A short update because I don't want to get out of bed this morning!!

Current weight-140ish. Fluctuating between 137-142. 

Current diet- low carb, with a cheat day every Saturday, which seems to ruin my progress completely... But I can't handle it on the weekends. I want beer!

Current exercise- working out at the gym in my office complex now. I miss the gym with the kickboxing, but I was unmotivated to go and it was inconvenient. Since joining at the beginning of this month I've been there 4 times a week without fail.  I'm working with a personal trainer 2 times a week until the end of the month. She is pricey but I want to look amazing for my trip!!

Currently excited for- GREECE. JD and I are heading to Greece the first week of June and I can't wait.  We booked tickets in December when we had only been dating for 3 months... That scared me. How did he know we would still be together?? Such a different experience than with Steven, who couldn't plan more than 2 weeks out with me. Anyway, no reason to compare. JD and I are so excited, and I have a big ball of hope in my stomach that we will get engaged while we are there.  

Currently stressed about- everything. That's just who I am. I'll write more soon. 

Still following you all! 

It has been such a long time since I updated. It's not that I haven't wanted to blog, or I haven't been reading all of your blogs, but I am just had a hard time getting motivated to write anything. So much has happened since the last time I was on blogger that I don't even know where to start. Last time I wrote I was dealing with the break up from Steven and going through some really rough times with that... There's been so many developments since that time I feel like a completely different person! One thing I do want to share in this quick post is that in the time since I've written, I've lost a long-standing relationship, but I also lost some baggage… Weight baggage

My therapist mentioned that I may have been holding on to some pounds as a protective layer during my last relationship, possibly because subconsciously I was unhappy. Since the break up (9 months ago), I have lost A LOT of weight.  I've been working out at a mixed martial arts gym, which I was doing the last time I posted. I've been at the gym since March, but it wasn't until April or May that I really start to see results. The diagram below is my body fat percentages in March, April, July, and today: 

I am so proud of myself for working hard and taking care of my body. As you can see from July to January there hasn't been much change… A little bit of weight loss but also some muscle loss in there. Well… In August I met someone. It was completely unexpected… We actually ran into each other at a bar! The last few months with him have been the best of my entire life… I have so much to say about this relationship and the relationship ending with Steven and so many thoughts I need to get down on paper, but for now this post will just be about my renewed intention for health! My goal is to get to 15% body fat by April. I need a plan of attack... Any suggestions?

I'm trying to figure out life on my own. I've spoke to the ex once since I last posted. We are about a month into the breakup. It's gotten a little easier... I'm not crying everyday, just when someone brings it up. I was not eating at all, but I now have my appetite back and am self medicating with food. 

Most of my friends have been lovely and helpful. I have been keeping very busy with dinners and drinks and shopping, but unfortunately it comes with a price. I am waiting for June to come around so I can start fresh! June will be a no shopping month. I don't need to buy clothes, makeup, or household items for 30 days... It shouldn't be that hard! I AM looking for a lamp for my desk, but it can wait. If I find something perfect, I will make an exception. 

Does anyone follow Shannon Ables, author of the Simply Luxurious Life blog? She is a successful, happy and (most importantly to me) single woman. She doesn't have her identity tied up in the search for marriage, like I do. 

One thing she told me (yes I emailed a famous blogger about my love life) is that while part of me is grieving the loss of my bf, I am most likely grieving the loss of the role I thought the relationship was going to play in the journey toward my happiness. Heavy right!? Her advice to me is to stay single and use this time of being on my own as a gift and an opportunity to explore, not to waste it being sad and depressed. But also, to be kind to myself.

I am seeing him again next weekend to pick up the rest of my stuff. I don't have closure so it's hard for me to let go completely, but I think when I don't have any reason to see him again, it will help. I wish I was mad at him, or I wish he had made up his mind definitively. I guess his lack of making up his mind about me kind of IS closure. I want to be with someone who knows he wants to be with me!!

Ugh I am sad. I am ready to stop being sad! 

I am still really heartbroken. Nothing has been resolved and BF and I aren't talking. It's been 19 days... I guess I thought it would take no more than 2 weeks for him to realize what he was giving up, but I guess not. 

I need to accept that I have lost the love in my life, and start working on repairing my heart so I can eventually find a new one!

Before you read: please don't leave me any opinions here. I'm not ready for the world to have opinions about this. I'm just really sad and I need to put it BF backed out of the apartment search this weekend. I feel in my heart that I knew this would happen. Maybe I shouldn't say that because I always assume the worst and it rarely is the case. I guess with this, it is. He said he should want to do this. Even though he is scared he should feel ready, and since he doesn't, something is wrong. I went through some things I talked through in therapy, fear not being in the drivers seat and doing things dispite them being scary. I also told him that I was really hurting because he has had so much time to bring these concerns to me and he has been avoiding the conversation.  And now, it's too late, because I am required to give 30 days notice. I also told him that while I love him to the moon and back and I think he is a great catch, it's important to me that we move forward in our relationship, and I have been patient and accommodating in the past, but now it's time to do what is best for me and move on. He says he understands, but he also says that it's messed up that the choices are "move in or break up." I told him that the worst scenario of moving in is that it doesn't work out and we have to pay money to break the lease... So the only difference between breaking up now, and the worst case scenario is the money, which we both have. I think that made him think differently, but still no commitment. 

In my heart I think want him to realize that a few days without me is no good, and will take action when I disappear and make his regular life uncomfortable. Maybe that will happen, but then I worry we have this same fight and breakup when I want to get engaged, or have kids. Is it worth it? If he comes back this time to tell me he's made a mistake, do I demand a timeline of future events to avoid this happening again? Or should I not even think like that and get my hopes up that he will come around?

I think I am doing the right thing with the mini ultimatum. It's not a "bend to my wishes or else" ultimatum but a "I need to do what's best for me and i want you with me but I'll move on without if I have to" ultimatum. It's just so so so sad. How can you love someone so much and just not be in sync? Why did he let this drag on and on for the last few months knowing it was hurting me? 

I just needed to get this out, and I didn't know who to talk to. 

Thanks for reading. 

Kathryn 

Happy Easter/Passover everyone!!

No days off from work but that's ok. I'm enjoying my chocolate and baked goods and still squeezing in my workouts! Dinner tonight is healthy kabobs!

I went back to the gym for a 2nd weigh in on the scale. 

This time they put my body type in as Athletic instead of Standard. I read up on the difference and I think Athletic is more correct. It is for someone who has exercised for many years, or someone who intensely exercises 10 hours per week, and in both cases has a restring heart rate of less than 60 beats per minute. I have a resting heart rate between 45-55 usually. Anyway the difference is how it calculate body fat %... So I think that's why my drop is so high. 

But anyway, overall in the last 5-6 weeks I'm down 4 lbs, 5% body fat, and have lost 9 lbs of fat mass. I've also gained 5 lbs of fat free mass, 4 lbs of those being total body water. 

The new printout says I only need to lose another 2 lbs to get to 20% bf.... But obviously I want to be smaller than that!

Inspired by Maria Kang, the "what's your excuse?" lady on Facebook, I made myself a 3 month chart. My goals were to lose 10 lbs and run 90 miles. I color coded based on activity

Red=rest Green=run Yellow=kickbox or cardio Orange=bootcamp 

I worked out 56 times in the last 90 days.  I ran 90.4 miles. I lost 10 lbs... (And then after this weekend gained a good portion back. Paying for it now with intense stomach cramps)

Overall, I'm super impressed!