I'm trying to figure out life on my own. I've spoke to the ex once since I last posted. We are about a month into the breakup. It's gotten a little easier... I'm not crying everyday, just when someone brings it up. I was not eating at all, but I now have my appetite back and am self medicating with food. 

Most of my friends have been lovely and helpful. I have been keeping very busy with dinners and drinks and shopping, but unfortunately it comes with a price. I am waiting for June to come around so I can start fresh! June will be a no shopping month. I don't need to buy clothes, makeup, or household items for 30 days... It shouldn't be that hard! I AM looking for a lamp for my desk, but it can wait. If I find something perfect, I will make an exception. 

Does anyone follow Shannon Ables, author of the Simply Luxurious Life blog? She is a successful, happy and (most importantly to me) single woman. She doesn't have her identity tied up in the search for marriage, like I do. 

One thing she told me (yes I emailed a famous blogger about my love life) is that while part of me is grieving the loss of my bf, I am most likely grieving the loss of the role I thought the relationship was going to play in the journey toward my happiness. Heavy right!? Her advice to me is to stay single and use this time of being on my own as a gift and an opportunity to explore, not to waste it being sad and depressed. But also, to be kind to myself.

I am seeing him again next weekend to pick up the rest of my stuff. I don't have closure so it's hard for me to let go completely, but I think when I don't have any reason to see him again, it will help. I wish I was mad at him, or I wish he had made up his mind definitively. I guess his lack of making up his mind about me kind of IS closure. I want to be with someone who knows he wants to be with me!!

Ugh I am sad. I am ready to stop being sad! 

I am still really heartbroken. Nothing has been resolved and BF and I aren't talking. It's been 19 days... I guess I thought it would take no more than 2 weeks for him to realize what he was giving up, but I guess not. 

I need to accept that I have lost the love in my life, and start working on repairing my heart so I can eventually find a new one!

Before you read: please don't leave me any opinions here. I'm not ready for the world to have opinions about this. I'm just really sad and I need to put it BF backed out of the apartment search this weekend. I feel in my heart that I knew this would happen. Maybe I shouldn't say that because I always assume the worst and it rarely is the case. I guess with this, it is. He said he should want to do this. Even though he is scared he should feel ready, and since he doesn't, something is wrong. I went through some things I talked through in therapy, fear not being in the drivers seat and doing things dispite them being scary. I also told him that I was really hurting because he has had so much time to bring these concerns to me and he has been avoiding the conversation.  And now, it's too late, because I am required to give 30 days notice. I also told him that while I love him to the moon and back and I think he is a great catch, it's important to me that we move forward in our relationship, and I have been patient and accommodating in the past, but now it's time to do what is best for me and move on. He says he understands, but he also says that it's messed up that the choices are "move in or break up." I told him that the worst scenario of moving in is that it doesn't work out and we have to pay money to break the lease... So the only difference between breaking up now, and the worst case scenario is the money, which we both have. I think that made him think differently, but still no commitment. 

In my heart I think want him to realize that a few days without me is no good, and will take action when I disappear and make his regular life uncomfortable. Maybe that will happen, but then I worry we have this same fight and breakup when I want to get engaged, or have kids. Is it worth it? If he comes back this time to tell me he's made a mistake, do I demand a timeline of future events to avoid this happening again? Or should I not even think like that and get my hopes up that he will come around?

I think I am doing the right thing with the mini ultimatum. It's not a "bend to my wishes or else" ultimatum but a "I need to do what's best for me and i want you with me but I'll move on without if I have to" ultimatum. It's just so so so sad. How can you love someone so much and just not be in sync? Why did he let this drag on and on for the last few months knowing it was hurting me? 

I just needed to get this out, and I didn't know who to talk to. 

Thanks for reading. 

Kathryn 

Happy Easter/Passover everyone!!

No days off from work but that's ok. I'm enjoying my chocolate and baked goods and still squeezing in my workouts! Dinner tonight is healthy kabobs!

