not 6 lbs!!

I'll update this week about how things are going. I'm going to bed very full but with some small bread cravings. 

I am so bummed. 2 weeks ago I weighed in at 144.0 and then I got my period and my weight shot up to 150. Today is 2 weeks later, and I'm weighing in at 148.6. I don't understand how it's possible to gain 4 lbs in 2 weeks! I feel like the weight must be real because it's been so long since I weighed. 

I'm just bummed because I'm still working out hard and eating mostly healthy. I guess if I'm being honest with myself I haven't counted calories so I'm not 100% sure I've been staying within my limits.

Wouldn't it be great to live life not having to count? I wish I could just eat nutritious food and not worry about calories or junk. 

In other news it has been two weeks since my bf and I have slept together. Weird. 

I am on my period  for the first time since I got my IUD put in, which was exactly a year ago. Sometimes I get grouchy and sometimes I have some barely there pink spotting, but this month is closer to a real  period. And my pair of 8 jeans fit really comfortably because I am so bloated. At least I'm blaming the time of month for that, given a week and a half ago I was at my lowest weight!

I weighed in on Friday but I didn't record it and I didn't share because it was a gain of more than 2 lbs. You can't gain 2 lbs in a week! So I'm thinking that 144.0 was not real, that maybe I was dehydrated? Or maybe the higher weight is due to retention from my period? Who knows. 

What I DO know is that I ended up joining the MMA gym, and to went to my complementary fitness assessment. Basically you stand on a fancy scale and it does your body fat %. I'll post a picture of my print out, but basically it said this...

Weight 150 (6 lbs more than the last time I weighed in)

Body Fat 26.2% (3% more than my at home scale)

Fat to lose 11.8 lbs. 

ELEVEN POINT EIGHT POUNDS OF FAT!!!!

I verified the weight at home, and determined that it must be caused by a combination of my period and drinking a lot of water. My scale still said my bf% was in the 23% range, so now I'm not sure what to trust. It's Monday morning now and my stomach still feels off so I won't weigh in until Thursday. 

I guess all I can do is wait for my next assessment in 6 weeks, and bust my butt until then. I mean, my goal is 140 and so if I lost all fat in that weight, I would be really close to what the machine said I should be. 

Ok, all for now 

Small victory to share... I ran a 5k today without stopping!!!! It was a race I did last year so I was familiar with the  course. I was nervous because there is a big hill in the middle, but I powered through and finished in a little less than 32 minutes! It's not my fastest ever, but it's my first without stopping at all.  

Boyfriend ran it 5+ minutes faster than me. He is great!!

i deleted my blog in 2010 after the big break up thing.. and now i can't find ANY of those old articles.  I downloaded it onto my desktop, but I guess I didnt... I thought I had them somewhere but I can't find them.  Ugh.

Have you all been checking blogger religiously to see what my weigh in was?!

144.0 

And of course we don't know whether the weigh in was apples to apples with my other scale I had been using.  I'll just start weighing in at home from now on. This is the lowest weight I have seen in a few years. I've seen 144 a couple of times in the last few months but never lower than that.

Well, ladies, things are going to change!!!

I have 4 weeks and would like to lose 4 lbs by then. I don't think it's going to happen, given that if has been 8 weeks and I've lost 6 lbs which is .75 per week. This is a hard month because it's my birthday next Friday, and then we are going to a cabin in the mountains for a weekend after that.  Lots of bad decisions to be made, but I plan to go out for sushi on my birthday, and I have the Advocare cleanse starting march 17th.  I need to do more research so I know what's going on with the cleanse. I know it's hard work so I plan to be prepared. 

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in and I'm doing it from my house instead of my boyfriends. I almost always sleep over at his house on Wednesday or Thursday and weigh in accordingly, but not this week. I know my scale is either heavier or lighter than his, but I just can't remember which. I think I'll weigh in less on mine than I will on his, and I really don't want to screw up the results!

I haven't been eating with reckless abandon but I can't say my food has been perfect. Exercise wise I'm doing awesome so maybe that is a reason for the extra food. 

I think that deep down I want to switch to the kickboxing gym over LA Fitness, even though it's $50 more per month. It is WAY more disgusting... Like what you picture a true boxing gym to look and smell like, but bottom line I work harder, have more fun, and sweat more than when I take a class at LA. The one thing that is holding me back from signing right now is the possibility of moving to another area of town in June and having a contract I can't use. I have until the 2nd .. So I need to make up my mind. 

