I know no one wants to hear me whine and complain about my relationship troubles. I know in my head that he is definitely not ready for me... But my heart misses him so much. I just want to find him and hug him and never let go. I want to work through this and show him that we are meant to be together. But I don't know if he feels the same way... I guess I'll have to wait and see

i have been surviving pretty well since Sunday.  granted, I've been working from 8-10 every single day, so I don't have much of a chance to go be sad or freaked out that my life is completely changing.  he's still in birmingham on a client, so it's not as if this week has been much different than normal.  usually we would talk during the day, but he had been pretty distant in the end, so it doesn't seem strange that i don't speak with him.  he has tried to IM me a couple of times.  he has nothing substantial to say... obviously just lonely and looking for attention.  i am definitely not the right person to give him that.  he'll ask me how i am, tell me about his blood type, etc etc.  i just tell him he should talk to someone who wants to listen, and to leave me alone.  i tried to convey to him that the only thing i really want to hear is how he is madly in love with me and how he has made the biggest mistake of his life.   not that i would believe him... and i think he's seen how angry i am that he won't pull another shit head move like that.  honestly... i just don't want much to do with him.  i don't deserve it.  you can't treat me that way and get away with it.... well, he can it seems.. but not ANOTHER time.  the ONLY way i would consider a reconciliation is if there was a huge grand gesture that came along with the "i love you"... and if any of that came any time in the next 2 months, i would completely ignore it.  regardless... i think its over.  you know if you know. and if you're unsure... you're obviously not in love.  moving on.

not easy i guess... because this evening i binged on a quesadilla and beer and onion rings.. and then as soon as i came home i purged.  so awful.  it is such a good stress release, but its not who i am and not who i want to be

My boyfriend of 9 months told me he wasn't sure if he loved me or if we had a future together. This is not the first time he has pulled this bullshit. Last time he said tr same thing, ad a few days later told me he truly loved me and just didn't realize it. Now he's telling me he just said that so i wouldnt leave him. What an ass. Wants me around while he figures it all out... But what if he NEVER falls? Then I'm stuck loving someone who doesn't love me back and have wasted all my time. He doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to him, but he has finally gotten the hint and stopped calling/ texting. Most of me wishes he would keep calling and telling me how miserable he is, but I know I'm just clinging to some crazy hope that probably doesn't exist. I hope that in a few weeks he will realize that I was great and perfect, and then we can resume talking. Even if that does happen, I can't trust that he truly means it, since he has used his words so selfishly before.
So that's what I'm dealing with. And it's not fun.

Just because it's the weekend doesn't mean it's time to give up. I still need to count and be good if I want to lose

Just a quick thought to start the day... I stayed at work last night until 10:30. I didn't get dinner while I was there, but did munch on some carrots. When I got home, I could have gone straight to bed, but instead I went into the kitchen and made some mozzarella sticks. Why? Does this mean I'm not disordered? Or am I just not trying hard enough to lose the weight? I know I care... I guess the question is how much....
In other news, my therapist says my antidepressant is known to cause weight gain. Angst free, or thin??

So even though its busy season I'm getting serious about weight loss.  I read something that said if you really want it, you'll do whatever it takes to get it it... and if you don't, you'll make excuses.  And I've been making excuses for a year.  Not cool.  I want to drop 15 lbs.  I want to live a healthy lifestyle.  And even though I can't exercise much right now because of my crazy work schedule.... I can control what goes into my mouth.  AND... its going to be fruits, vegetables, and protein!  No more chocolate and candy and comfort foods.  I started counting calories again on Saturday, and I'm going to keep it up.  No excuses.  No failing.  Chips taste so good while you're eating them.. not so much when they become a 3rd hip.

I'm going to post more.  At least try to post more... obviously something I havent been good at recently.

Ahhhh busy season once again. Left the office on Monday at 9:30 and got in at 7 Tuesday. Didn't get home last night til 10:30. 15 hour dayyyyy! I've been living on Ritalin this week and am almost down 4 lbs. I have been eating, but it's just not enough. For instance yesterday I had a chicken salad sandwich without the bread, and a cookie. I ate some candy too. Today will be better. If I'm going to eat, it's going to have nutritional value. But hopefully just no eating