gym on friday, saturday, and a 5 mile walk tonight to help make the weekend festivities do less damage.  Friday night was a chinese and wine night bitching about boyfriends, saturday was a big halloween party, and today was a date with the boyfriend with pizza for lunch, and then dinner with a girlfriend who made chicken tacos.
I don't know that I had a deficit any of the days this weekend, but I did much better than last weekend, for sure.  Saturday night was a huge crazy party and I was good with the alcohol intake.  I was definitely the most sober one in our group, and ended up taking care of two blackout friends.  Gotta love those nights.  Honestly... I think we're a little too old to be having those nights in the first place.
I bought breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire week.  Yogurt and Cereal for breakfast, Soup for lunch, and high protein pancakes (egg white, rolled oats, and cottage cheese).  I have the gym on my calendar for Monday and Wednesday for sure... and at this point I know I'm going to a movie Tuesday night, so that may need to be my day off.  I'll make sure I update my weight sometime soon.

Boyfriend and I talked last night. He threw a huge curve ball at me and told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. What kind of terrible person tells you they love you if they don't!? We said it early. He said it first... I guess I'm his first serious relationship in years and he probably has new feelings he's confused about. Still. You don't say it til you KNOW. I want to break up with him. How do you stay with someone wondering if they love you? It's different if you never brought it up... But it's not like I can take it back. So am I stuck wondering if he sees a future with me? Waiting around until he decides? Or do I try to move on? If we had never said it in the first place things would be fine. When that hit the fan, we didn't even have a chance to talk about me feeling unspecial. I guess I assume he will feel bad enough about this to put forth a bit more effort.
The sadness is helping my diet. And I went spinning yesterday to burn off 620 calories and skipped dinner. I guess I need to take care of myself if I don't have someone else to take care of me

I am sad. I have been dating the same guy seriously for 3.5 months. It's not like the others... He is someone I want to be with. Someone I love. He worked so hard to get me to go out with him. He asked me for at least 3 months before I said yes. Now I love him. Really love him... And things have changed. He's basically given up on trying to make me happy. It's almost like he knows he has me and so he doesn't have to try anymore. I brought it up tonight after thinking about it for a while. I had to say something or I would have just kept getting worse. I told him that I felt like he didn't cherish me. I told him that it felt like he didn't love me and wished he could take back saying it. That his sister was the most important woman in his life and any idea she had was awesome but any idea I had wasn't even worth acknowledging. I'm just so sad to think about how the person I love disappeared and in stuck with someone who doesn't listen or respect my opinion. Maybe I'm pmsing. Maybe he is bad at expressing his feelings. Maybe we were in love in the heat of it but we aren't truly made for each other. I guess time will tell. I deserve to be cherished.

1200 calorie intake today- coffee, chicken breast, okra (fried), tortilla chips, chicken soup, fish taco, avocado
2100 calorie output today- 1 hour of weight training class burned an extra 400 calories.  Not terrible.  Wish I hadn't gotten the fish taco and just had the soup.
Tomorrow I have to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant for a work event.  I hope we don't have a fixed menu.  I always feel like the salads at nice restaurants are packed with calories.  They always have bacon, or candied walnuts, or ridiculous ranch dressing.  And its always sort of awkward to be the person who orders a 7 dollar salad when everyone else orders a 28 dollar steak.  Oh well.  I'm going to ask for a dinner size garden salad with shrimp and my dressing on the side.  Who cares what other people think.

Basically starting my diet over... I ruined it and it's not acceptable. But I did realize that my boyfriend basically condones not eating as a way of life.... Hmmm

Yesterday I went to the mall after work. I planned to eat nothing. Not only did the sales person put the wrong boots in my bag, but I ended up gorging on Chinese food. Embarrassed to say I purged it when I got home. I thought I was over that... Seriously. I just felt so disgusting and my calories are too high as it is. I'm liquid fasting all day today. Wish me luck!

I just ate 500 calories worth of chocolate. That is so disgusting. I'm at 1000 calories for the day and it's only 1pm. What am I going to do!?

I can handle this.

