Last week I started to write a post about how low carb diet was the best thing that ever happened to me ever ever ever.. and then the boy called and I got distracted.  And now its Monday morning, and after a weekend of carb eating... I don't feel as good about myself, but I'm ready to jump back on the low carb wagon and give it another go.  I lost almost 5 lbs last week during my low carb eating.  I ate a lot of almonds, veggies, and fatty things like chicken salad.  I made frittatas in muffin tins, and ate 2 every day.  Surprisingly delicious, and filling!  It was amazing to not be hungry all the time... although by Wednesday I was wanting to munch a lot more.  This week I am incorporating a lot of exercise into my daily routine.  Now that busy season at work is over, I should have more time for a life.  I am going to Australia next week for 2 weeks... I can't wait.  We are going to have so much fun... but I'm also supposed to be moving while I'm gone, and that is a little stressful!  I don't feel like I have the time to pack everything up before I go... but I'll do my best.. we'll see.

I'm hopping on the low carb train with Miranda. Why not? It works. I had my goodbye carb meal on Sunday at a Mexican place, and now I'm off! Goal, like Miranda, is 50 grams, but yesterday I hit 61 and I'm ok with that. Today is tax day... So my job should lighten up for a few months. I'm on my way to Australia in a few weeks, and I'm moving shortly after I get back. Goal for me is to see the inside of a gym more than never, and to start taking spin classes again! Perhaps I can also become a blogger again instead of just a silent follower.

I know no one wants to hear me whine and complain about my relationship troubles. I know in my head that he is definitely not ready for me... But my heart misses him so much. I just want to find him and hug him and never let go. I want to work through this and show him that we are meant to be together. But I don't know if he feels the same way... I guess I'll have to wait and see

i have been surviving pretty well since Sunday.  granted, I've been working from 8-10 every single day, so I don't have much of a chance to go be sad or freaked out that my life is completely changing.  he's still in birmingham on a client, so it's not as if this week has been much different than normal.  usually we would talk during the day, but he had been pretty distant in the end, so it doesn't seem strange that i don't speak with him.  he has tried to IM me a couple of times.  he has nothing substantial to say... obviously just lonely and looking for attention.  i am definitely not the right person to give him that.  he'll ask me how i am, tell me about his blood type, etc etc.  i just tell him he should talk to someone who wants to listen, and to leave me alone.  i tried to convey to him that the only thing i really want to hear is how he is madly in love with me and how he has made the biggest mistake of his life.   not that i would believe him... and i think he's seen how angry i am that he won't pull another shit head move like that.  honestly... i just don't want much to do with him.  i don't deserve it.  you can't treat me that way and get away with it.... well, he can it seems.. but not ANOTHER time.  the ONLY way i would consider a reconciliation is if there was a huge grand gesture that came along with the "i love you"... and if any of that came any time in the next 2 months, i would completely ignore it.  regardless... i think its over.  you know if you know. and if you're unsure... you're obviously not in love.  moving on.

not easy i guess... because this evening i binged on a quesadilla and beer and onion rings.. and then as soon as i came home i purged.  so awful.  it is such a good stress release, but its not who i am and not who i want to be

My boyfriend of 9 months told me he wasn't sure if he loved me or if we had a future together. This is not the first time he has pulled this bullshit. Last time he said tr same thing, ad a few days later told me he truly loved me and just didn't realize it. Now he's telling me he just said that so i wouldnt leave him. What an ass. Wants me around while he figures it all out... But what if he NEVER falls? Then I'm stuck loving someone who doesn't love me back and have wasted all my time. He doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to him, but he has finally gotten the hint and stopped calling/ texting. Most of me wishes he would keep calling and telling me how miserable he is, but I know I'm just clinging to some crazy hope that probably doesn't exist. I hope that in a few weeks he will realize that I was great and perfect, and then we can resume talking. Even if that does happen, I can't trust that he truly means it, since he has used his words so selfishly before.
So that's what I'm dealing with. And it's not fun.

Just because it's the weekend doesn't mean it's time to give up. I still need to count and be good if I want to lose

Just a quick thought to start the day... I stayed at work last night until 10:30. I didn't get dinner while I was there, but did munch on some carrots. When I got home, I could have gone straight to bed, but instead I went into the kitchen and made some mozzarella sticks. Why? Does this mean I'm not disordered? Or am I just not trying hard enough to lose the weight? I know I care... I guess the question is how much....
In other news, my therapist says my antidepressant is known to cause weight gain. Angst free, or thin??