I went to Colorado this weekend.  He is sleeping with other people... he lied about it.  And we didn't use a condom.  My heart is basically broken.  How could someone who loves you do that!?  I don't even care about the sex... it's not my first choice of recreational activities, but how could he not TELL me? or at least make sure I stayed safe?

yesterday was the anniversary of my marriage.  needless to say I wasn't exactly thrilled.  I did as much as possible to forget about it... but I keep hearing that Eminem and Rhianna song ""Love the way you Lie".  The part where he sings

"I apologize, even though it's lies.  I'm tired of the games,  I just want her back.  I know I'm a liar, if she ever tries to fucking leave again I'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire"

Basically the worst part of my life is that I can resonate with that... SERIOUSLY?  And of course it played like 500 times, and then I tortured myself by YouTubing it, and sobbing all the way through.

So I went spinning, and I got a hair removal appointment, and a nail appointment, and then a hair appointment.  LOTS of pampering.  Then a guy I have been seeing in ATL came over and we had plans to go to the drive in but we ended up just seeing a normal movie.  I DID e-mail George, sent him the link to that video, and I said "This day in 2009 I made the worst mistake of my life."  Probably should have been a bit more grown up... but I couldn't help it.

Food wise
Powerbar- 250
Starbucks english muffin sandwich- 320
Chai Tea Latte- 200
Passion Tea Latte- 0
Movie Theater Popcorn- 400
Leftover tater tots and cheese- 400
2 Glasses of Wine- 300
Total: 1870

Exercise
Hr Spinning: 500

Burn Estimate: 1710
Deficit: 340

Maybe I under estimated the calories in the popcorn and the tater tots.  I didn't eat TOO much popcorn though, so I'm not sure.

I am going to try and be like Piglet-- set a goal of calories not to go over no matter what.

where did i lose myself?
i just... am not here anymore.
i don't even try.  i obsess, i complain, but i don't try!!!
i need someone to write me a diet or something.  but how is it possible when i travel all the time?  what i need to do is get salads at every meal with dressing on the side.  but when i go out on someone else's dime... i feel entitled to eat greasy disgusting food.  Like... if I don't, I am not getting my full $$s worth.  Even though it's not my money.  I don't know why-- seriously that makes about as little sense as possible.
Going to VA all of next week, and flying straight into CO from there.  So much for trying to lose weight before my trip. Ahh I had so many dreams of being tight and toned when I saw him.
But alas... I may be stronger, but I am certainly not thinner.
Life is awesome....

I am dedicating myself to putting my calories in caloriecount.about.com .  This website is very helpful because it has all types of food, and when you "complete" a day, it gives you a breakdown of where you need to work... (aka.  yesterday my carbs were too high).  If I weren't so social at night, maybe I could manage a better diet... but I go out with friends or hang out with friends every night, and that involve beer, carbs, sweets, etc.  Its a lose lose situation, because I don't want to sit at home.  The only thing I can think to do is compensate by not eating a lot during the day, but like yesterday, I was RAVENOUS.  Absolutely could not stop myself from eating.  And I know it wasn't hunger, it was stress.
What do I do?  I have no idea.
Yesterday I ate 2200 calories, and I had a 30 minute personal training appointment where we worked legs. According to the website, I net 315 calories... that means gain.  I don't think I'll be able to work out today, so I'll need to eat less than what I burn (1700).  So, I am going to aim for 1400 to even things out.  Let's see if that works!

one day this weekend the scale read 145.2.... I though YES... I LOST weight on my business trip.... but now, I am exercising, and eating normal again (not going out to eat at every meal), and its back to 150.  Granted, my body is begging to have its period and I am trying to hold out another 5 days til my pack is gone.  Could that be it?  Probably not.  I want to go on a hardcore no carb diet.  But IDK what that means.  I don't even know how to start.  Eggs, Cheese, Bacon, Meat.  Can you have vegetables? what about fruit?

food??

today I had--  edamame, quite a bit.. maybe a cup? a zone perfect bar/south beach bar... whatever.. vitamins up the wazzoooo, a cheese stick, 1 cracker.  And liquor :)
Lets say 500 calories so far.  Out to a bar with beer/wine/food.  I'll do my best, but I WANT to drink tonight.. so we'll see.
The workout was decent.... an hour of pilates, a half hour of elliptical.  And since I'm doing fine on food I'm definitely negative

A whole week and no post...Not as if anything of interest has happened to me.
Went out with a boy on Friday night.. and by boy I mean 30 year old attorney.  Will see him again today I think.  Gave blood on Saturday (lost a pint of weight??? lol) with a different boy... not so into him, but he is into me and I don't the attention when Mr. Colorado leaves me hanging out to dry.  Workout-- BAD.  I worked out last Saturday, and once during the week.  I have been traveling for work.
I am about to go to the gym now.. taking the day off, at least some of it.  I'm going to take a pilates class, then maybe try and do a run/walk combo.
I want to go low carb, but I find that when I do, I say things like "oh its okay to eat this fatty cheese, this slice of bacon, etc"... which is all well and good until I break down and HAVE TO HAVE the bagel, chips, etc.  Then I have carbs AND fat.  Silly me.
Hopefully after my work out I'll feel more motivated and have something real to write.