I went back to the gym for a 2nd weigh in on the scale. 

This time they put my body type in as Athletic instead of Standard. I read up on the difference and I think Athletic is more correct. It is for someone who has exercised for many years, or someone who intensely exercises 10 hours per week, and in both cases has a restring heart rate of less than 60 beats per minute. I have a resting heart rate between 45-55 usually. Anyway the difference is how it calculate body fat %... So I think that's why my drop is so high. 

But anyway, overall in the last 5-6 weeks I'm down 4 lbs, 5% body fat, and have lost 9 lbs of fat mass. I've also gained 5 lbs of fat free mass, 4 lbs of those being total body water. 

The new printout says I only need to lose another 2 lbs to get to 20% bf.... But obviously I want to be smaller than that!

Inspired by Maria Kang, the "what's your excuse?" lady on Facebook, I made myself a 3 month chart. My goals were to lose 10 lbs and run 90 miles. I color coded based on activity

Red=rest Green=run Yellow=kickbox or cardio Orange=bootcamp 

I worked out 56 times in the last 90 days.  I ran 90.4 miles. I lost 10 lbs... (And then after this weekend gained a good portion back. Paying for it now with intense stomach cramps)

Overall, I'm super impressed! 

I finished AdvoCare on Wednesday and had my weigh in yesterday. I made sure to do it at my boyfriends house so I could get an accurate loss. 

What do you think? I can definitely tell a difference here! I started the 10 day challenge at 152.2, obviously very bloated because I never weigh that much, and ended at...... 141.8!!!

I can't remember the last time I saw 141! 

I'm really proud of sticking it through. It was hard but not THAT hard. Now I did have some bread yesterday, and it wasn't life changing, so I think I want to stick with this was of eating for a while. My goal is 140 by the end of the month, and then to maintain for the next 3.

If you're interested in advocare, please use my link here: http://www.advocare.com/130639119

This link supports one of my best friends. 

It's morning of the day five on the cleanse and I have a lot to report. 

On Day 2 I ate:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: unsalted cashews and a banana

Lunch: turkey roll up, carrots, brown rice cake

Snack: banana and peanut butter

Dinner: 4 turkey sausage patties and a pear

Exercise: 1 hour of bootcamp

All day I felt pretty normal. Work was stressing me out so I was a little more unhappy and whiny than I usually am, but no bad cravings. Working out was really tough. I felt so weak and I definitely struggled to keep up. It was probably one of the harder workouts I've ever done. I attribute this to having no quick acting carbs in my body. 

On Day 3 I ate:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: raw almonds and a pear

Lunch: turkey roll up, carrots, hard boiled egg and egg white- forgot my rice cake. 

Snack: forgot my snack 

Dinner: grilled chicken and roasted brussel sprouts

Exercise: 30 minutes of running

I was definitely grouchy today, but still no bad cravings. Exercise felt pretty much back to normal. It was hard but not too hard. When I woke up on day 3 I weighed in at 146.6. Kind of crazy that I dropped 5.5 lbs of weight in 2 days... mostly water, but As long as it's moving in the right direction I'm happy!

On Day 4 I ate:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: banana ( forgot my nuts )

Lunch: turkey roll up, brown rice cake, hard boiled egg white and whole egg. 

Snack: banana and almond butter

Dinner: 4 turkey sausage patties 

Exercise: None

Day 4 (yesterday) was the worst day EVER. Around lunch time all I could think about was coffee and soda. It was literally right after I said "I think I'm handling this better than the average person" that the cravings hit.  All I could think about for a few hours!! This could be attributed to not having all my snacks the day before. I'm also going to bring my soda water today to have something soda-like if I get a craving. 

Last night I had my first restaurant experience where I met my friends before the Ellie Goulding concert. I ordered a soda water with lemon and I felt ok not eating their food. I wish I had a beer at the concert but it wasn't a big deal. 

Below is a picture the night of day 1 and this morning, day 5. Can you tell a difference? Not sure I can.