had a decent weekend foodwise.  I think I ate a little too much on Saturday... well, at least too many carbs.. but yesterday I did well.  I enjoyed my spin class Saturday morning, and had planned to go Sunday morning as well, but I just couldn't.
Last night for dinner I had 2 vodka sodas and a sandwich.  Hahaha that's what my job has forced me to.
I plan on going to body works tonight. and I plan on changing trainers after Sept 15th.  I don't like any of the trainers at my gym except for the girl I have now.. I've talked about her... and so I plan on going to a different LA fitness and scoping it out.  I have some names of trainers who I might be interested in, but first I want to see what they are like when they train.... I am so picky! But hey, I pay for it.

the stress is getting to me and causing me to make bad decisions.
i basically ate an entire house yesterday.
my waffles and yogurt
my sandwich
moes burrito in a bowl
gummy bears galore
almonds
coffee
soup
fritos

I wasn't hungry but I couldn't stop shoveling food into my face!  Well, today is a new day.  I'm supposed to have personal training this morning but my trainer just... ignores me and then when I ask about it she's like "ohh, yeah I'm not working friday."  it's annoying and I would switch but there is only one other female trainer and I just don't like her style.  Maybe I should try training at a different gym... yep, in all my free time.
Today i have to go back to the town where my college is for a recruiting event.  I think its funny that this is a mandatory event, when working 60+ hrs a week is also mandatory.  What do you expect me to do!?  My plan, even though I know I shouldn't, is to skip breakfast.  And then we're getting lunch catered,and I'm considering bringing a tupperware and getting some and saving it.  It's hard to pass up free food for some reason,

The girl I work with who is also disordered with eating is not really helping the cause.  We went on a walk Sunday and made this grand plan of eating healthy, recording it, etc etc.  Then she comes over to my desk with cake, etc, and sits down at the desk next to me and eat's my coworkers nuts... its not very healthy at all.. she says one thing and does another.. but I guess thats what I did too right?

I'm disappointed that he hasn't called or texted for 3 days.  Wow... I shouldn't be huh?  Easier said than done.  At least I haven't sent him that text that says "I assume you're seeing other people since you aren't talking to me" or something equally as passive.  Not that I have much time to talk... but you girl know, you want what you can't have.
Food today will be:
Waffles and Yogurt: 300
Gummy Bears: 150
Grapes: 150
Sandwich: 300
Oatmeal: 110
Soup: 200
Fritos: 200

Not exactly healthy all the way around... but I've got healthy avocado in the sandwich and soup, and gummy bears are fat free!
Work is just killing me.  Like I am literally dying!

thanks for the comments regarding Colorado.  Its sad... before I went to visit him, I sort of knew things were going to be weird.. I was seeing other people (NOT sleeping with them).. and I didn't have a lot of hope for the future of the relationship.  Now though... now that he's completely screwed me, I feel more in love than ever.  I guess it's just pain talking.

I decided I need to focus on myself.  I've been at the gym a good bit recently, but I haven't been taking care of my body by putting in healthy foods.  The stress of work has been getting to me, and I need to not let that happen.  I've decided to plan my meals ahead of time.  What I eat isn't exactly "HEALTHY" because of the high stress lifestyle I lead, I can't cook all the time... but I'm counting rounded calories and sticking to a plan, so, there you go.

Today-  oatmeal, coffee, lean cuisine, grapes, waffle yogurt, wine (1300).  Exercise (300).

Blogging was a great stress relief and I need to pick it up again!  It's good to see that Reese and RayRay are back... I enjoy reading their blogs, and the new kids will too!

I went to Colorado this weekend.  He is sleeping with other people... he lied about it.  And we didn't use a condom.  My heart is basically broken.  How could someone who loves you do that!?  I don't even care about the sex... it's not my first choice of recreational activities, but how could he not TELL me? or at least make sure I stayed safe?

yesterday was the anniversary of my marriage.  needless to say I wasn't exactly thrilled.  I did as much as possible to forget about it... but I keep hearing that Eminem and Rhianna song ""Love the way you Lie".  The part where he sings

"I apologize, even though it's lies.  I'm tired of the games,  I just want her back.  I know I'm a liar, if she ever tries to fucking leave again I'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire"

Basically the worst part of my life is that I can resonate with that... SERIOUSLY?  And of course it played like 500 times, and then I tortured myself by YouTubing it, and sobbing all the way through.

So I went spinning, and I got a hair removal appointment, and a nail appointment, and then a hair appointment.  LOTS of pampering.  Then a guy I have been seeing in ATL came over and we had plans to go to the drive in but we ended up just seeing a normal movie.  I DID e-mail George, sent him the link to that video, and I said "This day in 2009 I made the worst mistake of my life."  Probably should have been a bit more grown up... but I couldn't help it.

Food wise
Powerbar- 250
Starbucks english muffin sandwich- 320
Chai Tea Latte- 200
Passion Tea Latte- 0
Movie Theater Popcorn- 400
Leftover tater tots and cheese- 400
2 Glasses of Wine- 300
Total: 1870

Exercise
Hr Spinning: 500

Burn Estimate: 1710
Deficit: 340

Maybe I under estimated the calories in the popcorn and the tater tots.  I didn't eat TOO much popcorn though, so I'm not sure.

I am going to try and be like Piglet-- set a goal of calories not to go over no matter what.

where did i lose myself?
i just... am not here anymore.
i don't even try.  i obsess, i complain, but i don't try!!!
i need someone to write me a diet or something.  but how is it possible when i travel all the time?  what i need to do is get salads at every meal with dressing on the side.  but when i go out on someone else's dime... i feel entitled to eat greasy disgusting food.  Like... if I don't, I am not getting my full $$s worth.  Even though it's not my money.  I don't know why-- seriously that makes about as little sense as possible.
Going to VA all of next week, and flying straight into CO from there.  So much for trying to lose weight before my trip. Ahh I had so many dreams of being tight and toned when I saw him.
But alas... I may be stronger, but I am certainly not thinner.
Life is awesome....