Good morning!  I hope everyone had a memorial day weekend safe from barbeques and pasta salad and alcohol!  I did pretty well.  I had a date on Saturday for pizza (2 slices) and went to Mexican on Sunday (1/2 pitcher of Margs).  I got in a good amount of exercise though, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Yesterday.  Pretty good :).  Anyway... I'm here to make a meal plan.  To write it down.  If you just *THINK* about it, it doesn't work.  Best to put pen to paper (or nails to keyboard).

Tuesday:
Breakfast- 250
Coffee with Creamer
3/4 c. Kashi Cereal with 1/2 1% milk (they were out of skim)

Snack- 100
Pear

Lunch- 200
Salad with a bit of dressing and some chicken
Carrots

Snack- 200
1/2 c. Trail Mix (dried fruit and nuts)

Dinner- 300
Pasta on a date

Total: 1050

Have i filled you in on my running in a while?  I did... i told you I took that week off.  Well I'm back at it, and I'm running 25 minutes right now.  When I say running.. I don't mean 8 minute miles... or 10 minute miles!  More like 12 minute miles... so I'm running about 2 miles during my run.  A vast improvement from the 90 seconds at a time I was able to run before.  And I am THINNNNNNN.  I don't know why.  It's got to be the running.  My hips have totally slimmed out.  I mean... thin for me.  I'm still above 140.  143 this morning actually... but its a noticeable difference with how my clothes are fitting/not fitting.  The jeans I am wearing right now are comfortably fitting and when I bought them I had to hang them up for motivation to be able to fit into them.  That is a great feeling.  Harlow... I still don't love it.  But I definitely don't hate it anymore :)
I've also gotten rid of the men in my life.  They were causing stress, and although I really liked them.. I just don't need to be stressed.  I want to fall in love and live happily ever after.. but I have time.

a) I need to delete that side bar about my deficit challenge because its just depressing.  I obviously didn't end up doing it.... and I won't be 125 by June.
b) I haven't heard from the doctor yet, and I've been hesitant to post on another topic... I don't know why.  I hate not having control.
c) speaking of not having control, one of my brothers just failed his first year of college, and has moved back in with my parents.  They set some ground rules like he needs to get a job if he wants to live there... but he basically refused.  When they told him to leave, he apparently jumped off the roof of my house after taking tons of asprin or something.  How sad... and what an obvious cry for help.  He is in the hospital for some mental evaluations, and I hope he gets the help he needs.  I hate that I can't do anything.  I wish I could just say "get a job" or "freaking do your homework you idiot"... but he isn't me.  Obviously that is not something that works for him.
d) My love life, my work life, and my home life (above), have been stressful and hectic.  I have been turning to exercise of a way of coping.  Not to mention I ate an entire bag of chips ahoy cookies in 2 days... how's that for coping?!  I have the insane urge to exercise ALL the time.  Maybe to gain back some control?  After the 5k I took a week off of running... it was all I was doing, and the only exercises I was getting, so instead I did a weight class, spin class, and yoga.  It was definitely nice.  This week I'm back to running but I am also taking the time to do weights and yoga and spin. 

In my couch to 5k, I am repeating week 6 which is what I ran the week of the 5k, because I didn't finish it all, and its the last week before things get super super tough.  I have 1 run left... 25 minutes straight, and then after that weeks 7-9 are straight running 25, 28, and 30.  Since I run slow I guess 30 minutes won't technically be 3 miles, but since I'm ultimately training for a 10k, I feel like as my length increases, running shorter distances will be easier and I will be able to do it faster.  Last night I worked out with weights in the morning, and I just HAD to get in my run (10 minutes running 3 walking 10 running).  I was supposed to do it Monday and got halfway through then got the call from my family about my brother and needed to stop.  So, it was 2 workouts on Tuesday to keep up!

For me right now, its mind over matter.  The 10 minutes, break, 10 minutes last night was killer.  Not for my body, but for my mind, which kept telling me "you need to stop, this is too hard, you need water."  I kept counting down the minutes, moving my towel over to see the time left.  How do I avoid this?  How can I train my mind to be somewhere else while my body works?

A few weeks ago I wrote you from the doctors office excited to tell you how I was below 140. Today I am back, weighing about 145, and with a lot on my mind. Abnormal pap. I don't even know what that means. I'm scared, sick to my stomach, worried about the impending biopsy and how (if at all) this will change my future.
I realize that the worst thing I can do is focus on the worst case scenario, but I find it very hard not to jump to "cancer" as the source of this issue. Honestly, I come every year. If I DO have cancer, I doubt that it would be at a stage that wasn't managable. Whatever is wrong can be fixed. Logically, I know, but it doesn't stop me from jumping to the worst conclusions.
Im going in. Wish me luck!

I ran my first 5k this weekend in Atlanta.  I almost can't believe that I actually did it.  It definitely seems surreal that 7 week ago I was running 1 minute intervals because that is all I can do, and on Sunday I ran (most of) a 5k.  I wore a watch and completed the race in a little over 36 minutes.  That is less than a 12 minute mile... which, for most isn't impressive... but for ME, considering I walked much of the uphills... I just am thrilled.  I ran by myself, which wasn't really the plan, but it was nice.  My adrenaline was still pumping and I got to do a lot of thinking about the things that bother me... weight, male companions, work.  After the race I thought "well, I'm already sweaty and tired, so I might as well go to the gym and do weights."  I worked my legs to death, and did a little bit of chest.  On Sunday I took a yoga class, and had a 20 minute walk in my neighborhood.  I'm feeling exhausted this morning and not looking forward to work... but oh well.

Quick update:

well, i'm back above 140.  I'm not surprised.  I didn't binge on the cruise, but I wasn't exercising every day, and I wasn't eating as healthily as I could have been (read: frozen yogurt in abundance).  I've been keeping up with my running and am happy to say that I've completed all runs without fail... stopping for 15 seconds here or there to catch my breath and have some water, but I don't really count that.  I just finished the first run of week six-- an interval run totaling 18 minutes.  I had run for 20 minute straight on Saturday, so I knew I could do it, which makes it a lot easier.  The end of this week is 25 minutes straight.  Eeek.  I'm seeing the guy I work with still, and as we get closer, I'm finding less and less time to exercise... and more and more reasons to eat.  This weekend he brought 2 dozen donuts into this house.  I ate 2 that day... he ate 6.  How does that work!?  I think I have a marginally better body than he does... but really just my stomach.  His isn't big, and if he exercised or ate healthy for like 3 minutes, he would be rock hard.... but instead he has the luxury of eating donuts whenever he wants.

I think I need to bump up my cardio a little bit... all I've been doing is running, which is great, but it doesn't fulfill me like spin class does.  I guess I feel exhausted after a run that I am really just thinking about resting until my next run.    Yesterday I did my run and then went to a weight class... OUCH.  The warm up was probably the hardest part.. she had everyone jumping up and down  and I was already sweating bullets.