On the 17th I am starting the 10 day Advocare cleanse. Has anyone done it?

Just a quick update...

I weighed in last Thursday and was UP a pound.  I did feel a little bloated, but I was pretty upset, because I have been working HARD.  Maybe this week I'll see a good loss, as long as I can avoid bloat on Thursday or Friday!
It's so sad that I gave myself 3 months to lose 10 lbs and I am more than half way through and less than half way through the weight loss. I guess right now the weight isn't as important as the way I look.  I am kicking ass in kickboxing and bootcamp and I am looking forward to seeing the changes in my body.  I think in the last few weeks my arms have gotten a little more toned!

Anyway... yesterday I ran my fastest ever mile... It was all downhill at a place we like to hike.  We hike up the mountain trail and run down the road.  The first run down was about 1.5 miles and we did it at an 8:05 minute per pace, which was my fastest pace ever.  Then we hiked back up (VERY slowly... boyfriend was way ahead of me haha), and this time we hiked a little further so we got to the road in a different place.  We ran about 1.15 miles in a 7:30 pace!!! My NEW fastest ever!  I couldnt even believe it!  Before that, my BFF and I ran a 5k from my house down to a breakfast place (11 minute mile pace), so it was a BIG exercise day.  I had planned to go to kickboxing this morning, but instead I am here at home typing away and drinking coffee! SO sore.

Anyway, I've run 15% of my goal of 365 miles so far, so I'm on track.  I wish I could get a little ahead since so I didn't feel so pressured to run instead of go to these classes I am enjoying.

In other news, I can't remember the last time I purged.  I know it's been in the last year because I remember doing it in this home, but it's been so long and few/far between that it's not something I even think about anymore.  That is pretty exciting.

I got my ass handed to me last night at bootcamp. I was so tired that when I lost my balance stretching I couldn't catch myself and I fell over!!

I am glad I'm trying new things, that has always been really hard for me. The living social deal wasn't hard to buy because one of my friends works out there, but going to my first class was tough and I put it off for at least a month! And yesterday I had to convince myself to go to a different location (my regular location was closed). I don't know why I have this fear of new things. Fear of change, maybe? Maybe that's why my body won't change. 

My girlfriend who works out at this kickboxing gym is in amazing shape. A few years ago we were both my size and both a little disordered. She moved to Australia for 2 years and her lifestyle changed completely. She came back thinner than ever running half marathons and doing things that I only dreamed of. And she looked amazing. She said she ate food that fueled her body to do things she loved, and it was easy to say no to the things that didn't further her goals. I want to be there!!

The gym I bought the deal at is really expensive... 80/month. My friend says "if you could have the body you wanted, wouldn't you pay ANYTHING for it?" My answer is probably yes. Should I join thisplace  after my month is up, or could I be getting  the same workout at my 30 dollar gym?

Flowers from vday:

I bought a living social deal for a month long membership to a kickboxing gym. They have bootcamp and kickboxing and I've been going for the last few weeks about 3 times per week. I feel so empowered! I love how sore I am afterwards and I love feeling like a badass!

I've lost 5 lbs since the beginning of the new year, and i am working on another 5 by the end of march. I'm not sure that I was quite 150 on 1/1 but probably close to it... And I haven't seen 140 in a LONG time. I know the next 5 won't be easy but I'm hoping the new workout routine will kick start my burns!

All for now

Blogging hasn't been much of a priority for me recently. Odd, because usually I turn to typing in times of stress, and I'm sure everyone will agree with me that the holidays top the list for stressful times. 

Just want to lay out my New Years Resolutions on paper so that I can provide updates throughout the year, even if it's just to keep all my thoughts in one place. 

1. Run 365 miles in 2014. I ran 280-290 in 2013, and my goal was 200, so I think this is pretty doable. 

2. Learn a new skill, which is knitting. I can knit a scarf and that's it, but I really want to learn to make something that is a little more advanced

3. Make new friends. I am pulling away from one or two of my friends.Priorities change and so does life and we just aren't as close as we used to be. One thing I'm not ok with is having my boyfriend be my only companion. I don't exactly have a plan for this one. 

4. Read 10 books. A few years ago my goal was to read 20, but life is more hectic now and you can't read on the treadmill!

And then obviously i would like to lose 10-15 lbs. I weighed in 2 lbs less this New Years than last... But I'm still at the top of normal. 

My New Years group. My BFF, my bf, his BFF, and me.