I seriously cannot control myself on the weekends. I wouldn't say I did bad but I drank a lot and thats enough calories to ruin any good diet plan. Today I'm having cereal for breakfast, yogurt and oatmeal for lunch, and I haven't given thought to dinner.... But something that keeps me below 1050 calories. I have a late meeting so no gym

lack of food went really well yesterday!!  I think i did a good job of making up for all those rouge calories this weekend!  I had a misto (100 cals), and a glass of wine (200 cals).    I made soup and let it cook over night so I'm looking forward to eating that.  I dont plan on breaking my fast until lunch today.  My boss is taking me out for pizza.  So this morning I'm just having coffee, and after pizza I plan on eating a lot of raspberries (they were on sale).  I really wish that I could get this weight under control.

grrrrr.  this weekend i was not good to my body.  friday i went to my boyfriend's parent house for tacos and margaritas.  I did my best not to over eat.  I think I already posted that I calculated an overage but at least it was small.  Saturday I can't even tell you what i did to myself.  SOOO much alcohol.  Pizza, and cheese dip.  It was not good.  And sunday I had plans not to eat at all.... but that didn't happen.  I was hung over and needed food.  A huge frappucino, pretzels, a quesadilla and tortilla chips, and a half a bag of sour gummy worms.  I don't think that the calories were TOOOOO much yesterday.  But still.  Yuck.   I feel like I undid all my hard work.  I dont even know how to count this weekend.  Ugh.

Anyway.  I have to kick it into high gear this week.
Breakfast- Oatmeal
Lunch- Vegetables and Soup
Dinner- Cereal
Snacks- No thank you.


Edit.  I changed my mind.  I will not be eating today at all.

during the week was so easy!!! but come friday and alcohol... and i went over my budget by 142... so now between today and sunday, I need a total of 1100 calorie deficit.  I mean... its doable... if I wasn't going out tonight in my college town.  The entire point of us being there is to eat good food and drink good alcohol and relive college days... Ugh, I'm screwed.
I'm going to go to the gym right now to at least get a head start on it.

So its day 3 and so far it has been a success!  Only..... 88 more days to go? hahaha.  Crazy to think that the new year will be here before you know it.  So I've devised a plan that will require me counting calories every day... which we know I'm not great at.  Every day for 3 months.  And it requires me to have a 4500 calorie deficit each week.  How I want to accomplish that is up to me.  Yesterday I was at a deficit of 801, and the day before 691.  So I probably need to average about 600 deficit for the remaining 5 days this week.  I CAN do this.  It takes preplanning.  And the GYM.  For instance.  Tonight the boyfriend gets back in town and I want to have pizza with him.  I feel like that's acceptable as long as I am able to make it to spin class after work and keep my calories to a minimum before dinner.  It looks like I'm looking at about 300 calories a slice x 2 = 600 calories for dinner... and without exercise I can eat about 1050 calories a day to stay under budget.  So... 450 calories left in the day sounds hard, but definitely doable.  I will have oatmeal for breakfast, and an apple for snack, and a granola bar.  That should be plenty to get me through the day.  Ahhhhh hard.  Saturday I'm going to my college town to relive being young and drunk.  I plan on drinking a healthy amount.  I'm going to need to do some planning surrounding that night too.  Well yay, I'm glad I worked this out and have a plan.  It makes me feel better.

i have my period :(  i hate hate hate hate hate this feeling.  hey, at least i'm not pregnant, right?
SO.... remember how I've been super whiney about my boyfriend not loving me anymore?  Obviously all in my head.... look at what he bought me--- JUST BECAUSE!  I guess I can't expect to have a guy who shows his love in the way a female shows her love... but this is pretty darn good.  He is out of town this week, so I'm taking advantage of that with my eating.  Yesterday, I ate very healthy except for a few twizzlers, and went to cycle class.  I ended up at a 1,000 deficit.  I'm considering doing only fruits and vegetables today + liquids.  I think that sounds like a good idea.  I have lots of veggies that I need to eat, and I missed the gym today because I stayed up too late.
My weight isnt going down just yet... but maybe that has to do with the period.  My goal by the end of December is 134 lbs.
Last time I weighed myself, I was 150.  That is 16 lbs. 3 months.  5 lbs a month.  Doable?  Maybe if I take it seriously this time....