i have absolutely no justification for my lack of weight loss.  i basically just suck.
i feel like a huge fat cow... constantly. 149.2 #  Birth Control? Alcohol? Fatness?  Whatever it is... it sucks
It is VERY early in the morning, I am about to get my ass to the gym.  I don't care if I won't be able to function today at work. Must go to a Brave's game tonight, so I doubt I'll have any real exercise any other time.

I am just so down in the dumps!!!
My weight will NOT go down.  It is going UP.  I am exercising like crazy... I thought I was eating healthy, but maybe now I am eating more!?
I am tired as all hell... can barely make it to work by nine.
I don't know I don't know.

i have been reading blogs but have been unmotivated to write.  and my internet has been out at home.  and i am more than a little tired of unloading on you all.  basically, in order to survive real life, i get out all the bad stuff here... that way, its like i bitched, im over it, and now i can be happier in the real world.. or supposedly.
fast update on boy-- i left him a voicemail voicing my opinion about it being over and him being less than a man for ignoring me.  he called later that night, let me know that his phone had been broken for the last 3 days, that i was being a complete girl because i didn't try to call him or i would have known it went straight to voicemail, and that he didn't have my number memorized so he couldn't call me.  so... we made up.  i need to take this less seriously.  my best friend in blogger land (she doesn't blog, but she's still my bff) told me it sounds like i am super depressed and stressed about this whole situation.  I shouldn't be though... because like i said in my last post... he lives in Colorado... there IS NO future.  This is purely fun, and I think that because I have been in serious relationships so long, I sometimes forget that.  The rational part of me just seems to slip out when I am stressed, and everything becomes this HUGE mess when I should be living life to the fullest, having fun, and accepting things for the way they are.

Easier said than done.

The stress has done me good this time around.  I have been working out like a mad woman.  I didn't exercise Sunday, but Monday I went to a spin class, and then to the other gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical.  Yesterday I went to my trainer in the morning (6:30-- way too early), and then to a spin class, which was surprisingly good.  I have my favorite instructors, and then I feel like no one ever measures up.  Tuesday at 6:45-- now on the list!
Food has been decent too.  Fruit, I had an entire subway sub yesterday-- half for lunch and half for dinner, and soup too.  I did eat 2 granola bars and 2 cookies, I didn't deserve them and shouldn't have had them.  Will do better today.  Doubtful I will be exercising... big deadline at work.

Hope everyone is well.

the spin class did make me feel better about the boy situation.  I guess getting the endorphins pumping will do that.  too bad I didn't eat anything, and had a big cup of coffee, and halfway through the class I thought I would puke/pass out.  I took it easy the rest of the time.. didn't want to be a quitter!  Then my girlfriend and I went to get bagels-- mine had cheddar and tomato and turkey on it. YUM, but SO bad for you I am sure.  I am going to say 600-700 calories for the meal.  So then on my way home.. I was just.. sad again.  Sad Happy Sad Happy... so I thought... I have time.. and I just went back to the gym!  Did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes walking on the treadmill.  How do I feel now?  Um mostly tired... and still a little sad.  But currently my thought is "he lives in denver.. this wasn't going to work out anyway.. why are you so sad about it?"

at least i am pushing myself to exercise through the anguish!

it is saturday morning.  he didnt call me thursday night.  sometimes thats normal.. but i made a point to NOT email him during work on friday.  literally.... not a word.  he didnt call, text, email... nothing.  and now i don't know how to handle the situation.  does he think i am mad at him?  is he actually blowing me off?  is he acting like a boy instead of a man.. and his way of 'breaking up' with someone is to ignore them?  however... i am usually the person who emails him first.... usually he says that my job is way more important so that if he doesn't hear from me it means i am busy.  so now that i have put the ball in his court... i wonder.... does he know its in his court? or is he worried that maybe i dont want to talk to him since i usually initiate the conversation?
i have considered calling him this afternoon and saying something like 'look, this is obviously over... if you wanted to break up with me at least you could have been a man about it and let me know'... but i am afraid that i am taking this completely out of context.. as in.. i am just making things up in my head because i am an irrational female... and he is actually a) busy, b) with family on this holiday weekend, c) thinking I am mad bc i didn't contact him.

on/off switch---- need to invent that.  And DO need another guy here... just need to find one.

Off to spinning!!  Still sore from training but oh well

and the male depression sets in once again.  i wish i didn't care.  i wonder if there is an on-off switch i could find to make it stop.  honestly its really not fair.  my friend and i were discussion the males in our life.. hers thinks that men need to ignore woman they like in order to keep them interested.   thats just bullshit... but she said that she plays the same game with him.  if he doesn't want to call her then don't... that she will just ignore him, go 72 hours without a word until he breaks down and texts first.  then they text like wildfire for a while.  Weird.  I guess for me this is just.. odd, because i have never been in a relationship with someone who is so..... fickle? I dont know if that is the right word.  Someone who calls me baby and wants to talk late at night, then suddenly doesn't call me or text me all day, responds to my texts 2 hours later with short answers.. so odd.  Honestly... if he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, I think I would be a little hurt, but not sad.  More just like... "well, okay, time to move on" God I complain about him all the time, what the hell am I doing in a relationship with him?  When it stops being fun, time to get out.  I guess this situation is different because he lives across the country, and we aren't really dating... and I am obviously blowing everything out of proportion.


Trainer beat me up yesterday-- it was pretty hard. I'll post the workout later, its in my car.  I ate a protein bar, some potato chips, a lean cuisine, oatmeal, salad and lasagna.  Probably did pretty well as far as food, but I wish I hadn't eaten those chips.

vacations ruin diets!
i have been so bad for the last week.  4 days in NY, 3 days in SC on work.  Went to delicious restaurants, had no where to do my workouts.  I walked 3 times, about 3 miles each.  I guess that counts for a little something. 
YUCK