i am hesitant to publish this post because many of the readers in our bloggosphere are quite young.. and it may sound like i am a raging lunatic... but hopefully my older readers with empathize with me and not think i am a crazy-pants.

SO... I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months because he couldn't tell me he loved me.  Not sure if I posted about the incident in October... he had told me he loved me... only to take it back.  Granted we had only been dating a few months when he said it so it was definitely the infatuation stage... but when he took it back we had been together a good 4 months.  At my age, you kind of put it all out on the table.  You don't date to date, unless you're really just looking to get laid.  Ahh maybe I am just confusing everyone.
Okay... so... at my age, you meet someone and you go out with them once or twice to determine if they are the type of person you could see yourself potentially being with long term.  if the answer is yes, you continue to see them.  As you get to know that person, you realize either a) they are not right for you, or b) they ARE right for you.  If the answer is b, I think that is love.  I used to think of love as "if i lost that person I would be devastated", but now i think of it as "can i see myself with this person in 5 years.  would that make me happy?" 
For me, with my boyfriend.  The answer is yes.  We have been together for 6 months.  We see each other a good bit.. so we are very very close.  I know who he is as a person, and I care about him so deeply.  I think that at 6 months, with the amount we see each other, you know, yes or no.

He doesn't know.  He cannot use the word "love" to describe me.  He CAN NOT.  I can't help thinking... he KNOWS me.  he knows the person I am.  I am not planning on changing.  I have not lied to him about my qualities my flaws, my overall character traits.  He knows who I am.  And if he doesn't know if he loves me... time will not change that. 

He treats me with so much love, and so much respect.  He is really a great guy.  There are definitely things I don't like about him, definitely annoyances and things I wish I could change.  I consider him kind of selfish, and he has been pretty lax about exercising since we started dating.  He doesn't love my cat, and sometimes he doesn't listen to me when I talk.  So he's not perfect.  Neither am I... of course.  But over all... we fit very well together.  We have a great friendship, we trust each other, we have a good sex life, we enjoy each others company, and my friends like him.  And if I were 20... then I would let things continue to play out...  because there is plenty of time in the world.  For some reason, now that I am nearly 26... I feel like having a good relationship is not good enough.  I want love.  I LOVE him.  And I think I deserve to have love too.  I don't want to get married (been there, done that), I don't want to get engaged.  I don't want to consider moving in together for at least another 6 months... but I do want love.  And I truly believe that if it hasn't happened now, its not going to happen.

I am crushed.  I haven't allowed myself to cry yet... but I will soon I think.  I want to stay strong.  I want to stop wishing I hadn't done this.  I want to remember that I am making the right decision in the end, even if its the hardest one.  I can't stop hoping that in a week or two he will come back to me telling me that I am the love of his life... and that he is lost without me.  I need to let go of that.  There is definitely no point in holding on to hope  when it is pretty darn unrealistic.

He deserves to fall in love.  I deserve to be loved.  It sucks that its not the two of us together.